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Original poster

My baby doesn't like me

25 replies

carpetbrush · 14/05/2018 08:20

Hi, I have a 4 week old and he generally is a lovely baby. But we have lots of extended family, and his grandparents are very much involved in his care. He seems to like them and settle much better for them than he does for me. I don't think he likes me very much. Last night he wouldn't settle for me, so my mum took him and she said he slept like a dream. It makes me feel like a failure to have to ask for help settling him, and even worse when they seem to do it so easily. I don't know if he even knows im his mum or likes me at all and it's very upsetting. I want to be able to deal with my baby on my own and not have to get anyone else involved as I'm his mum and should be able to handle him. Any thoughts or advice?

OP posts:

0ccamsRazor · 14/05/2018 08:25

I suspect Op that your baby is picking up on your anxiety as a first time mum?

Maybe ask your own mum to show you how she gets your baby to sleep.

These things are not always instinctual, some times they are a learned skill.

MollyHuaCha · 14/05/2018 08:27

Congratulations on your new baby. You sound like an amazing mum, so caring.

I remember that feeling that others must be experts. They're not experts, they just give that impression.

I would suggest you try to spend as much time as possible with your new baby.

If someone in the extended family has a technique for getting baby off to sleep, then ask them to tell you/show you so that you can try it yourself.

Imchlibob · 14/05/2018 08:32

Oh my dear one. Your baby loves you I promise. Your feelings are a quite normal and common symptom of post natal depression and you should talk to your health visitor or gp about getting some support. There are also local support groups and charities that can help - whereabouts are you?

Babies are chaotic and irrational in general but actually at 4 weeks old your baby doesn't really understand what a person is or that he is a different person to other people. He just has very basic instincts to shout when he needs something, but he doesn't know what that something is. Crying when he is with you doesn't mean he is sad, it means he us confident that he is safe. Sleeping when with other carers doesn't mean he likes them better either.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

0-3 months old Babies & sleep Families General parenting

Redken24 · 14/05/2018 08:33

Honestly not everyone me included! Has a natural nack for knowing what babies need. Your just starting don't be so hard on yourself. I didn't know how to do anything before mine was born and I still feel like I'm learning 18 mnths on. Your mum is a proud granny even if the baby hadnt slept she would have just been adoring on him. It's always OK to ask for help and different ways of doing things 🤗 if I had a pound for everythin I learned I wouldn't be well off but I'd have a tidy sum.
When my child was born I was v worried about our Bond so I didn't like to ask anyone for help and didn't like anyone else to hold her. I wanted her to know who her mum was and to want/need me. I can remember that feeling very well it was normal in my case and it settled a bit after the first 3 months. Probably my own confidence. But your not alone in your feelings is what I wanted to say

reallyanotherone · 14/05/2018 08:33

He settles for others because to him, you = milk. Especially if you’re breastfeeding. He doesn’t sleep because he can smell food.

Simple as that.

Is your mum taking him overnight? When you say she said he slept like a dream it sounds like she’s taking him away? It will be better for you and him to learn each others routines and cues, so be careful you don’t let others talk you into letting them deal with him too much.

Bear in mind also that many people will boast how well a baby sleep- they are so amazing, like baby whisperers! When the reality is not much different to yours. They just aren’t going to admit they can’t do it..plus they will want the baby as much as possible.

Loandbeholdagain · 14/05/2018 08:36

I felt like this and had to actually re-establish some things to help with bonding. So I made a new rule that only me or DH could feed him, I put him down for all naps etc. Well meaning support can sometimes interrupt attachment. It doesn’t mean your baby doesn’t love you, but like any relationship sometimes you have to spend more time together if it’s strained. Get your family to help more practically e.g cleaning, making meals, tidying and leave you to the baby cuddles.

GinUnicorn · 14/05/2018 08:37

Oh please don't think this. Your baby loves you. As others have said he smells the milk and gets hungry or can just be a little fidgety.

I hope you don't mind me saying this but are maybe family being a bit over bearing? Perhaps a few days being left alone with your lo for bonding might help? Sometimes as well intentioned as help is it can be counter productive when you just need to get to know your baby. Xx

userabcname · 14/05/2018 08:37

I reckon your baby cries because he loves / wants you! When DS was newborn the only place I could settle him was in my arms. DH and my mum could settle him in his moses basket and pram but he always wanted me to physically hold him. It's their instinct to keep you close! A few months down the line he'll be crying every time you leave the room and you'll wish he would settle for someone else! Hang in there, you're doing a fab job!

TuTru · 14/05/2018 08:40

Babies can make you feel like that sometimes, but they definitely love their mums. Be glad of the help you receive, I wish I’d had more help. Although my mother once said they’re there to help you, not the baby. They help you, so you can help the baby. Just keep looking after and loving your baby and try and relax round baby, although it’s hard to sometimes xx

Feb2018mumma · 14/05/2018 08:48

Don't be sad! Your tired from no sleep ect whereas your mum can sway and rock baby and is full of energy as not caring for him 24/7! He can maybe sense your stress and upset? Have a little mum and bub bath? My lo is 3 months old and I love bath cuddles! I put my tablet on and watch TV while he snuggles into me! Might help you feel closer to him? Or go to a baby group where you have fun rather than at-home it can be overwhelming?

gingerbreadbiscuits · 14/05/2018 08:50

Babies go silent with strangers normally this means not Mum and Dad. It is a survival instinct. In the wild a baby who made noise would have attracted predators.

Definitely if you are breast feeding then you equal milk or even just snuggles if you are not. My two year old goes straight to sleep for MIL abut never for DH and I.

BuntyII · 14/05/2018 08:53

Babies and children are often fussy and irritable with their mums. It's because they can be their real selves around you and vocalise any discomfort - they trust you with all their little problems. Think about how you act with the people you love and feel comfortable with, you don't have to put on a show, you can be grumpy, rude or even ignore them at times. Babies are just the same.

onedayiwillmissthis · 14/05/2018 09:13

Try not to let other people 'take over' too much. Your baby loves and need YOU.

Ask them to help in other ways...so that you can get as much rest as possible.

If it takes you a little longer to settle baby...so what...you 'grew' that little thing inside you for 9 months...went through the whole birth together and are now learning each other's ways. It's not a race.

SweetPea90 · 14/05/2018 10:07

I felt like this for a time aswell - first DC 11 weeks now.
I had to tell my DP and everyone else to back off abit and let me learn how to get on with her (never been a big baby person mine was the fist I've ever held!)
I think DC felt my anxiety as I was terrified of her being a newbie parent. But after I made myself do most things for her (obvs DP still helped) me and her got along a lot better, and now we are bff's
You'll find your way you just need to give it time!

Original poster

carpetbrush · 14/05/2018 12:08

We're an Asian family and it's tradition for the new mum to spend 40 days post birth at her mother's house to recover and convalesce. But I just feel like everyone's ready to swoop in and take him. It's not even that they had a technique, he's just better with them. They're too quick to take him overnight, but he's so much better with them. I also live with my in laws and they are extremely overbearing and constantly making comments and saying he's hungry and has wind. Feel like everyone is just waiting to take over.

OP posts:

Loandbeholdagain · 14/05/2018 12:32

That’s tough Carpetbrush. It sounds like you are struggling to feel in charge of the situation because others are taking over. Would your mum of mil be open to you talking about how you feel? Or could your DH discuss it with them? I wonder if there is any option of a last minute holiday with just the three of you to have some time to get your bearings?

HollowTalk · 14/05/2018 12:35

You need to be allowed to mother your own child. If he doesn't settle with you, then both of you need a bit of time so that he will. If they grab him, they're denying you that opportunity.

Could you talk to them about how you feel? Tell them you are learning, but you need time alone with your child to learn. Tell them you appreciate their help but you need time where he is only with you.

Shehz21 · 14/05/2018 12:41

Oh dear OP. Your last update reminds me of my own situation so much!
But there is a quite simple solution to this, your husband. He has to set boundaries with his parents about what is acceptable or not towards you. Because commenting constantly about baby being hungry or having wind makes you feel shit that you are not catering to your baby's needs properly. Also I believe it's an outdated way of thinking that whenever baby cries, it is either because he/she is hungry or has colic. My MIL kept repeating the same thing everyday bloody 50x a day about how my baby has colic.

Coming back to how you are feeling right now, i was just about to start a post about how I feel I am a horrible mum since baby settles so much better with my DM or my DH. But I agree with the comment that we=milk to them. Especially since I am exclusively breastfeeding. If you are exbf as well,it might be the reason why he settles better with others.
I hope it gets better with time for us.
Goodluck OP

Original poster

carpetbrush · 14/05/2018 16:05

I struggled to get him to latch on so I'm not BFing and I've just about got over the guilt of that. Now he just seems angry all the time I hold him, squirming and lashing out and screaming. When my parents take him, he melts in their arms though. Feeling really upset and like I don't need to be around really.

OP posts:

Redken24 · 14/05/2018 19:18

Don't be so hard on yourself. Honestly if I was in your shoes I can't imagine how hard it would be.
Are they your family? Can u not tell them you want some time alone?

moita · 14/05/2018 19:20

Your baby absolutely needs you - your his world! Don't feel guilty about not bfing - it doesn't always come easy for everyone. Can you talk to your DH or even the health visitor about how you feel?

Original poster

carpetbrush · 14/05/2018 22:49

Telling them would cause offence because they see him as theirs too. But I'm feeling really possessive of him and wondering if he even knows im his mum. As for speaking to HV, waiting on the next visit. DH is supportive, but doesn't understand why I'm not just brimming with joy at the baby. I love our son like mad and have done everything I can to bond with him, and I'm just sad that I seem to be failing!

OP posts:

Messyone · 15/05/2018 00:19

Congratulations. I am Asian and I had this with my family. You really need to be assertive and say this is my baby and this is the way I am going to do things.

I am surprised at your mum taking the baby overnight (My mum wanted me to learn how to cope with my son so she never took him overnight). Just say to your mum that you need to learn how to look after him. And also tell her that your Mil will think your mother did not teach you anything in the Chila period.

My mil would always barge into my room when ds cried. I literally had to shout at her and remind her all babies cry now and again ( which isn't great in Asian culture) . I also had said to my husband that this isn't on. I think she got the hint.

Also don't worry if the baby cries, you will learn his cues and what is bothering him. For bonding try skin to skin contact, cuddling your baby as much as possible. Also see if your baby settles in a sling that you are wearing and walk with him. See if you can go to new mum and baby groups.

Messyone · 15/05/2018 00:22

If all else fails please mention the situation to the HV.

AnxietyForever · 15/05/2018 20:53

Hi OP
I also come from a Asian background so I totally sympathise with your experience.
I've just had my second baby and I have learned a great deal from having my first.
From experience what I think you need to do is not let anybody take over, I know in an Asian household it's hard but set the boundaries straight away. If your baby is crying, be persistent with your family that you are going to deal with him, take the baby to your room, relax and just see what works in settling him. Don't worry about him crying as babies do often cry and if his needs are met just try rocking him or talking to him etc.
Also your confidence will grow in time, cut yourself some slack. I know Asian families can be over bearing too, especially when it comes to babies.
Hope this helps

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