Maternity leave and nursery

[OneForTheRoadThen]

I'm currently on maternity leave as I have a 3 week old, I also have a 23 month old son who goes to nursery 2 days a week and has done since he was 12 months old.

When I was pregnant we saved up to enable us to afford to keep sending DS to nursery while I was on maternity leave as we thought it would be better for him to have continuity and it would also allow me some time alone with the baby. He has always lived nursery so we thought this was the best decision.

However, when he was in the baby room he had one key worker who he loved and she was a consistent presence however he moved up to the toddler room in January and is now on his third key worker due to staff leaving. That, and his new sister, seem to have really unsettled him and he cries on drop off at nursery and spends a couple of hours sitting by his peg, holding his coat and he won't be coaxed away. This really upsets me.

I'm after some advice as I know it's still early days but I wondered which, if any, you'd do?

A. Keep him at nursery as he is

B. Keep him at home with me. Tbh we could do with the money but it's not desperate.

C. Look into alternative childcare.

I'm generally happy with the nursery but it's the high staff turnover that concerns me. I need to make a decision about reserving a place for the baby soon which is why considering an alternative nursery or a childminder is on my mind.

Can you speak to the manager about your concerns?

Do you plan to go back to work after mat leave? Other nurseries and childminders can have long waiting lists. If not, maybe a pre-school?

Thanks for your reply. I will be going back to work for 3 days a week after 9 months mat leave. I have thought about a pre school but I think it might be too difficult to manage dropping both children at different places so I think I will have to stick with either a nursery or a childminder. I'm just loathe to move DS unless it really is for the best but I'm not sure what is for the best!

I'm not sure what to say to the manager but it's a good idea to discuss my concerns. I'll try and think of how to word it.

I

He spends a couple of HOURS sitting by his peg? Is that right?

I would pull him out for now and keep him at home. I don’t really understand this thing about 1:1 time with new babe. I had a 23m age gap and had plenty of time to snuggle babe when DS went to bed or napped etc. I was constantly told DD needed 1:1 time and DS needed preschool but I totally disagree. For some families, yes, I’m sure this works. But it wasn’t for us. DS started 1 morning of preschool a week when DD was 6m because he asked because he had heard kids talking about it at toddler grp. If he hated it I would have stopped it at that age.

You can always try a preschool or childminder or even go back to the same nursery after a little break to give him some reassurance and time at home to adjust. His little world has just been turned upside down and he may just need to be at home with mummy for a little while.

He should not be sitting by his peg for a few hours. Poor lad. Nursery need to help a bit more - have they suggested anything?

Given he has had quite a lot of change, I'd stick with it. Speak to the nursery about his key worker, but I think the routine will eventually be helpful.

My DS struggled when his sibling arrived, really really struggled. It was hard for me too, to see it all. It picked up when his brother was about 3 months old. But the early days were really hard for him.

We noticed a real difference when we didn't really do anything at home, we stopped bombarding him with treats and making things special for him in an attempt to feel loved. We just sat together, quietly and pottered around. It sort of gave him time to take it in, which I think he desperately needed.

I am planning to do exactly as you have when DC2 arrives in a few months. I think I’d chat to manager in the first instance. Two hours is an awfully long time to be unsettled. How is he in himself when not at nursery?

If he’s otherwise ok and
Nursery is only issue I’d probably pull him out for now, assuming you can manage. His routine has been distrusted anyway so having a break from childcare won’t make a difference now.

Disrupted even!

I'd keep him at home with me. My DS loves nursery but if he didn't I'd take him out, especially if he was waiting by his coat for hours. Give him some time at home as a family and then choose a new nursery for both children together

Thanks for your replies. Yes he does sit by his peg for hours. He doesn't cry after he's been dropped off but he does sit by his peg upset until snack time. His key worker told DH last week and we've been discussing options since.

I will ask them to help with the disruption as they should have experience of this I guess. He is his normal happy self outside of nursery so I wonder if he feels left out. He has stopped going up to bed too and falls asleep with us all on the sofa so l do think he has the fear of being left out.

I'm just loathe to remove him as I will need childcare in 9 months anyway as not returning to work isn't an option. Plus they do exciting activities that I don't do at home.

This is what I'm planning to do with my dd when new baby arrives. However if she was as upset as your ds I think I'd pull her out for a couple of weeks and forego the money to ensure her place was kept. Settle her down at home with new sibling then try easing her back into nursery

I like beansprout’s suggestion, that makes a lot of sense.

My toddler DS goes to nursery 2 mornings a week even though I’m a sahm. It saves my sanity. He was 2.3 when DD was born and there was no way I was giving up that time! It wasn’t really for 1:1 time with DD, it’s the only chance I get to catch up on housework/sleep/go to appointments/meet friends for coffee without a toddler rampaging about. Of course my DS seems to genuinely love it (doesn’t want to leave when I go to pick him up) and it makes me feel less guilty if we just stay in on the afternoon as he’s had a good morning out at nursery.

I would not be happy at all about him sitting by his coat for HOURS though. 10 -20 min maybe, but that is not on at all. However if you’ve previously been happy with the nursery and want to use them when you back to work then I’d persevere for a bit. Perhaps he just needs to warm up to his new worker. Or like someone suggested, keep him home for a week or 2 and then try again? Or can he just go for a few hours? DS was quite jealous of the new baby and was adamant that DD was NOT coming to nursery with him as she came everywhere else with him too. Maybe get them to call you if he hasn’t settled in after half an hour and you can go pick him up?