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Original poster

Please help me see positives - wished I'd started TTC sooner

14 replies

catlike1979 · 16/05/2018 12:59

I'm 38 and have a 2.4 year old DS who we conceived after a year via fertility treatment (unexplained infertility). We started trying again this January when DS was 2, and got pregnant first month! Sadly I miscarried at 10 weeks, we've been trying since and I've just got my period (2 cycles trying).

I'm feeling so despondent about so many things. Given our history and ages, why did we leave it so long to start TTC number 2? It seems most people start around the 18 month mark so there is a 2-2.5year age gap, I'm obsessing that even if I get pregnant this month there will be a 3.1 year gap which is bigger than I would want, however when I had the chance to have a smaller gap (TTC last year) I just wasn't ready as DS still seemed like such a baby. Now of course the time has come around when baby 2 may have been born and I look at DS NOW as a toddler and think it would be amazing if he had a sibling.

However I'm not pregnant, I'm 39 at the end of this year, I'm feeling so gutted about the bigger age gap (worried they will be worlds apart), my age (worried I won't conceive) and why the hell did I wait so long? Now I remember how painful it is to get your period when you are trying and I am right back in that painful place. Also, we even thought about having 3 DCs and that window is closing fast.

I keep crying and feeling so hopeless and wish I could go back in time and try for baby 2 this time last year. But I didn't. And I can't. I feel so sad. Please help :-( xxxx

OP posts:

Original poster

catlike1979 · 16/05/2018 17:34

Anyone?

OP posts:

beemay · 16/05/2018 21:07

TTC a yearned for second baby is just as agonising as with first, I've been there - sorry you're going through this. It's easy to say, very hard to do - but there really is no point in dwelling on what could've been, wasting worries on the if only's... There are pros and cons for every age gap, too close is tough in all sorts of ways.

For me, I just had to take as much control of the situation as I could - getting a blood test to check my egg count as I was 39 nearly 40, using ovulation kits etc etc. You say you had fertility treatment last time - can you get advice about what to do this time given your history? Wishing you luck, you just don't know what's round the corner

boopdoop · 16/05/2018 21:17

It's so hard isn't it. We were similar, waitress until DS was 2.5, got pregnant but miscarried, and then eventually got pregnant after 9 months of trying (partly because she works away and is often away for the crucial days!). DS2 was born 3 weeks before DS1's 4th birthday, and I was 40 just before he was born. I also wanted 3 which now seems impossible.

But having got there I wouldn't change it. With DS1 being 4, his understanding is so much better, he can help, he's so much more independent so it's making ire much easier than if he was younger. I'll also be on mat leave for his first term at school etc. So many positives.

But I do remember how frustrating and painful those months of ttc were, and really feel for you. I hope things happen for you soon.

Can you look into the fertility treatment again sooner rather than later?

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boopdoop · 16/05/2018 21:21

Sorry for typos... We waited, not waitress and DH works away., not she...

buffysummers4 · 17/05/2018 06:53

I think in this sort of situation it does seem like 'everyone' has the thing that you don't have (for me trying to conceive my first it was having children at all, for you at the moment it is that 'perfect' age gap).
No doubt this might not help much but out of the mums I know well very few have that 2 year age gap - I had 3.5 years, two will have a 4.5 year gap and quite a lot haven't mentioned any plans for a second. (Then there's all the friends without children). In our case it was planned to have a 3 yr minimum gap so older one had his preschool funding and I didn't have them both at home full time - I know I wouldn't have coped with a small age gap. We were very lucky that the second one came along v quickly but I was really anxious about going back to that monthly disappointment after all the years of it with my first so I really feel for you. I'm sure it must be the same for the people around you - however I guess the ones with bigger age gaps may be less visible when you're out and about in public as the older one is more likely to be at preschool or school.
Also rationally I expect you know that a 6 month difference in when you started trying is unlikely to make much difference from a fertility perspective. But I know these sorts of feelings aren't easy to reason away and I wish you all the best.

L1zz13 · 17/05/2018 10:06

Sorry your feeling down. Don't worry about age gaps. They're not important.
I have three chn. With 3.5 age difference between first two and 7/10 with third.
Having a mummy's little helper is brilliant. A 2-3 yr old isn't reliable to run and fetch a Muslin or wipes.
And OMG having a ten yr old when youngest cane along was like having an au pair. Bloody brilliant.

I've just had my sister for the weekend and her two boys 9m and 2.5yrs. Talk about herding cats! We didn't do anything and she doesn't go anywhere as the 2 yr is just into everything which is impossible to manage and care for the baby outside of the home.

Forget ages and focus on your attempts on ttc. I'm 40 this yr and am desperate for #4. Sadly mc in March. Won't be trying indefinitely. When I've accepted it won't happen I am making a plan that will help me transition to a non baby making stage of my life. So far I've not got very far other than xmas skiing!

waterrat · 17/05/2018 14:09

OP, try to put the past behind you. A year in terms of fertility isn't a huge deal - if you had left it 5 years then yes you may have made a difference - but you are talking about a very small period of time.

Try to stay calm and focus on the now- you have been pregnant once you will get there in the end - don't even think aout age gap there is no point. Children of all sorts of ages get on and love each other and yours will too.

Are you hving fertility treatment now?

Original poster

catlike1979 · 17/05/2018 14:35

Thanks so much ladies for your replies. I'm not having fertility treatment at the moment - as we got pregnant first time naturally this time and it's only been 2 cycles since the mc (the first one was a bit weird anyway as my body wasn't quite back to normal), I figured I might be jumping the gun to go straight into treatment. Hoping it will quickly naturally again. Am I being overly optimistic? I have an appointment today to have all the blood tests done in case we decided in a few months we want to go ahead - nothing like being efficient!

OP posts:

TeenTimesTwo · 17/05/2018 15:37

There isn't a 'right' age gap. There is over 5 years between my 2, and they have always had a very good relationship.
Try not to stress, if another one comes along, it will be lovely, but don't forget to enjoy the one you already have.

FartnissEverbeans · 19/05/2018 00:59

3 years is a good age gap IMO. Me and my brother are three years apart - we've always got on really well, go out together now as adults and he even lived with us for a bit before we had our son and we all had a great time! My sister and I are five years apart and really close.

I'm planning to aim for a 3 year age gap.

Good luck OP

Funnyface1 · 19/05/2018 20:49

I have a 6 year gap and they absolutely adore each other. Dd is 20 months and ds is 7 and is an amazing big brother. He's so patient and kind and gentle and loves being my little helper.

I thought they wouldn't be close because of the age gap. I thought ds would resent suddenly not being an only child. I couldn't have been more wrong. The older dd gets and the more they can share together is so lovely, just makes them so happy.

RandomMess · 19/05/2018 20:53

BakedBeeeen · 19/05/2018 21:01

I'm really glad I did not have my children close together. They are 3 years apart, which meant that I got to enjoy each one as a baby. I have seen friends struggle who have 2 year and less age gap, I think it would be hideous! Yes, it would probably be good when they are both at school and play together, but I don't agree having children close together to "get it out of the way". We couldn't afford to have 2 at nursery for a long time, so financially it would have been impossible anyway.

JiltedJohnsJulie · 19/05/2018 21:22

Please don’t worry about 5he age gap. I really, really wanted a 2 year gap as me and my sister have a huge gap but it just didn’t work out. In the end we got a 3.3 gap and it’s been fine. DC1 was in preschool for sone of the week and it meant that I got more time with the baby. Ow they’re older it’s still a small enough gap that we can do things they enjoy as a family.

Yes conceiving when you are older isn’t as easy but it can be done. I had my last when I was 39, there is hope.

Could you plan a couple of nights out with your DH?

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