To parents of grown up children

[lulu12345]

What advice would you give to those of us just starting out as parents? What do you wish someone had told you when your children were still little?

That the worry doesn't EVER stop no matter how old your children are.

^^ this!
Parenting is for life, but I mean it in a good way. My Nanikins tells me she still worries about my mum!

They will always be your children and you will always worry about them, however old they are, but you need to step back and let them find their way.

1. Learn and repeat the phrase - This is a phase, it soon shall pass, applies to teething, non- sleepers, toddlers tantrums, pre teen cheekiness, teenager strops etc, etc!

1. Always make time to listen to what your children have to say, sounds obvious, but sometimes in the reality of everyday living you forget or don't have time. If your children feel that you will listen without judgement then they will feel confident to come to you when they have problems.

I have DD 22, why is off at uni and DS 17 who just finished his Highers yesterday (we are in Scotland) and who is off to uni in September, and that's it, my babies will have flown the nest so enjoy your children, the time goes so fast.

That the worry doesn't EVER stop no matter how old your children are.

^^ this, in spades!

Pick your battles.
Be firm, but fair so they know where they stand.
Make time to listen to them, however busy you are.
As they get older, supporting their emotional & mental health is really important.

Finally, when they hit the teenage years, shut the door on messy bedrooms for your own sanity

I agree with the above... every (especially stressful) phase willl go.
One to one time with little one on regular basis doing what they want and how they want to play.

We have a bed time chat where I ask my dd about her day and feelings so she feels comfortable talking and not keeping anything in as well as discussing happy, sad/worrying moments from her day.
I look at bring up my children as preparation for life and choose my battles: what will matter in the long term ( for me healthy eating, activities, manners...) and where I can ease off and let them be kids

well mine aren't grown up but they are starting the next phase of childhood and toddler years feel a lifetime ago now.

I think I would tell myself that I should have sought and accepted more help as this would have enabled me to enjoy my time with them more. I'm not sure how you can make that happen really

Just because my children are older it doesn't mean I know what I'm doing but more importantly just don't listen to other people 'promoting' their kids achievements. Mine can walk/potty train in 6 hours/ sleep through. Most of the time its total bollocks just smile and say 'that's nice'. I was told my eldest was 'so below average he should be at a special needs school'. He was just shy. He's now studying law at Uni. You know your child better than anyone. Believe it! And most importantly if some one compliments your child. Say 'thank you'. Don't try to play it down, just suck it up. As a parent you deserve it!

Mine are 20 and 22.
More than anything else, more than any material thing, your children need you, your attention and and your time. This doesn't stop being true as they get older in fact I'd say teenagers need you as much as babies. Anyone can change a nappy but you are the best person to help and guide them through the emotional swings and roundabouts of adolescence.

Enjoy every moment. Things are not as important as you think. You will look back at how you worried about details like weaning, potty training, learning milestones and realise how trivial and unimportant they were.

Pause before you say no to a request and try to say yes if you can.

I don’t have grown children (halfway there) but things I wished my parents had kept in mind were

•that money doesn’t replace their time and attention.
•have a sense of humour- children are funny, enjoy it rather than worry about what others think.
•shouting is truly stressful. For everyone involved. I’m guilty of shouting myself but I don’t do it anymore. It’s ineffective. Talking works. Take as many deep breaths as you needs to get you go that point. Far more effective.
•the house doesn’t need to be tidy.
•children are real people. And actually very interesting people when you take the time to chat with them.
•don’t worry about what their peers are doing or acheiveing. We all grow at different rates in different directions.

Enjoy every moment, they grow so fast..

The best way to keep them close is to let them go.
Let them know they are loved always.
Try not to criticise their choices and never ever say ‘I told you so’.
Mine are in their forties now.

Thanks everyone, so interesting to hear these views. I’m right in the thick of the exhausting baby/toddler years and while I’m up to my elbows in detailed advice about sleeping/eating/tantrums etc it’s much more interesting to hear the really big lessons that parents take away after 20+ years of experience.

That often children thrive and survive despite their parents not because of them.

To always treat your children with respect.

Make them as independent as you possibly can from an early age.

You don’t have to parent every child the same. They have their own personalities and needs.

If you have firm and fair rules up until they are 5 they will carry those through their life.

If the children do something wrong, criticise the behaviour not the child.

Never compare your children to their siblings or other children.

Don’t let others derail your ideas. Parent your child with love and patience.

Don’t sweat the small stuff.

You never stop worrying about them.

Every bad phase will pass.

They’ll remember all the fun times as adults, and (thankfully) not the time you lost your shit over homework, so try and do as many “experiences” as you can.