I feel like a really crap mum...

[MilkyCoffeeAndSkinnySyrup]

I don't feel like I ever do a good job with my 18m old DS. I love him so much, but I am such a lazy good for nothing person that I can't even find the effort to engage or stimulate him!

These are my issues, and I am sorry if they sound awful but I will take any judgment and criticism from anyone because it's what I deserve:

1) I don't know what is wrong with me and my stupid head. I am a very impatient person, so if I take him out and he plays up slightly then I end up taking him back home again because I can't be doing with dealing with his shitty tantrums.

2) I go on my phone most of the time. What a horrible cow I am! I should be doing more important things to do like spending time with him or keeping the house tidy. I mainly browsing Daily Mail as I don't use social media, but I shouldn't be doing that. I should be spending time with him and engaging with him but I just haven't got the motivation to do it. It's an automatic response to pick up my phone and start using it...

3) I lack motivation and the thought of doing something for the day really puts me off because I just want to stay in bed all day and relax

4) some days, the only thing I look forward to is when it's bedtime for my DS. when he is asleep, that's when the guilt hits me. I sometimes go into his room, pick him up while he is asleep and just cuddle him because my heart really hurts knowing that another day has gone by and I've not given him any deserved attention he so desperately needs.

I can't keep living like this. I am going to see my doctor next week in regards to my moods, tiredness and irritability as I am constantly moody, I am always tired and I just get annoyed and angry at every little thing! I don't know whether it's depression. But every day is the same old shit. I really just want some energy to be able to do things :( and thinking of changing my phone so I can stay off the thing because it's taking over my life!

I think I'm just feeling really down about everything. I am feeling really lonely as well. I know I have a DH but I still feel lonely. He goes out with his friends after work but I can't because I have to work in the mornings. I talk to my friend but she's childless so she can go out and enjoy her life but I'm just stuck at home, doing the same old thing.

OP

Having a little one that age is tough, it's a tough age! Very frustrating for them. Do you mind me asking how long you have been feeling like this for? Is it since he was a baby or since the toddler years?

My first bit of advice would have been to go see your GP and book a blood test, so glad you're doing that. I had one recently and I have very low iron and vitamin D, which explains my lack of get up and go.

Secondly, don't feel guilty about not being absolutely thrilled to be singing nursery rhymes for half an hour or whatever else he likes to do. You are not a bad person for not having the same interests as an 18 month old! Play gets much cuter in a few months and much easier to engage with from the side lines. That's another thing - please read up on how good it is for them to have independent play. Do not feel guilty for letting him play by himself sometimes, and try not to jump immediately to his attention if he has a problem (unless he's in danger obvs).

One thing I can say from personal experience though, is turn the phone off. I also went through a blip when my DD was around that age; I was pregnant and ill and I felt terrible because I felt like all I did was stick the TV on for her and give her lots of toys and books and snacks. Even that isn't the end of the world but you do want to get them up and out, for both your sakes. I was miserable with myself for not engaging with her, but once I put the tech down and kept it out of access, everything else falls into place. Smart phone browsing is a massive time suck and if you're anything like me, you get into a weird addictive loop of doing it rather than do "proper" things, while at the same time feeling really guilty and also sluggish because you're just sitting on your humps all day.

Okay, the thing about taking him home, I would try and avoid that. People know that children have tantrums, especially at that age, no one is going to judge you and if they are, so what? I know it can be upsetting when you are preoccupied with what other people might think, but it's so not worth it. Also try, now the weather is better, just sticking to easy, outdoor places like the local park or even just a walk in a nice area. It is so cathartic to get out and about and it will gives you lots to talk about and just engage him with.

With the motivation, first off again see the GP as you are doing, but then if there is nothing else going on, you need routine and structure. It doesn't have to be hard, just setting a time to be washed and dressed by and having a goal to do one small thing, like put a wash on or get to the park. Do you have a local children's centre? They are genuinely useful because they run free activities, all the people there will be mums in a similar situation with similar age children, and you don't have to clean up after or anything because it's not in your own home!

Lastly, it is completely normal to look forward to bed time. You do not become a robotic version of yourself without your own wants and needs once you become a mother. Please give yourself some credit and a break, you are not a terrible mum, you are stuck in a bit of a rut and it is completely normal and understandable .

P.s how is your partner with parenting and household stuff? Does he help you pick up the sack?

I mean, pick up the slack of course, not sack

Oh my goodness, just want to say thank you so much for your kind and polite response! I honestly do appreciate it!

I’ve actually started to feel like this since he’s hit 1 year old. Before that, he was a brilliant baby he was a good sleeper, really calm and the best way to describe it, is that he was literally an angel haha!

That’s exactly what I am doing. I would usually cancel it but I’m not going to because I do need to get to the bottom of why I am feeling the way I’m feeling. It’s not fair on the family and the home is getting neglected :( never thought of Vit D deficiency! Then again, this bank holiday weekend is probably the only sun we are going to have all year :(

I have tried to play with him, interact and engage with him but I think I do get you about independent play. He does play on his own independently I always let him play with the pots and pans as he enjoys that, but it’s just the constant whinging that he is doing in between everything else even though he’s eaten and drank enough. Food and drink is always there for him whenever he wants it as well so I know he won’t have to struggle to ask whether he wants it or not.

I’ve done so much better without being on my phone. I left it in the bedroom on silent and just left it there until household chores got done, he was in bed and then I settle down to watch Netflix or YouTube which is usually my down time anyway! I agree about feeling sluggish I do need to start becoming more active and feeling more energetic but will have to see what the blood tests say first before I go ahead with any of that.

Yesterday he did come out with me and he threw a massive tantrum but I didn’t go home I just let him get on with it. People stared but honestly I had so much stuff to do I didn’t have time to take him back home again and wait a few days later to go out. Whatever I had to get done, had to be done yesterday! He was in a really grumpy mood :(

My partner is amazing with helping out. He does very well but he has a condition that makes him tired easily so I try and not let him take the responsibility because it will just fatigue him even more. I just hope it does get better! Feeling a bit blue :( thank you again x

You're not a crap Mum. To be honest I'm the same and I feel really guilty about it. It all started when I went back to work and I'm just so tired all the time.
I'm going to take the advice above and turn my phone off.
My daughter is a couple of months older and the play really is getting easier and more fun.

You are not alone. Looking after a toddler is both stupidly demanding and incredibly boring at the same time.

Are there any toddler groups/classes/activities in your area? Although it can be daunting at first, it's well worth it to even just have some casual chat with other parents, and vent a little bit.

I have been impatient with my 3-year-old all day, and he is currently watching TV - his second session today. I always thought I'd be a no-TV kind of mum, but hey ho.