3 year olds tantrums are killing me

[TheBogWitchIsBack]

Just what it says in the title really.
My dd is 3, she is my 4th child. There is an 11 year gap between her and her siblings.
I have never known tantrums like it and it's really affecting me.
She is at nursery and I know she's tired when she gets home at 3pm but putting her down for a nap would mean a really late bed time.
The tantrums can go on for hours or stop for maybe 20-30 mins and then start again. It can be over anything, the smallest thing can set her off and she just will not stop.
I have handled tantrums before but I have never experienced anything like this, the screaming, the roaring, the kicking.
It's got to the point where I fear my neighbours will think she's being hurt! I'm so embarrassed. She will tantrum in the street, on the way home from school, I hate taking her shopping.
I have been trying the time out/naughty step/ removing toys but she is relentless and by the time bed time comes around I am mentally and emotionally drained!

I'm really not sure what I'm asking for here, just a rant really and confirmation that this won't last forever!

I really recommend 'Toddler Calm'. My DS is only 16 months but has reached tantrumming stage and the book's made me change the way I deal with him.

Exactly the same here. Word for word. I'm a single parent too and she is pushing me ever closer to the edge. Hitting me. Screaming at me. Ignoring me. Throwing things. Refusing to go into shops. Refusing to use Potty or toilet. You name it, it causes a meltdown.

I had to stop myself from leaving when she went to my Mums the other day.... Not proud of it but I honestly felt like packing my bags and going far, far away.

Every. 5. Minutes. Sometimes even less.

If I'm on the phone she whines & screams. If I tell her to shush, even really nicely, no matter how I say it, she screams.

I can't take it anymore

That sounds so tough. As she's your 4th dc I'm sure you've dealt with all manner of things so apologies in advance if my post is old news. I also only have 1dc so can give her a lot more of my time that what i imagine it would be like with 3 teenagers around..

I have a 3yo dd and can see when she's on the verge of a melt down. My way of dealing with it is changing my view of what's happening - my dd does this when she needs attention, feels frustrated by being out of control or when plans change (even as small as whether we wash her hair in the bath or not etc). I get down to her level and acknowledge her frustration, tell her I'm listening and I'm here for a hug. Then i wait calmly. The anger seems to calm a bit and she often cries and then comes for a hug. Then we talk calmly about what's happening next and i might give her a choice over something (both choices that i approve of) and make a plan together. I may be creating a monster but its working so far.

I really hope you find something that works for you, sounds bloody awful for both of you!

Early teatime at 4pm Then bath and story. Bed at 6pm. An early start is not as bad as a disrupted evening. I had four under six and no help. Two of them were expert tantrummers. All now in their 20s and turned out fine. It does get easier.

Thank you for your responses, it makes me feel better to know I'm not the only one going through this.
I think you've hit the nail on the head @CatRen27 I do need to change what I'm doing. I'm currently doing things I know worked for me in the past with her siblings, like distraction, ignoring, and they are just not working! It's difficult when you've been using these tried and tested methods for years and suddenly, holy shit! This isn't working!
It has really thrown me and I need to rethink everything I thought I knew about being a parent.
I think an early bed time may work, I'm usually up at the crack of dawn anyway so it's worth a shot and certainly can't make things any worse.

I hope you do find a way to get through it. I figure the only thing i can really control is myself, my perspectives and my behaviour so start there and see if your dd responds. Best of luck

Today and yesterday have been better. She's not been at nursery because she's got a terrible cough so she's not been as tired.
I'm now wondering if she's just a bit mentally frazzled by nursery rather than physically tired and that's what's causing the melt downs?
Today and yesterday have been meltdown free. We've had a few moments where I felt she was starting but it didn't brew into a massive tantrum.