Struggling to cope with 17 month old.

[pla85]

I'm a sahm (looking for work) of 2. My eldest DD is 9 and my youngest DD is 17 months. This is gonna be a long one sorry! I'm not looking for advice per se, I just want to vent. My eldest DD (both have different dads ) was an absolute angel as a baby very content, low maintenance and loved her sleep. DD2 is feral. Absolute polar opposite which of course every baby is different so I expected this. Her father is hard work so I shouldn't be too surprised that she is. Since the day she was born she has been hard work. She screamed like a banshee when she came out and it didn't stop till she was 5 months old when finally after going to every hospital/doctors I could she was diagnosed with silent reflux and a cows milk allergy. This is now under control as she has no dairy and is on an amino acid based milk. She does however still get terrible wind at times. Her diet is very limited, she will only eat dry finger foods but even then she's extremely fussy with those. She literally takes food apart when eating it or just throws it away without trying it. Spoon feeding her is hard work as she will not let you. She can't master how to spoon feed herself yet and just gets frustrated. With toys etc she is the same will only play with certain things and when I say play I mean walking about with a random toy for most of her play time. I take her to mother and toddlers as she was very very strange with people she's definitely improved in that area but she's not interested in other kids. Her assessment she scored poorly in social skills as she doesn't understand things like 'go get your dummy' etc so when hv was asking her to do things she wasn't understanding. She doesnt understand pointing so communicates things to me by screaming. She mostly babbles but has two words now so that's an improvement. She sees a speech therapist but she's still very young so not a lot they can do. I have had her hearing checked as she doesn't always respond but she's yet to pass it. I don't think there's hearing issues I think she struggles to break her concentration when she's focusing on something. Now we get to the biggest issue. SLEEP or lack of sleep. When she was born and up until she was 8 months old she slept like a dream even with the silent reflux etc, in the early weeks she only got up once a night, I thought I had hit the jackpot! Sadly not. On a good night she will sleep from 7.45pm till 6am maybe waking twice but going back to sleep. I have tried earlier and later bedtimes makes no difference. She has a 2 hour nap during the day usually morning, I've tried to cut that out but she is hell on Earth all day. For the last few months at least 2 or 3 nights a week she will waken about 12am or 1am and she will not go back to sleep for hours! I'm at my wits end! I don't mind if she wakes a lot just please go back to sleep! She will cry and cry if I put her in her cot I live in a 4 in a block with neighbours through the wall and downstairs so I cannot let her scream her head off at the time. I only have two bedrooms but can't put her in with her sister due to her sleep issues. I've tried giving her water her milk, feeding her more before she goes to bed. Tiring her out by taking her to parks etc. Tried splitting her nap absolutely nothing works! I get this is probably a phase and it will eventually pass but i am just so tired all the time! I'm lucky I'm not working at the minute but that won't be forever and I'm out all day with her as she gets bored in the house and whinges. I have help from her dad but he works full time. My mum doesn't help says she couldn't cope with her which is so frustrating as she helps with my siblings kids! Her dads mum also doesn't help as his sibling has health problems and she has their child a lot. I get so angry as I feel my dd gets left out! As for my mum I'm much more angry at her, my sisters child was a hard child yet my mum helped her but I just get told no! Trying to find work is hard as she is so hard to watch so I'm looking for something at night so her dad can help. I need to work to save my sanity! I love my kids to death but I will have no more. My youngest has put me off for life. Sorry for such a long post just needed to get all this off my chest.

Really feel for you Pla. It sounds like you are dealing with this completely alone and so totally in the thick of it. It sounds like you are really on the ball in terms of getting her the help she needs eg hearing test and speech therapist so you are being practical and proactive.
It really sounds like you need a break though as you are getting zero help from family. Could she go to nursery/childcare for a few hours a week? I find if I don’t have a break I can’t see the woods for the trees.
Hang on in there - you are doing a great job and meeting her needs.

It sounds rough and I sympathise because I have a high-maintenance DD myself who is 18 months. I am by no means an expert but I think you need to pick and choose what's important here.

Personally I don't bother with trying to get my DD to use a spoon, firstly because she doesn't have the dexterity for it yet and secondly because the only spoon food she will accept is baked beans! I cut up her food for her and she has a spoon to practice/play with.

My DD speaks only a handful of words which I am told is totally normal at this age. She babbles a lot but I understand little. Just wondering who advised you to see a speech therapist? It seems like jumping the gun a bit and might be causing you more anxiety than is necessary.

I'm definitely experiencing the first kick of toddlerhood and it does help having a break so I would echo the importance of finding some childcare if you can afford it, even if it's just a couple of mornings a week. I'm an expat so I have zero family support around me and that's how I cope.

It's really hard sometimes, but try to focus on what your DD CAN do/likes and not always on what she can't or where you think she is falling short. Mine often feels like she's so much harder work and already "behind" in so many areas than her peers, but she has an amazing knack for picking up tunes and I can often hear her humming her favourite songs as we go about our day. It reminds me she has her own personality and gives me hope that once she emerges from the crap toddler stage, she might be a total delight!

Clueless Mummy

Thank you for your reply it was really helpful! I think part of my problem is that I'm surrounded by mums who's kids (same age) are much more advanced and my daughter just seems so different to them.

But you're right about being happy with the things she can do, funnily enough my daughter also loves humming to tunes and dancing! She loves music.

In terms of the speech therapist this was the health visitor as my daughter had words when she was about 10 months and then dropped them. The speech therapist is really only helping her with the pointing etc as she is very young.

I should've pointed out in my post that I suffer from terrible depression so this really doesn't help with my bleak outlook childcare I can't afford but my sister has offered to take her on a Friday morning to help so that's a start!

Also I do think you're going to have to cut that nap to get a solid night's sleep.

At 16 months mine had one at 10am that I'd cut to 45 mins and another at 1.45 that I'd cut at 1 hour 30.

It got tricky to "squeeze" in both so around 17 months I started a new routine. I'd take her for a short walk in her buggy at 9.30 to give her a "rest", then give her morning tea when we stopped at 10. Lunch was 11.15-11.30 and I'd put her down for a nap at 12.15 after a bottle at 12. I'm still doing roughly the same thing, except she doesn't need the "rest" so much now. I'll still cut her lunchtime nap at 2.15, otherwise there's no way she'll settle before 7.30-7.45.

She definitely still gets grumpy to be woken some days, but personally I'd rather deal with a grizzly baby for a while in the afternoon than have her up at night (or awake super early).

As I said, I am NO WAY NEAR an expert, but your DD sounds very similar to mine (even down to her medical history) and that's what's worked for me.

She's begun a charming biting/hair-pulling phase so I'm definitely not out of the woods Working on that!

Peggy

My reply to you didn't post thank you for your reply!

I totally agree with not seeing the woods for the trees this is totally me at the minute! Childcare is so expensive here so can't afford to do that but my sister is now going to take her on Friday morning to help.

Sorry, cross posted - OK that makes sense, my DD has only just started talking really so that's why I was curious.

It's great that your sister has stepped in - make sure you plan something nice for those Fridays, eg go out for a coffee, the odd treat, etc, rather than catching up on housework every time!

Totally get you feeling low. I've always struggled with DDs fussiness - I don't know why it gets my goat so much, it just does - but my DSIS suggested writing a list of what she WOULD eat rather than obsessing about what she wouldn't. I'm not going to claim it illustrated the world's healthiest diet, as that would be a complete lie, but there were certainly more foods on the list than I thought there would be! It definitely helped me to think more positively about her eating, rather than dreading every mealtime.