11 year old and my (new) partner....help!

[squishy]

I’m not even sure if this is the right part of this forum for this post. My children’s Dad and I split up, after many years of being unhappy together; he moved out just over 2 years ago.

I’m resident parent and he has them as and when he can - rarely at weekends (about 6 in that time, although occasionally will have them 7pm Friday to 10 am Saturday..or similar). That is a whole other saga, limited relevance to this story.

I met a man just over a year ago and, completely didn’t expect it to happen, we fell in love. About 6 months in, I introduced him to my children (then almost 11 and 6.5). Youngest really likes him, oldest took against him immediately.

I know that she is going through a lot of changes and has mood swings and other feelings she can’t explain (to herself).

I also feel I have a good deal of empathy with her situation, as my mum died when I was young and I remember feeling awful when my dad started dating during my teen years. I’ve talked to her about how I felt left out, how I was worried about disloyalty to my mum etc. I’ve tried to keep reassuring her that whatever she’s feeling is ok, I will accept that and we can talk about it.

My gut feeling is that she’s fearful of losing me - I’m the most important, stable figure in her life and she’s worried about losing ‘us’. (Undoubtedly we’ve all been happier since their Dad moved out - lot more laughter and joy around the house).

I’ve done all I can to keep reassuring her how much I love her and how no one else will change that.

I’ve tried to take it slowly for her sake, over the last 7 months, but because they’re not often at their dad’s on a weekend and he only has them one night during the week, my man and I don’t get loads of time together. Which we accept. But it means he visits during the day at weekend (only one day, never both).

He doesn’t stay overnight - I’d like him to but recognise that DD isn’t ready for that (or am I giving her too much control?).

My issue is, she’s really rude to him. She understands she wouldn’t be like that to anyone else. She justifies it by saying she really hates him. She can’t explain what it is she doesn’t like about him (other than he’s a bit loud sometimes). I used to work in child protection, I’ve watched the way he is with his own and my children, he has legitimately done nothing wrong and I don’t have any concerns about him making her feel unsafe.

Her behaviour is getting me down; she’s normally such a lovely girl and we have such a great time together - and it stops whenever he’s not here - in fact, if I talk to her in her room while he’s here, she is fine.

I’ve tried talking to her; explaining that she doesn’t have to like him but can’t be rude to him; needs to respond when he talks to her etc. Tried talking about her feelings about me having a relationship (for the first 4 or 5 months, she maintained it wouldn’t matter who it was, she doesn’t want me having a boyfriend; then she said it’s because he’s a man - she doesn’t know many men - now she just ‘hates’ him). Tried explaining how he makes me happy and I didn’t think I’d meet a man who makes me as happy as my children do. I’ve also gently explained that I am an independent human and that she will be before too long and I don’t think she’d want me to be alone. She likes all of my other friends, she just won’t give him a chance (which I still kind of understand)

All my friends are out of ideas. Some say I’ve been patient and just need to carry on and make sure she doesn’t get away with being rude. Another has asked what will I do if this never gets better.

My man and I won’t be in a position to truly live together for years, he’s in a nearby city looking after his children when he can, but it would be nice to have him to stay during the week or weekends from time to time.

Any advice, suggestions gratefully received.

Any ideas gratefully received

I have what seems to be an unpopular view on here in that I think you are entitled to have an adult relationship. I think you are the adult and if as you say your boyfriend is good with your children then she needs to adjust. I think many people sacrifice their own lives for what they think is best for their kids and that’s not always the right thing.

I have two daughters who are now in their thirties, and I got together with my DH (not their Dad) when they were 3 and 1. Even though they can't remember living with anyone else they still gave him such a hard time when they hit the hormonal years.

I think you should make it clear that he's here to stay but you're always there for her, you can't do more than that. FWIW my daughters are now so appreciative of the wonderful stepfather they have (I appreciate this is different to your situation), and they put it down to hormonal changes for the truly horrible way they treated him.

Good luck with your relationship with your DP and your DD - may they find common ground soon .

No suggestions just a story from a teenage girl perspective. My mum remarried and left the country...I hated ‘him’ he would say that he could run a company but couldn’t get a young girl to talk to him. Slowly over the years I came to love and respect him. He never gave up on me, never pushed or tried too hard, took me out for lunch sometimes on my own when we had reached a point of civility. I hope this happens for your family too.
I couldn’t have told you why I hated him...just I guess that everything changed when he came along. Maybe if your partner just does his own thing and she can watch and take part if she feels like it...if he has a hobby or a dog or something they can not share but that goes on around you all and takes the pressure off

bionicnemonic put it much better than I did

I don’t have any concerns about him making her feel unsafe.

Feeling 'unsafe' for you is a child protection issue, for your DD it may well be emotional. The house was unhappy with her dad there and much happier without him, it's little wonder that she's struggling with the dynamic changing and her 'hate' for your partner could actually be fear of what it may mean (she may not recognise her emotions if one is masking the other as a way of protecting herself).

You may also find that the contact issues with her dad are a factor in the situation, if she is insecure in her relationship with her dad and/or not confident of her place in his affection then that could well be colouring her views.

I think your instincts about her fear of losing you may have merit, right now she needs to be absolutely secure in her relationship with you. I find it interesting that even if he's in the house, she's fine with you when he's not present (when you talk in her room for example) - have you considered that you may act differently when you're around him and not like 'her mum'?

My DD is nearly 10 and she is the same towards my fiancé, who I’ve been with for 8 years.
When she was younger they used to get on great but now she’s getting older they really struggle to get along when I’m not around. She will ignore him when he’s talking to her, throw tantrums when he tries to discipline her and tells him she hates him.
Her father has Made comments to her like ‘he’s not your dad, he can’t tell you what to do etc... which unfortunately has stuck with her.
I have to
Constantly remind her that he is still an adult with responsibility over her when I’m not home and she should listen & behave.
Over the years I have tried to make sure me & my DD get our time alone together so she is reassured. But she really struggles even now with sharing me.
Funny enough she has no problem with her fathers partner.
I don’t have much advice for you, but you are entitled to have adult relationships.

In a similar situation with dd2 to some extent. She loved my dp at first and for a good year-in fact it was her that suggested he move in with us. But she has recently decided she doesn't like him and that's that.
When asked,she can't say why-says that he's never done anything specific-he just annoys her by being alive!

Dd1 loves him and there has never been any incident any of us can identify that might have triggered it. (He's never been on his own with her either so there can have been noting untoward-not that that was ever a concern of mine but I know that's where some people will go).
She is now quite Impolite to him-often not even answering when he says hello. It's really uncomfortable for all of us. She is fine with me when he is around-just not with him. (Except occasionally when she sort of forgets and is her normal self).

I totally get where she is coming from-I too think she is worried on some level about losing me and our relationship. I also think there is some weirdness with her Dad and what he may or may not have said to her about it. She also feels a bit guilty I think because she liked my dp at first, whereas neither of my DD's are keen to spend time with their Dads new girlfriend.

I am trying to solve it by offering her a lot of reassurance, spending a lot of time with just her and her sister, and making sure she feels loved. DP just carries on with her as normal-he'll say hello, ask her how her day was, if she wants anything from the shop etc etc-he's recently started decorating her bedroom for her at her request and he just doesn't react to the rudeness.

We are rarely couple-y in front of them but we do occasionally all eat together if we aren't out at various hobbies or work.Dd1 chats away and dd2 sits quietly at the end or just speaks to me or her sister.

I tell her calmly and when we are on our own than she doesn't have to like anyone but she does have to be polite as a minimum, unless she has very good reason not to.
Neither dp or I want to push it further as that will alienate her more-and I'm hoping she will grow out of it.

I've also explained to her that I'm allowed friends and that it wouldn't be fair to expect me to be on my own forever and she has said she knows that and gets it.

It's very difficult and hard to know what's right. I love Dp and he makes me happy-but I will only ever be as happy as my unhappiest child to some degree.

Meant to say that dd is also 11

Thank you so much; I’m going to read these again after some sleep...sats week next week means we’re having no confrontation!!

Thank you again, it’s “nice” to know I’m not alone (although wouldn’t wish this situation on others!!)