What do you do if you and your dh/dp have differing opinions and methods of discipline?

[oliveoil]

Dd1 is very sensitive and I am (or try to be!) patient with her, and explain things and take things slowly. She can be a complete pain and seem a whinger but I think this is all down to her temperament and that she is just aware of things iyswim and gets overloaded.

Dd2 is a complete whirlwind and also can be a complete pain, but she is 2 (3 in August) and I find the best way to deal with her tantrums - and they are many and foul - is to keep CALM and say "well I love you" when she says she hates me and go away etc. She eventually calms down (after the longest 20 mins ever) and we have a cuddle.

Well dh disagrees with both of the above

He thunders about saying "oh fgs dd1, it's only a scratch (if she has banged her knee), toughen up". Or is generally a bit stricter.

And with dd2 he says to just put her in her room to cry it out. But it doesn't work!

Last night was dreadful, both of them moaning as soon as they walked in the door, all of us tired (I had been working) so I left him downstairs making dinner and I did the bath/bedtimes etc. He crashed around in the kitchen mopping the floor and was genearlly a moody arse! LOL. But that may have been because he was annoyed with me correcting his methods all the time.

He is a great Dad but I feel like I am always telling him he is doing things wrong all the time.

So if you have got this far in my waffle, do you have differing methods and what do you do?

Does it matter or confuse them if each parent is different? Do you need to be on the same page as it were?

xx

I'm a massive fan of consistency
Otherwise they'll probably play you off against each other ('well daddy says...')
And it's got to be confusing to them, hasn't it?
IMO you need to have an agreed policy so you don't undermine each other
Maybe do an experiement, try his approach solidly for 10 days, then yours
Or can you see a middle ground?

I agree that there should be some consistency. And they get sad when he shouts . Which isn't that often tbh but with dd1 being sensitive, I get annoyed with him making her feel worse.

He isn't very patient so not sure on middle ground.

He says I pander to them too much and they will end up spoilt

Now he may be right... I don't know.

i used the control crying methods on dd (2.6) when she was 6 months and dp was dead against it as he hated hearing her cry. but a week later with dd sleeping from 8pm through to 8am, he realised it was a good method and he insisted doing it with ds (10 months) and he now has a very good sleep pattern.

we always tell eachother how we think we should manage things so that one doesnt feel undermined.

Maybe he could endeavour not to shout if you promise to pay them slightly less attention when they're being, ahem, problematic? (Ie, the Tanya Byron trick about ignoring the behaviour you don't like, and bigging up the positive stuff?)
It is much easier/less stressful for you as parents if you have some backup when it's all going t*ts up...

so for eg with a tantrum, what do you do?

I used to put her in her cot but she would screech for ages and get very angry

I find that if I sit in the same room and leave her to it, she eventually stops and walks over for a hug

We did have a discussion last night but agreed to disagree (!) which doesn't help really

There are always differences in a opinion between a married couple whether its about bringing up children or finance or anything else. Being married is about compromise.

Sometimes its best to let husbands/ partners have some say and even make mistakes. None of us are perfect parents. There have been times when I have been wrong and my husband has been right and vice a versa.

Its important that parents present a team to their children. If parents are divided then the children do conquer.

Well, OO, that sounds sensible to me, you're ignoring it, right?
Although the noise is probably a bit wearing, is that what drives him ape?
What happens if you give her a chance not to tantrum, by saying, 'If you don't stop makign this awful noise I'm going to have to put you in your room for a few mins?'
Then if you have to put her in the room, you wait for 2 mins, and then open the door and say, 'Are you finished, do you want a cuddle?'
So you give her the choice of snapping out of it herself, it's her decision.
If she's not ready, try again in a minute or two
I think this may be Dr Tanya's approach...

yes, it is the noise

and the noise upsets dd1 (she is v sensitive to noise ie lorries, music, sirens)

so maybe he could be right re putting her in her room do you think?

... but you wouldn't be leaving her to 'cry it out'
just put her in her room for a minute per year of her life
And ask her if she's ready to come out, and if she is, tell her well done and give her a big cuddle
IMHO

and does it work? because up to now it just increases the crying and lengthens the strop

can you become more patient do you think if you are genearlly a shouter?

Yes, but he'll have to work on it. It helps if you remember that shouting, ie losing it with DCs, proves you have lost control.
Withdrawing a little, not reacting to a provocation, can actually be more effective, as you're denying them attention which, perhaps, they rather enjoy (even if it's the sight of you, puce, with bulging eyes). And you don't hate yourself afterwards
IMHO
Re the room thing (or naughty step or whatever): well, it works for Dr Tanya and it worked for me...
I think it's good, if your buttons are being pushed, to get the button-pusher out of your space. Which is one half of the whole time-out idea. So you get a chance to collect yourself.

We regularly disagree on things (more so in the early days). I agree that consistentcy is ideal, but in all honesty find it very hard to achieve. IMO openly disagreeing or contradicting your partners stance in front of the kids is the very worst thing though. Sometimes if I feel dh has been unnessecesarily harsh (or vice versa) its usually because he is particularly tired etc, so I might step in and remove / destract the offending child.
Re tantrums, I try to take the tantrumer away (ie to bedroom) as an audience def makes matters worse but stay with her.
I agree with bakedpot that family life is all rough and tumble and never perfect.

hmmm.... think you need to talk it out soemtime - not in heat of moment obv, but when youre both calm.

possible that he would be more like you than he is (about dealing with her) but he may feel that you go too far and hes (unconciously?) trying to compensate??

i think dp is far too inconsistent really. and deals wih tempers badly as he 'cant cope' with hearing them cry or whinge... and i have caught myself over compensating for (what i percieve to be) his inadequacies!

do you talk honstly about what your aims and belifsare in chldrearing, and discuss the ways you think you are trying to achieve them? maybe ou are not vfar apart in aims, ultimate and fundamental desires, and with discussion can get closer in technique...

Also, just had another thought.
I read somewhere that men tend to play differently and parent differently to women (men=rough and tumble and firm discipline, women=sit down focussed play and comfort and cuddles) thats the benefit of having 2 parents, so you get a mix. Also thats why boys and girls benefit fromspending time with each parent (we keep falling into the trap of DH has DS and I have DD).
Right. Must go and wash up now!

I agree NG but sometimes you have to agree to disagree otherwise you risk showing your kids constant conflict. Or one parent (usually the dad) feels discouraged and spends less time with his kids.
Although parenting techniques are helpful, there is never just one way to do it. Having a happy home is also important.
I'm sure your home is very happy OO, I was referring to mine.

DH and I have differing ideas in discipline at times, I think he's harder on DS, but DS will have to deal with people being different from each other to him all his life and I don't see it as a bad thing.

I will never undermine DH even if I think he is being too harsh and I never tell him he's doing it "wrong". I mean I would if it was really wrong, but I just don't think smaller things are that much of an issue. Like DH may warn DS (3) once that he's going on the step if he does x again then he does it and he's on the step, whereas I will ask him to stop, if that doesn't work I will warn, then he's allowed a one last one as often DS will have to get that one last naughty thing in as a defiance then stop. If he doesn't stop then it's the step. I see my way as the better one, but I don't tell DH and make him feel like he's "wrong", and in life DS will have to deal with people who are tougher than me and it's good practice.

Thanks everyone

It is generally a happy home but I SEETH sometimes and think go away and let me deal with it

whihc is pointless as then I complain that I have to do everything

naughty step/time out didn't work with dd1 (she was distraught) so maybe that is why I think it will not work for dd2. Will be able to practice later no doubt

I am going to stick to my guns on dd1, I do think my way is best - I have been reading a book and just nod in recognistion throughout - so I think I will get him round to my way of thinking for her and let him think he is right with dd2 and compromise a bit

ive otten dp to agree to go to 'parenting workshop' type claaes with me! along the lines of this place need to find one closer to home though...

could that maybe help? it gives you both a starting place at least for discussing issues that arise in parenting...

oh good god no

there is no way on earth I am going on a course!!

thank you but no

I have only just got into books (and they annoy me)

x

(have just looked at your profile, your children are yummy)

lol

yes, i have yet to finish a single one of those books... even the ones i think are Really Useful

shucks, thanks

er, and am with you on the occasional seething btw. just so you know, youre not alone

hi,

pretty much as per some of the other posters say, the only really important thing is to make sure you dont undermine each other in front of the DC's - other than that, having different methods (as long as the gulf isn't too extreme) generally isn't a problem.

See if you can get DP to compromise on specific bits of behaviour (i.e. the ones that irk you most), and be prepared to give ground on the bits that irk you least (if you can get away with that).

(as you say - you can't be "right" all the time - otherwise you end up being the one doign everythign!)