Gender Disappointment

[LunaSeraphina]

Hey everyone, I'm not a mum but my sister has just told me that she's 14 weeks pregnant and at her 12 week scan, the ultrasound technician said that he was 60% sure that my sister was having a boy. I'm just wondering how accurate this might be as she doesn't seem to happy with that news. Thanks!

Blaablaa, it's quite common not to understand something of which you have no experience. I've tried to explain how gender disappointment is linked to depression for some women but you remain determined not to show compassion. That's your choice. But gender disappointment isn't a choice. It's not a whim or superficial. You may as well tell my Dad who suffers from lifelong depression that he's self indulgent giving in to it.

I'm pleased that people speak up about it. It helps it pass to talk about it.

I have seen people 'suffer' from 'gender disappointment' and I have an excellent understanding of depression. The two aren't the same and to compare them is undermining the seriousness of depression. I am incredibly compassionate but in this case my compassion is saved for the children whose parents who can't just be happy and grateful for what they have.

'gender disappointment' is essentially saying you are disappointed in your child before they've even been born. People who 'suffer' from this often have very fixed ideas of what it means to be a boy or a girl and this extends into the relationships parents feel they will have with a child of a particular gender.

I've seen this scenario play itself out over and over with both men and women In a personal and professional capacity. So, I do have compassion but not for the parents in this situation.

I said sometimes it's linked to depression and like you, I've professional experience of this and I've seen what you would dismiss as mere disappointment being the first symptom of antenatal depression which spiralled with the worst possible outcome. I don't need to save my compassion for one subset of people dealing with the unforseen, there's enough to go round.

Gender stereotyping and gender disappointment are two different things and by conflating the two, you're woefully and deliberately misunderstanding. Trust me, I'm a pretty radical feminist, gender stereotyping pushes every button I have. People gutted that they can't buy pink dresses for their boy or take their little prince to the football because it turns out he's got a vagina are different to the woman who has undisclosed sexual abuse in her past and is blindsided by utter grief at the fear she can't protect her unborn child from the same.

And often in its mildest form, it isn't even disappointment in what you have but the bittersweet poignancy of a door closing.

As I said, it's brilliant that you don't get it. It means you've never been through it.

In my experience 'gender disappointment' and gender stereotyping go hand in hand. I've seen it range from fairly mild ( just kept between the parents ), to more serious (where the child knows they were the wrong gender in their parents eyes) right through to people terminating pregnancies.

If you have depression and it manifests in this way then, yes, it's serious and needs treating - but there are deeper issues at play there .

However, most people claiming to have 'gender disappointment' are self indulgent, often narrow minded and hold deep seated gender stereotypes. I've seen a lot of those.