Getting back after Domestic Violence

[Jen53]

I was wondering if I could ask for some advice. I was in a controlling marriage for 12 years which I managed to escape. My ex husband has been hell bent on trying to destroy me financially, making up false accusations, and trying for full custody. In the meantime I entered a relationship with someone that was a lot younger than me and very immature. Because of the pressures of my acrimonious divorce, coping with my moods, not to mention false accusations aimed at my partner, pressures from my partners controlling parents, it took its tole and ended up being a abusive relationship when drink was involved. This never happened in front of my children. I reported it to the police and he was charged but at court found Not Guilty. He contacted me recently to apologise, as the no contact bail conditions were then lifted. We met up and he explained everything and was genuinely remorseful for his behaviour. I do not believe he is a domestic abuser, I feel that because of all the pressures it just pushed him to the limit, and I do believe he has found himself and realises what he wants. He has broke free from the demands of his parents and told them that he wants to be with myself and my children and they have subsequently disowned him. My main concern is losing my share care contact with my children if SS find out that we are back together. Any advice would be much appreciated.

All domestic abusers pretend to be remorseful - at least at first. My violent Ex used to weep, ffs! Don't, whatever you do, get back together. If SS are involved you could lose your children.

More knowledgeable people will be along shortly with better advice, but I didn't want to read and run. I think you should ask MNHQ to move this thread to Relationships. You'll get a lot more answers there.

Stay away from him and concentrate on your children. SS will take a dim view of your ability to keep your children safe if you go back to someone who abused you.

If he was abusive then he is an abuser.

Have you done the freedom programme?

Children don’t have to see the abuse to the negativity impacted by it. Protect your children and yourself.

Please, please please, spend some time not being in a relationship.
Know your own worth.
I work with young people and famlies.and the damage that is caused by DV to children is horrific.

Why the fuck would you risk losing your kids? They are your absoulte priority, no one else.
You can have all the deadbeats you want once they re grown up.

Why would you ever even consider losing your children over a man who beat you? Are your feelings for him stronger than your feelings for your children?

If you take him back SS will become involved again and if you insist on continuing in the relationship once they are then yes, you will lose your shared custody. I’m not saying this to scare you but I work in this field and day after day see children removed from parents who do just what your suggesting. And in the cases where the parties involved are both the bio parents that inevitably means adoption/permanent removal for those children. I’m often astounded at the parents willingness to risk losing their children over a toxic relationship.

And he is a domestic abuser. Just because he doesn’t fit whatever profile of domestic abuser you have in your head doesn’t make him any different to the other people who think it’s ok to beat, hurt, intimidate or bully their partners.

Walk away now and tell him to never contact you again. If I was your ex and I got wind that you were even talking to this loser again I would refuse to hand the children over to you as you clearly lacking in good judgment at the moment. Again, not trying to be nasty but this is very serious and you need to realise that.

Life and relationships will inevitably have their ups and downs - he may not be abusive during the ups but you've seen that he can be during the downs. Sorry OP, but it honestly sounds like he will just repeat this behaviour when pressures get on top of him. The only way that you can guarantee the safety and wellbeing of you and children is to leave. Unfortunately anything else will be a huge gamble, with your children having the most to lose x

Abuse is never acceptable and can never be explained away by circumstances. The reasons you have given are not justifications for abuse. You did not cause this and it is not your fault, the blame lies squarely with this man. There can be no justification for what this man has done to you and he absolutely will do it again, be in no doubt about that. Of course you want to believe he is the lovely caring person he is probably pretending to be at the moment and that he has changed, but this is all designed to reel you back in so the abuse can continue. This is how abusers operate, there are no exceptions. I really think some good therapy would help you to look at this pattern of toxic relationships and help you to see that you are worth much more than this. This is not what a loving relationship looks like and you deserve a loving relationship for yourself and for your children - before you find that with another person you first need to develop it with yourself. Imagine it is your daughter or best friend in your situation, what would you advise them to do? Start treating yourself like you are your own best friend and stop making excuses for these men.

Thank you for all of your responses and advice. I was contacted by SS who came out to do a check. Speak with me, my partner and my children. She would like to put a written agreement between the LA and ourselves in place, although nothing ever happened in front of the children. Is this getting serious and am I likely to lose my children if I sign? Obviously my children are my main priority, so I would rather end the relationship than compromise my share care with my children. The social worker explained that it isn't a child protection plan and they just want to make sure that the children are never exposed to anything.

Why would you even consider because my with this man?
You don't believe he is an abuser despite the fact that he abused you! I can't believe what I'm reading!
What does he have to do to you before you'll believe he's an abuser?
Alcohol does not turn people into abusers,it just doesn't, it's a convenient excuse for abusers to say 'I'm sorry it's just when I drink this happens' and it's utter bullshit.

Being with*

You need to get a grip and look at the situation clearly. Your DP is abusive and SS are involved. In your shoes I wouldn't think twice. He'd be an Ex. Permanently. Surely you don't want to be the sort of mother who puts an abusive man over her DC? It's time to put your foot down.

This is the second abusive relationship you've been in, and I join with PP in asking you to take care of yourself and to seek help with your self-esteem and your ideas about relationships. Good relationships are a source of strength, comfort and pride.

Drink is no excuse. My DH used to get pissed too. He'd tell me how much he loved me as he fell up the stairs. I never in all our years together feared him or was hurt by him. And vice versa. I'm an alcoholic (now sober) and I've never raised a hand to him or anyone.

Let me paint a bigger picture here. I married into a wealthy (controlling) family when I was 22. I then had three beautiful children. I don't deny that I had many happy times, but then as the years went on I found out that my husband was being financially controlled by his parents and lied to me. The whole time I thought we were equal he was being extremely deceitful. I lost the trust. He begged me but I guess I retaliated and wanted to be 'free' I felt like I'd lost all those years being dedicated to raising our beautiful family, all the love I gave to my husband, to be betrayed. I met someone else who was only a long distance friend but gave me that support. That's when the divorce started.

I'm sorry I'll have to do this in stages because it is all so complicated and very emotional to carry on right now.

Please bare with me.

It sounds like the best thing to do is to talk to social services again so that they can clarify what signing it will mean. Given how important it is it's not worth the risk of taking potentially inaccurate advice from here x