No Mum friends

[Rach1311]

Hello, I have two lovely boys aged almost 4 years and 8 weeks. With my first I had a terrible birth and was poorly for 3 months afterwards. I was basically stuck at home and didn’t go to any groups. I tried to join a couple of different playgroups after this, but found myself sat on my own or playing with him by myself. When he turned 3 I started a swimming class and met a good friend there, however she started to cancel all play dates and eventually we lost contact.
I’ve recently had my second and had a brilliant birth this time around and have felt great, so I’m already participating in a few groups. I go to baby massage, a breastfeeding group, a music class and am starting swimming again with both boys in a couple of weeks. However, whilst there are a couple of friendly mums I chat to, I don’t see it extending past the group. I take the kids to soft play on my own, go for a coffee in town on my own etc all while surrounded by groups of mums. I feel really lonely and not sure how I can make it better. Does anyone else feel like this

Making friends is just horrible isn't it? It's hard work and I hated doing it. If there is a group or groups that you quite like I would try and stick at them regularly if you can and then unfortunately you do just need to be brave and put yourself out there by asking to meet up outside of the group. I tend to see if I can speak to the same Mum(s) a few weeks in a row, and be friendly asking if they will be there next week. And then ask if they would like to meet for a coffee/go to softplay/go to the park with me. I usually use the children to help 'oh DS and your DC seem to really get along, we should try and go to the park together!' Hopefully this will then lead somewhere. But I know it's hard. And I hated doing it. But it's so worth it.

It has taken me several years to make some nice mum friends. I met most of them through mummysocial website or an app called MUSH. It kind of feels like dating for mums but I have now made a lovely little group of mum friends

I was exactly like you OP until my DS turned 6 months. I had a good birth and recovered well, started getting out to as many things as I could because I didn't know anyone else with a baby. I went to a group nearly every day, similar sorts of things to you, and I made conversation with people but it never extended beyond that. There were little groups of mum friends who would make polite conversation with me, then afterwards they'd go off for coffee together and I'd go home.

It was a real drag to turn up to the groups week after week and then all of a sudden I clicked with a mum at a group I already went to and she had a couple of other friends she introduced me to. We all arranged to go for a walk the next day and since then I've seen them 3 or 4 times a week!

Keep at it OP, I agree it's rubbish and a bit soul destroying but it just takes being in the right place at the right time to meet a new friend. The mums I met are going back to work soon (I'm not) and whilst I know we'll stay in touch it obviously won't be so frequent, so I'm about to start all over again!

If you have friends already I don't see why you need "Mum friends". Seems to be a thing these days. Perhaps people imagine these glossy yummy mummys swapping kale recipes over coffee. OK perhaps not quite like that but regardless it's not for everyone.

Your children are getting out and about to these activities which is great. I did all that when ours were little. Didn't occur to me to try to meet friends there. I had friends already. I just passed the time while there with mundane chit chat - and sometimes I didn't even do that - but I certainly didn't feel the need to forge a bond with anyone.

Besides, there was a tendency to talk about children too much. Teething, weaning, tales of weetabix in hair. Oh goodness, no thank you.

Sorry if this insensitive and you are genuinely lonely. If that's the case keep trying. Keep getting yourself out there. When they go to school you may find you get closer to the parents of your children's closest friends. You have many years ahead to form a friendship.

But if you aren't lonely but feel like you should have mum friends then I'd take the pressure off and remind yourself that not everyone has or wants them. It really isn't essential. Tbh a little 'mummy coffee gang' sounds like a nightmare to me and I avoid like the plague but maybe I'm just an odd being.

Invite them to meet for coffee or a trip to the park on a sunny day.

It’s never going to extend beyond chatting at a baby group if someone doesn’t make the first move to meet up outside that context.

It is scary though, I always feel it’s a bit like dating.

Sorry- I missed LilyBugs excellent advice.

I agree with Damson

Most of the time, I prefer hanging out with my non mum friends. Less baby talk, usually way more drinking lol

Don't worry. You're doing all the right things. Keep doing what you're doing. You'll find once your eldest starts school it becomes a bit more sociable, especially if you are doing the school run regularly.

If you are going to an organised activity, say swimming or massage, when it is ending ask if anyone fancies getting a coffee/lunch afterwards.
I did this at ds’s swimming class and made a couple of mum friends that I’m still friends with now nearly 4 years later. And because one of those friends is very sociable and chatty (more so than me), she has picked a couple more mums along the way.

I really had to force myself to do it as I’m painfully shy, but it’s worth it, this group has been a lifeline to me throughout the early years.

If you have friends already I don't see why you need "Mum friends". Seems to be a thing these days.

^I disagree. Non mum friends don’t understand parenthood as well

Second the suggestion above for Mush, it’s great, particularly because I think unlike groups, where not everybody will actually be interested in making more friends if they’ve got their own solid group already, on Mush everyone’s there with the same agenda - to actually meet people in the same boat. But I also agree that it’s really hard and please don’t feel like you’re the only one, there’s lots of us in the same boat who would love someone like you inviting us for a coffee!!

Apologies for the apparent obsession with boats ⛵️⛵️⛵️

For me it’s not just having mum fiends for me, it’s making friends for ds as well.

I have 2 days off during the week with ds, and now we don’t really do much in the way of groups any more, we do meet friends in the park/each other’s houses/for lunch etc so it’s nice for me to have someone to chat to, and ds to have someone to play with rather than just the 2 of us staring at each other’s mugs all day!

I actually find making friends harder than dating. I’ve found you really need to put yourself out there. Smile a lot. Chat to everyone, invite people out. I reached out on a local mums Facebook group and met a couple of mums there. It doesn’t always work though. A local mum I have met a couple of times shared a few posts on FB about being lonely etc so I invited her to meet up and she didn’t reply. I decided not to get offended by that and move on as she obviously had her reasons.

Thanks everyone. I don’t have many ‘non mum friends’ either unfortunately. I have my best friend who I’ve had since school but she lives an hour away and works 9-5, no kids and she has an exceptional social life so it’s hard to meet up a lot of the time. Apart from that I’ve lost a few good friends along the way, so my life is literally my partner and sons. My son goes to nursery twice a week and has a lot of friends so I’m not worried about him socialising (definitely more me ha)
He starts school in September and I’m already worried about the school playground. It’s a tiny village school in the next village up from where we live of about 50 pupils reception to year 6 so I’m worried that all tje mums will already know each other.
Although I’m shy I can partake in conversations and ask questions but I’m terms of making the first move I would never ask someone to go for coffee/soft play , I just don’t have the confidence. I will download the mush app and give that a go too :)

@greendale17

Fair enough. I found most of my friends had a good enough understanding that it caused no issues but more than that I don't think I needed my friends to have an understanding of parenthood. Wasn't an issue.

I certainly didn't feel I was missing anything with the friends I had. Didn't feel the need to make more at the kids' activities. I saw them primarily as their thing (that I endured at times ).

And like OP I don't have many. Just a select few and my family. How I like it.

If people feel they need mum friends keep plugging away - as I said I think it gets easier when they get to school and form solid friendships - but just putting another side that says that actually it's not an essential part of parenthood and not everyone feels the need so maybe they could take the pressure off themselves. Diff'rent strokes and all that I suppose.

I have four kids and don't really have any mum friends. I would have liked some as I lost touch with a lot of my old friends as they were all about going out partying and drinking.
I think it's hard because people with children are always so busy and family life takes priority.
I think with one or two it would be possible to do playdates and stuff, but with four, (three under 5) and a 9 year old it's difficult. I'm spread thin and the whole day is taken up with nursery and school drop offs.
I've tried Mush, but got no replies. Peanut is a good app for chat, but not met up with anyone off there and not sure I would. Sometimes I'd just like someone to text or chat to as when my partner is at work I tend to feel a bit isolated, but I don't have time for playdates.

Hi there , if your baby is 8 weeks then you can only have been doing groups etc for 6ish? Apologies if I'm wrong! My baby is 8 months and I found it took 4ish months or so to move beyond just meeting at groups /classes to suggesting other meet ups. Keep going op!!

I agree it is nice to have Mum friends who are off during the week with you if you’re on mat leave or a sahm. I only have one friend with similar age kids and I’m grateful for that but would definitely like more. Friends without kids don’t necessarily want to spend weekends with your kids and are at work during the week.

Know what you mean about sitting there on your own and playing with your kid! I think I should have been more outgoing but people are really u friendly around here. My youngest is 14 months now so I’ve just accepted it as I’m not going to any groups now I’m back at work. But it still is crap so I encourage you to make the first move! I wish I had.

OP rather than asking for coffee/softplay etc then how about suggesting you go to another group together? Maybe along the lines of 'oh I saw this group/I've been to this group that is really good, maybe we could try it together so we both know someone?' Then you'll be at a directed activity and the pressure is less to get on just the two of you. I know it's really hard to put yourself out there but if you are feeling lonely then you should try to do something about it, rather than just expect others to make the first move. Maybe they are feeling the same as you?

I found that I’m making Mum friends through school. You’ll chat to the people your child is friends with or in the class with. It can take a while, I don’t find it easy.