Not coping. Where to go for help.

[IveSnapped]

Hi,

I've snapped. I've lost all patience and calm. I can't stand to be around my children right now - they are suffocating and overwhelming me. It's not their fault, but I can't handle them right now.

They are 4 and 1 (nearly 2) and need to be touching me, talking to me, jumping on me, demanding something from me literally 24/7.

I don't know if it's just been a hard week or if something has been brewing for a while, but I am so unhappy. I can't do anything for myself. I can't go to the loo on my own. There are no boundaries. I long for peace & quiet, freedom, space to hear myself think, time to do anything.

Managing them at home is draining. 4 year old is a whirlwind so the house gets turned upside down (soda cushions, toys etc) and youngest throws his bowl after every meal. I'm pissing in the wind keeping on top of things.

They rarely play independently despite having lots of toys and outdoor space. The moan and whine. Youngest wants to be carried a lot, if he sees me he wants me. Oldest isn't much better, clambering to get at me.

I can't breathe. Why can't they play? We did a bbq for lunch, they moaned & whined while I tried to get things ready with a child at my legs. Why can't they play in the sand pit?! Why do they need me every second? If I hang the washing on the line all I hear is 'mummy' / screaming / wanting something. Constant need for snacks, drinks.....

Do I need to see a doctor? Do all parents feel like this? Thanks for any help x

No advice - but we are listening. Do you want to talk some more about how you are feeling? Motherhood without breaks is really really hard. I had no idea how hard until I did it. Have a hand hold and

I feel exactly the same. I have a 2.4 year old and this morning I finally lost the plot completely. My husband has taken him out for the day and I’m sat here crying. I’ve had enough. I’m currently on a low dose anti depressant and plan to get a doctors appointment this week to up the dosage. Is this an option for you op? You have my fully empathy and sympathy.

Thank you for reading ocelot. It is so hard sometimes. I don't know why today has got to me so badly.

My husband has been away for work, the boys haven't been sleeping well, particularly Thursday night where I reckon I got about 2 hours sleep. Worked 8-5 Friday (yay - peace!) But then had a nightmare evening with them, bedtime as draining. I'm full of cold and run down.

Dh took them for a walk yesterday so I could catch some of the wedding, but I feel like I need a whole week!

Can other people potter at home with the kids? I have a few garden jobs I want to do but as soon as I'm near them it all defends into chaos. It's like if they sense I'm near they'll demand my attention?! Am I going crazy?

We should have gone out. Is always better when out & about. In fact, days out are usually quite nice. But sometimes I need to get stuff done at home. I don't think it's too much to expect them to just play / mooch while I prepare food / fold washing etc?!

I lost my temper today. I screamed at the ceiling that I couldn't take it anymore. I'm sure they all think I've gone mad.

No I couldn't potter when DC were that age either, or get any jobs done - it's just survival, isn't it? It used to drive me insane too. Do you have any family or friends you can talk to, or take turns childminding with? You sound like you badly need a break and someone to take care of you for a bit. I didn't have anyone around me when my DC were small and I felt past endurance into a whole new zone, esp with sleep deprivation too. Its used as a torture for a reason!

I'm sorry you're struggling too summer. I'm wondering about seeing my gp. Have the anti Ds helped? Some days I'm fine, I get through. Today I'm a shouty mess, hiding upstairs having a cry!

Have a good howl and an unMumsnetty hug from us vipers. Lots of us have been there. We hear you.

You need time away from them and they need time away from you. They probably don't understand it yet but they need to know that mummy is a person too who has things that are for her to enjoy and do independent of them. You need to leave them with daddy or granny or whoever and go out for a few hours doing something for YOU. When you get home tell them what you did or where you went so they are aware that you were doing something that isn't about them. Does that make sense?

How's your money situation OP? Can you afford to outsource any gardening or cleaning? Maybe get a child minder in (or more DH) for an afternoon a week? I couldn't afford it, but if you can, just do it and get some of the pressure off you all the time.

Thank you - I do feel a lot better for having a cry and a rant. It's nice to know that I'm not the only one.

If Facebook is to be believed everyone else is loving life

Maybe I'm setting the bar too high. Will go back to aiming for survival, anything else is a bonus.

Thank you both for listening.

I feel your pain.. it's why Childrens TV was invented My 2 year very rarely plays alone. They might do some cooking on the play kitchen whilst I cook dinner.

Sending huge solidarity and warmth your way OP. I have a 4 year old and 2 year old twins (all 3 are boys) and I really miss the days when my internal narrative contained more than 'FFS' on a loop.
Everyone needs a break - it's completely understandable that you feel this way.
Say more words - we vipers are hissing empathetically.

Ocelot we have a cleaner once a week to do the hoovering, mop and bathroom. I'm so grateful to her but it really only stays clean for an hour or so I'm still constantly picking up after them, wiping up endless spills etc - they are so messy. For example, 4 year old today has ripped up his sticker book and stuck tiny bits of sticker everywhere. Why?!

Couldn't stretch to a gardener, but it's mostly low maintenance. I quite enjoy pottering out there if the kids would allow. I work 3 days and they go to nursery / preschool.

It's the clingy ness in particular that is grinding me down. DH has no understanding of what it feels like. If I'm in the shower they both appear with various wants, they never ask their dad for a drink, they'll walk past him to find me for one! Aaah

You can't beat a good cry!

My 3 year old is happy to play or watch a bit of tv while I put makeup on in morning or make dinner later on. My 1.5 year old isn't really interested in tv but is happy to potter around.

Do you have much child free time in the week?

Can you afford a child minder? Even just for 2 hours on your days off to give you a break?

Use bathroom lock when DH is home and inform him that he is to deal with any wants/needs whilst you are on the loo/in the shower. It is completely crazy making to not be able to look after your basic needs without SOMEONE wanting in!

And I hear you on the totally touched out/house in chaos thing. It totally did my head in. It still does, to some extent (DS has the sensory seeking version of SPD, and although a much older kid still clambers all over me like I am a human climbing frame).

Plus step away from FB/Instagram/Pinterest - anyone who has time to post that shit is clearly having a different experience. They are not a representative slice of motherhood, really they are not!

I really feel for you - you sound like you are feeling really claustrophobic today. It is so understandable. The constant demands of small children and the sheer drudgery of the mess is relentless. Its amazing that more women don't go stark staring mad.

But you are NOT ALONE. I loathed early childhood. There - I have said it. I HATED it and bitterly resented all that other women were out having lovely chatty picnic lunches whilst their DC played peacefully with their toys next to them.

I didn't realise until much later, that there was a whole bunch of other women who were having a much, much tougher time than me, who hadn't made it out of the house, let alone posted their 'My lovely life' pics on FB. And that sobbing in the shower was pretty par for the course in early motherhood.

It's ok - we hear you. We have been there. It does pass. Cry and scream all you want at us. We get it.

You need a proper break sometimes OP. This stage really sucks sometimes. I remember having a carrycot set up in the living room for 'naps'. I got in it myself when I was feeling touched out for a bit

It does pass but you need more breaks though if possible.

Honestly OP, this is why I work full time. I dont care that it means I am paying £1200 a month for nursery, I don't care if I make practically nothing after childcare and travel. Its worth it so I can be me and not lose my shit. I find SAHM stuff boring, but love my weekends with them (mine are 1, 2 and 11)

I also went back to work ft. Couldn't stand not having any space to be 'me'

we are all there. Sometimes it is just shit. It will change, hold on to that thought. Just gradually it changes. Don't be hard on yourself and fuck facebook.

Got to go look after my DC now, who has just woken. But I will check in later

Thanks everyone. We've come out for a walk. Everything feels easier away from the mess at home.

Had a chest with dh and he's agreed to take the boys swimming or something as a routine every Sunday morning to give me space.

The week days aren't so bad, I have my work and tend to enjoy my 2 days off with the kids as long as we have something planned. Oldest starts school in September so hoping I find it a bit easier then - less fighting for my attention.

If I'm still struggling after that then upping my work days may be the way to go. I loathe to do it as my company aren't flexible, so to have 3 days a week is pretty lucky (might never get that back!)

I really appreciate all your comments and solidarity. You've lifted me from a pretty deep pit. You absolute legends

Ah that's brilliant news Ivesnapped. Good on your DH for stepping up. Now make sure you do something nice during that time off ok? Not housework. See a friend, have a nap, read a book, whatever. Promise? 3 hours off minimum per week.

And come back any time you need to. If it helps, I have realised I am much better at the older kid stuff (DS is 8 now), but I found the sleep deprivation and endless grind of the early years really, really tough. Some women are the other way around - they struggle when their children get older and need them less.

We are all different and will hit our stride in different ways. You are doing brilliantly - well done for voicing what you needed -