Attention seeking 7 year old?

[Clairewithfairhair]

Does anyone have experience of dealing with a 7 year old who needs constant attention and will not keep the rules despite years of firm boundaries?

He needs attention from us from the moment he wakes- this morning he woke the whole house at 5.20am lying in bed shouting ‘mummy’ repeatedly until I went to him. He just will not stay quiet until the gro-clock despite having been told endlessly that if he wakes early he needs to read or play Lego in his room until the gro-clock sun comes up.

I was called into school last week as the teacher is concerned that he won’t focus on anything without an adult with him constantly. His latest swimming teacher is annoyed as he is silly and won’t focus. This has been a repeated thing with swimming teachers so we are paying for 1:1 but it’s still a battle.

He will not do as he’s told and we feel like we have to constantly tell him off for safety issues such as running away from us too far into the sea when we were all in the sea together at the beach yesterday. He’s like a toddler in terms of risk awareness so very wearing to deal with. He will still wander into the road, nearly hurt someone waving his knife and fork around etc etc.

Had a lovely family beach day yesterday and garden day on Sat so don’t feel we are neglecting him!

Do you guys still do reward charts or any other type of reward system? Feel like he’s a bit old for that but desperate for a positive way of dealing with him as getting cross isn’t working. We’ve always had v firm boundaries for behaviour but it doesn’t work with him. Thank you!

He sounds like he's functioning emotionally at a much younger level than 7 so I wouldn't discount things you see as being for younger children. If you haven't tried things like reward charts already, then it is worth giving a go.

You say he's had firm boundaries- what are the consequences of doing things like wandering off, and do they make any difference to whether he does it again next time? What are the consequences for messing around at swimming? Does he lose things he really wants and does that make him behave better at the next swimming lesson?

I am basically asking whether he can 'help it'. He does sound impulsive and there may be an underlying issue. But until you've given behavioural methods a go, which I assume you haven't as a sticker chart is not on your radar, you don't really know. Possibly you think the boundaries are clear but he hasn't fully understood them.

Thanks- we haven’t tried behavioural charts for years as they’ve never worked when we have. I think he has poor impulse control and sometimes can’t help it.

The consequence of wandering off in the sea were that he had to come and sit on the rug with me while my DH took our younger child back in to play. Eldest was sad but we felt he had to know that he had missed out due to his behaviour.

This morning I’ve said that he’s not going to his planned sleepover this weekend unless he earns it back with good behaviour. I just can’t have him waking everyone at 5.20. We are all shattered!

My 7yo regularly gets up at 5.30am. He gets up and makes himself breakfast and plays on his ipad. Could you trust your DS to get himself up rather than ask him to stay in his room?

Does he get loads of exercise? If not, a fairly hardcore sport might help. DS swims 5hrs a week and does a lot of school sport. Being physically worn out definitely helps.

Maybe write a list of very black and white things he has to do to get the sleepover. 'Good behaviour' may be too vague, and if he thinks he may not achieve it he may self-sabotage. It's easier to be in control of not getting something than getting it. (I's a specialist primary teacher for children with ASD/ADHD/ SEMH btw- not just basing it on the one 7yo I have at home).

Whats his diet like ? I have a son who is sensible, considerate, well behaved and funny. But if he has a sniff of sugary fizzy he turns into the Tasmanian devil - lacks impulse control, attention seeking etc. We identified this around age 5 after a friend gave him Irn Bru ! So we dont let him drink anything like that anymore worth some consideration

You say you have firm boundaries but then you say after he shouted you repeatedly you went to him even though he is supposed to stay in bed quietly until the grow clock went off. So your setting the boundary but not enforcing it which must be confusing for him and means if he shouts for long enough/loud enough he gets your attention. Do you have a consequence if he doesn’t wait in bed nicely?

Or could he get up quietly by himself and get some cereal / put the telly on?

I think saying he’s got to ‘earn’ his sleepover with good behaviour is a bit vague and confusing for him and how to you decide, if he does one really ‘naughty’ thing doesn’t he go? 5 ‘minor’ things? I think something like that, you need to maybe write a list of jobs for him to do ‘pack his bag, tidy his room, etc’ and if they all get done he can go.

Maybe agree with him just a couple of things to focus on, write them down and try to concentrate on just them.

Also, if you say that usual stratergies have never worked with him, have you looked up behaviour strategies for children with ADHD/ASD/PDA they can still be used for NT kids and it may give you ideas for ways to manage the impulse control/need for constant attention/not following instructions.

Thanks again- much appreciated. Yes I would make the reward chart specific but need to have a think about the criteria.

I’ve tried loads of sports as I always thought it would help but he wouldn’t concentrate on football/ rugby and was always asking to sit out. We do judo as an alternative to team sports which he enjoys but often is silly and gets told off for messing around.

Is there a particularly good sport for children with adhd which isn’t football or rugby?

Adhd has been suggested by an OT who we paid for a private assessment but I’ve not pursued a formal diagnosis.

In that case, I would get a formal assessment. If he has got ADHD your punishing him for things he literally can’t help. Like punishing a deaf child for constantly not listening!

You’ll just drive yourself insane trying to get him to do things that he literally can’t. You’ll need to approach things in a completely different way.

Maybe it is time to step back and look at how you speak to him. If you are constantly telling him off, or getting at him, this is wearing for everyone. Pick your battles, and follow through with consequences. Be specific with your requirements. "Be good" isn't sufficient. Perhaps write down the house rules as a family? Don't shout, this has the opposite effect. His awareness for danger seems normal for a seven year old boy.

I suspected my son could have qualified for an ADHD diagnosis at one point. I did initially get an NHS referral, and while waiting for the appointment I did a lot of reading and studying up about it. And started to implement changes. By the time we got the appointment, he had improved massively, the paediatrician was going to refer him for an ASD diagnosis. At that point I decided I did not want for my son what the NHS could offer.
We avoided foods with lots of e numbers particularly those not recommended for ADHD kids, gave omega oil supplements, did engaging eyes program because he was behind with reading, did a listening program to help with his sensitive hearing. I started doing all that stuff at age 5/6. He is nearly 9 now and doing great.
Basically, your son sounds difficult, but not so bad he would be a top priority in the NHS if there is a genuine issue. You can do so much at home if you educate yourself. Google stuff like neurological delay and biomedical treatment of ADHD.

Thanks all for your advice. To answer a few points:

Yes the criteria for earning back the sleepover will be specific and achievable. I just wasn’t thinking to that level of detail when I posted at 6.30!

I don’t shout often as am so conscious that he often can’t help it but yelling at 5.20 is ridiculous.

littledinaco it’s easy to say that I shouldn’t go to him and I see your point, but what do I do when he’s waking the 4 year old?! He then gets up and the whole thing escalates.

namechangealerttt those tips for what to google are helpful so thank you. I have googled and read a lot about adhd but most of what I’ve come across is patronising stuff about improving diet and avoiding screen time which we already do. My son is years ahead with reading but v behind stub writing as he can’t keep focused on it.

I didn’t mean you shouldn’t go to him, just that you’re setting a boundary that you aren’t able to enforce so you may be better to remove that boundary completely. Can you let him get up on his own at that time?

I think if you can afford it a formal assessment could be worth it. Either a clinical psychologist or educational psychologist would be who you would need. There's a chance he could have some form of dyslexia with the reading/writing disparity. We had a full assessment done for our son because of various behaviours and it was really helpful as we finally got a handle on what was going on for him and helped us decide on how to help him cope with things. As literally there is some stuff he has no control over (in terms of his emotional responses for us) then we can react in a supportive rather than negative/disciplinary manner if you see what I mean. But it sounds like there is more going on than being needy/naughty. 🙂

If he does have ADHD, something like ‘not going too far into the sea’ may be impossible for him to comply with and resist the impulse control. It’s hard as there is not a clear boundy in the sea, he’s just going a little bit further in each time. So in that situation you may have been better for one of you to be 1 on 1 with him in the water. Otherwise you are punishing him for something he can’t help and stopping an activity that’s good for him.
Maybe reserve the ‘punishments’ for behaviour such as being rude/hitting/throwing,etc.

Often it’s about adapting how you deal with each situation. It can be helpful when things go ‘wrong’ to really look at it from his point of view and think if there is anything you could have done differently.

The need for constant attention could be due to sensory processing difficulties or anxiety (DC with ASD/ADHD etc often have anxiety) and the constant attention is a tool they use to distract from the SPD struggles or the anxiety (or both).

A ‘sensory diet’ (not a food diet) can be good to help with impulse control/not listening and can be fantastic for DC with ADHD. It can really help to regulate him and allow him to focus. You will need an OT qualified in sensory intergration (they set it up for you and you follow at home). It can be things like deep pressure/carrying a heavy bag/bouncing up and down.

Learning a second language is fantastic for DC with ADHD as it uses a particular part of the brain. Maybe consider that instead of a sports class.

I know it’s loads of information to take in and it sounds like you’re doing fantastic with him, especially the calm/not shouting as that is probably the most important and and the hardest to implement!

Sounds like my son. He has ADHD and is medicated. We are also seeking an assessment for ASD once we have completed the transition to a new care provider. We are fortunate in that his current class teacher is the school SENCO and we have been able to get a specialist teacher to visit him twice per month to guide both us and the school. Behaviourally at home we struggle and we have tried dietary and supplement changes, we have tried reward charts etc but nothing much works tbh. Like yourself we have set very clear boundaries but I see these challenging behaviours as part of his diagnoses and/or potentially him being on the spectrum. Until we know exactly what we are dealing with we are firefighting somewhat but there are good days and bad. It's not easy being a parent anyway let alone to a child with additional needs. I would recommend you seek an assessment and then develop strategies alongside your child to combat the 'unwanted' behaviours and help you all be more resilient.

For sports I would suggest trampolining- intense sensory feedback and they only have to listen/ concentrate in short bursts.

Then cycling/ cross-country/ swimming (when he's good enough to join a swim club). Prolonged aerobic exercise brings down cortisol levels which is helpful.