Could it be post natal depression?

[owltrousers]

I have a 3 (almost 4) month old son. I love him to pieces and he is amazing. I have a very supportive / hands on DH who is brilliant. I'm on maternity leave from my job until November. I have a history of anxiety, but not so much depression although I did take anti depressants for 3 years.

Recently I've just felt depressed and tearful every so often, usually by Thursday when I've been home with DS all week by myself and I'm starting to feel at my most tired. I feel pathetic because DS is a lovely baby - so smiley and easy. He also sleeps pretty well for a baby and I can usually get at least 6 hours sleep a night. Sleep has always been an issue for me with my anxiety and if I don't get enough I fall apart.

I see friends every week, go to baby clubs, go on long walks with the dog and also spend days at home playing with DS, so I don't think its an isolated or loneliness issue, I always feel fine over the weekend when DH is home to take some of the strain and we always manage to catch up on a bit of sleep. The depressed feeling creeps up on me throughout the week and by Thursday I spend a lot of the day crying / trying to nap. I don't want to burden DH with this as he already does just as much as me for the baby and he also works full time.

I just feel like I need a break from DS every so often. We've only left him once so far with DH's parents for 3 hours. I'm half tempted to see if I can leave him with a childminder for say 2 hours during the week on a Thursday and see if it helps but I also hate that idea and it makes me feel like a failure as a mother.

I just feel pathetic and sad and I'm not sure what to do.

I started struggling with my DD when she was about 5 months old. I'd worked full time up until having her, we'd just moved and I didn't know anyone and I knew I wouldn't be gping back to work until my DH stopped his current role and to cut a long story short, I fell to pieces. It took me another 3 months before I'd admit to myself that there was an issue and then more time after that before I went to the doctors.

I appreciate that circumstances for you are different but essentially having a baby and the proceeding months are bloody challenging. I did have PND and I did start taking Anti Ds and it was the best thing I could have done for me and my DD. I'd got to the point that I didn't like spending time with her before I did anything about it though and I wish I'd have done something sooner.

I'm not saying you do have PND but it's always worth telling someone how you feel because they are the ones who can support you through it. You should tell your DH (mine worked such long hours and would come home to me being miserable and still help 100% with our DD, I get the guilt you feel about that too). You should also speak to HV because they have a basic screening test that they can do and then give you some advice from there.

Basically, from what I've learnt, it's ok to feel the way you do and there are a lot of support networks out there to help. I am currently due my second and I have the fears that it will happen again but this time I've set things in motion and ill be more proactive. Its just one of those things.

I hope some of that helped.

I did use paragraphs, not sure why they haven't worked.

@YoumeandlittleP Thank you, it did help.

I really don't want to go on anti depressants again. Although they helped a lot - I felt like a different person - the side effects weren't worth it. I kind of feel like thats all a Dr can offer me.

Please please don’t be hard on yourself - it sounds like you are doing lots with him and giving him the attention he needs. This is not your fault or your choice to feel like this. I’m starting to think more and more that PND or just feeling low when looking after small children is the sheer relentlessness of it and back in the day there was more a sense of community to help and also less expectations on the mother. It’s interesting that you say it creeps in by Thursday - it sounds like you are exhausted. Definitely definitely do not be ashamed or feel bad about asking for help - a few hours a week of him in childcare could be a game changer for you and you will be on much better form for your son so helping yourself will actually help him too.
Good luck. It’s really hard so be kind to yourself.

I completely agree with Peggy! You sound run down. I found that if I didn't have something planned for each day that it made me a lot worse.

In terms of support, I wasn't trying to push Anti D's on you but it is always worth telling someone what you're going through. There are other forms of support to try, as I did, before turning to them. I think the childminder option is your starting point and if that doesn't help how you're feeling then you should discuss other options.

I have had CBT therapy and there's counselling too. Lots of options.

I will say though, if the anti depressants made you feel like someone else then they weren't right for you. They shouldn't make you feel that way; it's counterproductive.