When your mil and sil are toxic, how do you explain to your 4 year old why we don't see them.

[Sunshineyday27]

Short version...
My mil is basically a narcissist and so is my sil. They never make an effort with my beautiful son and can when we do see them they can never seem to fake being nice for more than an hour. Then they both look drained at having had to make so much effort.

My husband has a sister who is the golden child and he is the one that's treated as second best. Eg at his fathers funeral he said a lovely speech. His mother turns to him after and says "Well you mumbled your way through that didn't you". When I was out for dinner with her months ago my three year old had just started drawing on the table in the restaurant. She turned to him and said "I don't care what your Mummy and Daddy say, you listen to me and stop that right now". When he was a baby she left him on her front lawn in his pram whilst she went upstairs to the toilet. We just got back in time to witness this. I was horrified.

Basically without giving loads of examples she is always putting my husband down (which he is used to I think) and I am not happy at the way she speaks or treats my son. Ive tried challenging her behaviour but I was yelled at because I did not agree with her. She does not babysit for us because my gut feeling tells me not to trust this woman because I have proof she lies about things too.

So my problem is how do you explain to a child why they never see his other grandma- my husbands mum. I am terrified she is going to tell him one day "Mummy didn't let you see me but I really wanted to" etc etc and turn him against me.

My husbands has a 15 year old daughter who doesn't live with us and has now stopped being in touch with my husband. My mil makes a point of making sure that she announces that her granddaughter doesn't have any problem with her... they have sleep overs... takeout together etc and this is all in earshot of my son.

Any advice apart from avoid her like the plague?!?!

Thanks so much for reading xxx

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I agree with your MIL on the crayons.

Plus the 15yo not seeing her dad but still seeing her nan is odd. Why does she not see him?

The incident with the pram is something that wouldn't be seen as a big deal by the older generation. I'm in my 40s and when I was a kid prams were massive and were often left outside shops (with baby inside).

What does your DH think about it all?

*wouldn't neceassarily be seen as a big deal

Were you just letting them draw on the table?
I’d be fine with the pram thing if they were strapped in and she was only a couple of minutes.

Is your H low or no contact with his mother and sister? What contact have you agreed your DC will have with them - none or limited (eg supervised)? Just tell them an age appropriate version of the truth “mummy and daddy don’t like some things nana/aunt Sarah have said and done to daddy, so we don’t see them very much”.

What is your H doing to resolve the problems in his relationship with his DD?

Similar problem here. MIL is nasty and compulsive liar. Can’t be trusted.

When DD was little we just told her MIL wasn’t very nice to Daddy so we didn’t want to spend time with someone who wasn’t nice. She accepted this without question.

Now DD is older we tell her the truth and she understands that behaviour like that is t tolerated. I think it’s good to set an example that says, even family don’t get to mistreat you.

*isnt tolerated

The pram on the front lawn - it’s a generation behaviour, my mum used to do it with me and my brother, she doesn’t know any different.

My own mother is a narcissist do much of what you write resonates. You will never change them or you can’t control how they behave, you can only control your own actions.

I personally deal with my own mum by having only short sharp visits. If it’s more than a few hours I can feel myself getting stressed and defensive.

My advice would be short visits. Don’t argue with her (you will never win, naraccists are high on control and never wrong). Let the small stuff go. Personally I think the grandchildren are their next victims so you need to protect your child.

Good luck, it’s not easy.

I'm not sure you need to explain anything to be honest. Is he asking to see them? Ds(5) sees my family less frequently than his dads but doesn't question it and if he did I'd just say they're a bit busy or we'll see them soon. This sounds suspiciously like there are two sides to the story. They look drained after an hour with your ds, is he a handful? Drawing on the table... yes fine because he shouldn't have been, leaving outside, I wouldn't like it but it is a generation thing and not deliberately malicious. Putting any of you down though is not ok so if you feel the need to see them infrequently or keep visits short then go ahead. Just don't attempt to turn a four year old against them because you're cross. He'll make up his own mind as he gets older.