Losing my mind due to 3 year old’s behaviour

[Chocness]

I’m really struggling at the moment to keep my cool with my 3 year old son. Bit of background, he’s been going through a phase of wanting to do everything himself and when he can’t he just shouts, winges and screams at whoever is nearest. DH and I have been helping him as much as possible to be as independent as a three year old can be but his behaviour is just grating on me and I find myself getting so angry with him. There’s been a few swear words muttered under my breath. To make matters worse he had sickness bug last week and now has a cold which obviously makes him extra grumpy but I’m just so fed up with it. I really dislike his behaviour at the moment and I feel very resentful of him at present. I’m 35 weeks pregnant so hormones are probably contributing to my reactions but I’m just so ready to run for the hills. I’m now stressing out how I’m going to cope with a demanding 3 year old and a newborn. I expect the 3 year olds behaviour to go down hill when baby turns up, he’s currently in nursery 3 mornings a week but that finishes shortly after baby is born. I’m really worried that I’m going to completely lose my mind with the stress of it all. I had awful anxiety after my first child was born and I feel like I’ve made a huge mistake in having another when I already feel so stressed with my 3 year old. Does anyone have any pearls of wisdom please. I feel dreadful admitting to this as when my 3 year old is on form we have a lovely time. It# just those moments have been few and far between for the past month or so.

It can be hard, especially when you’re PG and it’s hot. Are you able to get sone time to rest? If your DH is around this afternoon can he take him to the park for a couple of hours while you have a snooze?

As for keeping calm, try Calm parents, happy kids.

Is he getting outside enough too? I know it’s difficult when you are tired but ideally he needs to be outside at least twice a day. Is he still napping too?

Right. This is me now...and the following helps massively. When 3yo screams/cries because he can't do anything i say the following.

"there is no need to cry/scream/insert emotion here etc. What can mummy do to help?" get down his level and let him know you can help but he has to tell you what the problem is/what he wants first.wait for his reply.

I truly believe a lot of the tantrums are due to ds not being able tell me what he is after. If he doesn't know what he wants (but you know roughly) i say "oh, you'd like to get the milk from the fridge/choose your own cup?"... Etc. If dc responds yes, tell your dc what he needs to ask you. "Mummy can i get the milk from the fridge?" tell him if he says it you can help him.

I hope that helps. Im waffaly sorry.

Thanks for both for your helpful replies.

Yes, do get some rest when my son naps in the afternoon. Because of illness though that’s gone out the window for the past week so it’s been hit or miss. DH is v good at taking lo out so I get some down time at the weekends. I have that book, amongst many others on toddlers (!), just need to read it. Sounds daft but I’ve been so fed up with my 3 year old that I just don’t want to read about them in my spare time either. I know I need to help myself here.

LO is out everyday morning then after nap time we play in the garden or go for a little walk. We didn’t go out when he was ill and I got serious cabin fever. His behaviour is deffo better when out and about or after a good morning at nursery.

keep thanks for the tip on how to communicate when they are getting in a tizzwazz. I’ll try that, so far we’ve just calmly tried to tell him not to shout at us and ask for what he wants in a calm way. He is fortunately very articulate so I don’t think it’s communication frustration for him. I think he’s just trying to be more grown up than he is. I feel very sorry for him but also bloody worn down by the demands and the noise! I also wonder if he is picking up on my rattyness. I’ve been like a bear with a sore head for most of this pregnancy and with v little tolerance for the challenges that life, let alone a 3 year old can bring. Hopefully this will change rapidly when baby is here but I’m also aware and scared that newborns bring their own stresses. I’m frightened I’m not going to cope 😬

Try not to stress too much about when baby arrives. Do get a sling though. I found it so much easier having a 3 year old and a newborn if I could put the newborn in the sling and do things with DC1.

Is your DH taking any paternity leave? My DC2 was a summer baby and DH took 2 weeks paternity and 2 weeks holiday. It was great because he could take DC1 out and I got time to bond with the baby.

THers sone tips on Kellymom for juggling a newborn and a toddler too.

And yes, you’re right, he will be picking up on your mood. It’s good that you know you are anxious but I think that now you realise how it’s affecting you both, you need to take some steps to try and manage it. Could you do some pg yoga? There are sone guided meditation videos on YouTube too. I find they help but I know lots of people are wary of them. I also use a guided mediation app called insight timer.

Don’t be afraid to talk to your GP either.

Thanks jilted. I intend to get a sling when baby arrives. My first hated one so I plan to take baby to get one fitted once here rather than buying one and hoping he/she will like it. Just hope that I’ll find one that is ok after last time!

DH is also taking 2 weeks pat leave and 2 weeks annual leave. I also have some help arranged for when he goes back to work. I think I’m scarred by my experience of my first and that’s bringing on the anxiety as baby is due in 5 weeks time.

Thanks for tips on meditation. I’ve subscribed to headspace in the past so I’ll have a look at that again. Thankyou

Another thing that helped make me calmer with the second was reading Baby Calming by Caroline Deacon. It’s not prescriptive like some baby books but instead gives you the confidence to find a routine that suits you both. I always found the prescriptive books anxiety inducing as my DC never complied with their strict routines

Stop pandering to his attitude and start telling him this is not the way to behave. You are the parent take control before this gets way out of hand and you have 2 children running rings around you. It is not ok for him to just have a tantrum everytime he can't do something! Tell him to calm down and stop moaning about it.

Wow Thewhale what a sympathetic and caring post. Are you even sure you’re on the right thread? You don’t seem to be able to count the number of children the OP has.

I have a 3 year old and a 3 month old. I have found the book 'how to talk so little kids will listen' really helpful in giving strategies for diffusing problems. Is there any way you can continue with some nursery sessions - I use my 3 year old's 15 hours over 2.5 days at preschool which is great for giving me a chance to do some baby groups and outings. Then I prioritise the older one more on the days I have both, picking outings he will enjoy. Play cafes are your friend here. I also don't feel too guilty if he just watches tv for a couple of hours after preschool if the baby is cluster feeding as I know he will have done lots of running around etc at school.

Well considering she is pregnant and has a child already I'm pretty sure that means she will have 2 children soon. Why do people think you have yo be so sympathetic to every silly little tantrum a child has. Setting children up for disaster in later life. You try going into work and the next time the I sterner goes down have a tantrum at your boss, see how that goes down.

I have been telling him the way to behave and when it’s an obvious tantrum I’ve bern ignoring it so I don’t think I’ve been pandering to his tantrums at all. The problem is that despite this he’s still shoutIng and wingeing a lot. Maybe because he’s still poorly, maybe my short fuse is upsetting him I don’t know for sure but both DH and i have been as consistent as possible with telling him the behaviour we expect and following through with consequences. Some days he’s ok other days he’s not. Plus with not sleeping due to him being ill is taking its toll.
Thanks for the other book recommendation jilted, I’ll look into that one.

Good and just stick to it. He could just be testing you which is what children are doing most of the time especially at that age so stand your ground. He will get the message that that doesn't work eventually but he will probably still do it every now and then just to see if you've changed your mind and let him away with it. Hope the sleeping gets better soon.

blue he’s at preschool so it closes for the summer hols. When it opens in sept I have upped the hours. Hoping that will be enough to give a bit more balance. I have in mind too to have the baby slot into the 3 year olds routine obviously with the exception of feeding which I recall they don’t hang about for! I think in the back of my mind is the fear of the post natal anxiety returning. I have some medical support for that however, it’s still a bit daunting until I get into the thick of things.

Thanks Thewhale. Definitely feels like I’m being tested very rigorously! He’s a stubborn little fellow and at the moment I just don’t have the tolerance to deal with it very well. Just need to keep on going I know but I’m finding it all so hard.

I would second the reccomendations for Calm Parents Happy Kids and How to talk so kids will listen. Both really great,insightful reads - lots of simple strategies for helping kids get better control of big feelings. Try not to worry ahead too much - I actually found a toddler and a newborn much easier than being pregnant with a toddler

OP you will survive when the baby comes don't worry.

Remember that your 3 year old is growing and learning every day - so as time passes his language/ behaviour will constantly be changing.

3 year olds are hard work - the really best advice I can give you (based on my own experience having a 2 yr old and baby) is that you have to remember how little your 3 year old still is! I look back in horror at the behaviour I expected from my 2 / 3 yr old son once I had a baby.

I feel guilty that I wanted him to be perfectly behaved/ never annoying etc - they are little still and their behaviour annoying as it is is very very normal.

It sounds like you are getting anxious about the baby coming and that is making you over react to normal 3 yr old behaviour - I totally sympathise but try to see your toddlers actions/ rsponses as age appropriate development - they will pass just stay calm!

lots of tv over the summer never feel guilty when juggling newborn and older one! just make sure you get out and wear the older one out all the time and the summer holidays will pass in the end!

I found being heavily pregnant with a small child far harder than having a newborn and a small child so try not to worry.

Thankyou waterrat, I think you’ve summed up my situation very well. I think I am expecting different behaviour from him when that’s unrealistic and unfair for his age. Subsequently it’s stressing me out. He’s a very good communicator so whilst that helps me understanding him I think I’ve assumed he can always understand me which for his age is not the case. I think I will also look back in horror at my expectations of him. More motherly guilt to come there I reckon.

hermags, thankyou. I also completely underestimated how bloody difficult pregnancy and toddlerhood can be. I hold on to your comment that a newborn and a toddler is easier! Thankyou

scrivette did you find it harder due to energy levels/mobility or something else? I’ve completely lost my tolerance levels in this pregnancy which I guess is hormone related. With my first child I was floating on a cloud of happiness for most of the pregnancy. Maybe that was first time mothers naivety but with this pregnancy I’m such a grump and snapping so easily. Then follows the guilt and as though I’m losing control of the situation although since waterrats post I can see that I need to back off a bit on my expectations of my 3 year olds behaviour.

@Chocness I think it was a mixture of tolerance levels and being able to move more to pick him up for cuddles etc. I felt so huge and I wasn't able to do much with him and even walking up the stairs made me feel puffed out.

When the baby was born and I had to feed her lots I would get DS to bring over some books and we would read them together, so he felt like he was the one getting lots of attention rather than the baby.

Also, could you not leave him in nursery for one morning? Or is it a Pre School which shuts for the summer?

I do find that being out and about helps too, just a trip to the park (pre or post baby) some snacks for both of you and you sit and watch him play.
Plus bubbles, you sit and blow them and he can run around to catch them and get rid of some energy.

Thanks @scrivette

Will do the bubbles thing, great idea.
It's preschool that shuts for the summer. I do have friends who I can meet up with over that time but obviously it's still managing two little ones when one newborn would (hopefully!) be a bit easier.

Have a basket of books at the ready for when I have to feed baby. Great tip, Thankyou.

Best of luck!