4 week old - am I doing it all wrong?

[harrietm87]

My baby is 4.5 weeks old. I'm breastfeeding him on demand and since he's refused his cot from day 1 we are also co-sleeping.

I've read about the 4th trimester and so far we've taken the approach of just giving him everything he wants. I feed him whenever he wants (which is often and irregular - lots of cluster feeds and also short snacks) and he usually falls asleep while feeding. He has 2-3 longish naps during the day but i don't track them - sometimes more sometimes less. He comes to bed with us at about 11 and I usually feed him at 1am, 4am and then he's up again at 7ish. He doesn't like being put down at all (will wake up if I put him down when asleep) so I hold him most of the day.

I thought this was fine but I keep reading about people putting their newborns down for naps, rocking them to sleep etc, using white noise machines, spending hours trying to get them off to sleep then waking them to feed...I don't do any of this, never "try" to get him to sleep - just assume he'll sleep if he's sleepy?! Is this a big mistake? Should I be trying to impose a routine? Should I be making him sleep more?

I had planned to start thinking about a routine when he was about 10-12 weeks (and encouraging him to sleep in his co-sleeper cot from then) but it seems like everyone else starts much earlier than this.

You absolutely don't need a routine at 4 weeks old. It sounds like you're doing brilliantly; your baby is feeding and sleeping well (as well as a newborn ever does, anyway!) They generally don't like to be put down at that age, and if you're happy to co-sleep and hold him most of the day, carry on! That's what I did, and we didn't even attempt any routine with naps etc until about 6 months; they just happened when they happened. Mine is now a very content and settled 9 month old, who will happily settle on his own in the cot (and I thought that would never happen when he was still sleeping on me at 5 months old!)

You sound like your doing a great job! Mine lived in a sling for the first 3 months and his routine, such as it is emerged very slowly. I found white noise (the Hoover) helped him sleep if he was wound up but have never found Ewan's ect to help.
I have to say mine didn't just sleep when he was tired, he'd just get over tired till helped to sleep but he is a shocking sleeper so it's clear he's just never had the knack for it

Sounds like you are doing a grand job. Unless your life demands a schedule, forget about it & enjoy the long sleepy cuddles.
Breastfeeding on demand is tough going but very rewarding - just let him do his thing!
Just a word of warning; I intended to get my DS in a cot by 12 weeks...3.5 YEARS later he finally stopped co-sleeping & breastfeeding .
I wouldn't have changed a thing. He is 7 now & I miss waking up to his happy, smiley little face

Thanks so much for the replies. @whatwouldnigellado when you say your baby got wound up - how did you know he was over tired? Did he just cry a lot?

Mine has had a few nights of unexplained crying which we thought might be wind, so we walked around with him lots rocking him and he did eventually drop off. On the whole though if he's upset he's calmed instantly by a feed and will then usually fall asleep from there.

Maximum sleep for the most people is the answe here. He has no wants that aren't needs. You're doing fine-just carry on. And enjoy the cuddles.

Sounds like your doing a great job. Just trust your instincts and don't worry about other people think you should do. Do what works for you.
Maybe find out about a sling if you want to free your hands up.

My ds never liked being put down either. Always was in somones arms. I resisted co sleeping for first few months as hv and others said to let him sleep in cot, and make sure i put him in cot for day sleeps. It was hell and i felt guilty when i didn't do it. Life was easier when i started doing it my way

Everyone will say your doing a great job - and you are. But there are alternatives. This is often how it is with baby no.1, and baby no. 2 is treated differently, because you have to get up to cook fish fingers so baby gets plonked down.

If it's working for you carry on.

I bf all my babies, but did like a feed to be over iyswim. I fed both sides and then feed was over. If baby wanted more they would get more, but I would try to end feed (put baby on mat, bouncer, go out etc. I would not respond instantly, but let them have a bit of a wiggle. I didn't do this till after 2 weeks. I would put them down confidently and tell them dinner over. plonk. Didn't always work, but was on the right track. I also did not want to co-sleep so baby was in moses/cot next to my bed.

@GoodStuffAnnie yes completely see how this wouldn't work with baby 2 and they might need to cry a bit during the day rather than being held all the time.

Did you impose nap routines though/actively encourage them to sleep (kind of my main question though didn't make it especially clear in the op)? And how did you get them to sleep in the cot? Mine just cries and cries until we take him out.

He would just be cranky, crying and seem like he wanted to feed but then refuse. Took me a while to realise he didn't have a sign he was tired, he'd be fine and then he'd just go into over tired with no warning! I simply managed nap times by thinking "you've been awake for an hour and a bit, you need a nap" and then starting to walk/bounce him and 9/10 times he'd go to sleep very quickly. He didn't and still doesn't feed to sleep very often. Over time, he's got clearer signals he's getting tired but at that age they were the same as his feeding cues.

With the cry and cry in the cot thing...I would just persevere. Keep putting him in confidently, when you think he might want a sleep, with the same routine, and say bed time now. What a good boy, sleepy sleepy or whatever. If he cries just wait 5 seconds, oh now now whats that for it's sleepy time. Then 5 seconds then pick him up, cuddle, try again, then give up. After 20/50/100 times it will work, just keep doing it. It will pay off when he's 6 months, not necessarily now.

With naps. I would say at this age, he will sleep between every feed. Feed - play/look around - sleep - feed etc. But be baby led. By 6 months it's 3 naps a day, about to be 2. Two of my babies had mega naps in the day. Wake 7am (feed play feed) mega nap 4 hours - feed play feed nap feed play feed bed. Follow him, but be confident. You are doing a great job.

Yup my 4 month old is still doing all of that! She is starting to draw her feeds out during the day now and yesterday started rolling! Not sure when to start a routine, I thought 12 weeks would be too early?

yes I forgot - whatwouldnigellado has it - go by how long he's been awake. Watch and note take for a couple of days. Maybe 1 hour, maybe 1.5 hours. Then thats your cue.

"And how did you get them to sleep in the cot? Mine just cries and cries until we take him out."

i said to a midwife when I had my first "She cries if I put her down!" and she said "Don't put her down, then". Please, please, please just carry on with what you're doing. Routines will emerge as the baby gets older. My theory is that most post natal unhappiness and even some post natal depression is caused by women expecting too much of themselves and their babies-and listening to the "shoulds" All he needs is food, sleep and comfort. All you need to do is provide those things.

Hi OP, I had some of the same concerns as you. My baby is older - 7 months now - and still falls asleep in my arms after a feed, whatever time it happens to be, and so that's when she naps. I quite often let her stay on my lap for her whole nap - I love it, so warm and snuggly! - or if I have things to do I'll try putting her down on my bed. I don't track or schedule naps or feeds, I just go with the flow. But I've gotten to know her natural patterns and so it's become easier to read her signals and know when she's tired, hungry, bored etc. Works for us

Sounds like you're doing a brilliant job with your little one. Enjoy and don't worry too much about imposing a structure on yourselves if you don't have to. There's plenty of time to build a routine.

Sounds fine OP - we were pretty similar to you, she wouldn't go down for naps so we just held her all day. Babies aren't capable of learning a routine until they're older so you definitely don't need to establish one - responding to your baby's needs is much better ☺️

As for the spending hours to get them to sleep, that comes later 🙈

Mine had colic around the same age. He slept on my chest for about 3 months!

You're doing brilliantly. He won't be sleeping on/near you when he's 20. Don't worry.

Thanks so much for all the responses. I've just been reading the Baby Whisperer and it promotes the EASY (Eat activity sleep you time) routine from birth and really dismisses the idea of letting the baby dictate what happens- has this been discredited now? Has anyone tried it?

STOP READING BOOKS!

Honestly, just carry on with what you're doing. Unless it's making anyone unhappy. Your baby will be an entirely different person in a couple of weeks. a month - even tomorrow.

Hi Harriet - I used that routine with all my babies and it was brilliant. You still have to be flexible, but aiming for it worked for me.

It's important to listen to posters on mn. Not everyone wants to have a baby sleeping on them for months. I didn't. Some posters want a routine, or to get their life back a bit, or they have to get back to work. It doesn't mean anything. Were just all different. There is a prevailing view on mn that you have to feed 24/7 and can never put the baby down. There are other ways. Loads of my friends have fully bf babies and not done that. I worry that giving people the view that this is the only way, also leads to guilt and worry. Lets be open minded.

I would say to do what feels right for you. I tried to do a bit of the EASY method with my ds but did not get too hung up on it. Ds1 was a classic ‘spirited’ baby and I had to work hard to get him to sleep at any time! Ds2 was fairly unpredictable but ds3 was a classic ‘textbook’ baby. He loved a routine but struggled when we had to be more flexible. He would have been a great first baby! A health visitor told me that sleep issues were only a problem if they caused me a problem. If I was happy with how ds was sleeping and how I got him to sleep then it wasn’t a problem however when I was exhausted and was walking into door frames, accidentally cutting myself and could not have a sensible conversation then it was a problem!

I also have a 4 week old but it's my second so my words of 'wisdom' are from thinking back to my first. I would say don't worry too much about routine right now but over the next couple of weeks or months a bit of a routine will naturally develop. Let this happen organically to suit your baby.

That said, I do think most babies and children thrive on routine so once you have a grasp of what the routine is, do try to stick to it.

In the evenings you can engineer the routine a little bit more and introduce some sleep cues - for most people that's milk, bath, teeth brushing, jammies, story, song, bed, with variations to suit the age and wants of the little one. We started this very early with our son (maybe 4-6 weeks or so?) Initially it gave us a bit of routine and we all enjoyed the bath time and snuggles before bed. We still do it today and DS is a brilliant sleeper. Now we have number 2 we will incorporate her into the routine and adapt her part of it to make it suitable for her as she gets older.

At the moment with the 4 week I'm very much just letting her do her own thing until she establishes her own pattern. She loves a cuddle but when she is deeply asleep she can be put down and will stay down happily in her buggy or beanbag etc. We have a sleepyhead for nightime and she is swaddled at night as well, I don't know whether they help but she does sleep well at night - at least one stretch of 4-6 hours and then some shorter stretches until morning.

Good luck and enjoy your gorgeous snuggly little one

I’m feeding my 15 month old to sleep right now. And he’s my third, so I should know better...

Your baby hasn’t read the baby whisperer books; just go with what you’re doing.