I think I might have PND

[Starlive22]

Just that really, I think I might be suffering with PND. As a bit of background I had miscarriages before having my baby (she is 7 weeks Monday) she is my first child. I had a horrible pregnancy, really complicated and under consultant led care.

Basically I'm not sure I'm coping very well. I'm so scared of SIDS it's taking up almost my every waking minute. I've got an angel care monitor and a snuza monitor and use both at night and although they help I still worry uncontrollably. I've booked myself onto a baby first aid course next week but even that can't come soon enough. I just want her to be a year old.

I mentioned this to the health visitor but she said it's normal to worry.

I follow all the safe sleep advice (with the exception of BF, I had to go back on medication after my pregnancy so that would have interfered) but feel like I'm cracking up.

Some days I feel a little better but it's like I'm just thinking of the worst all the time, and if I'm honest, this feeling started in my pregnancy. I thought it would get better when she was born and I could actually physically see her, and it has, but the worry and dread is still quite prevalent.

Is this normal? If not what can I do?
Thanks in advance for any advice or experience. I've spent the morning in tears because my mum has a cold and she came round yesterday and I've read colds can increase SIDS. I know I'm trying to control the uncontrollable, I just can't let go of the absolute uncontrollable fear.

Also even if no advice I just wonder if anyone is feeling the same or has felt the same and come through the other side. I just want to know if this is normal

I worry at night too always checking him although I have the angel care monitor as well. Irs definitely normal too worry as parent. I haven’t taken a first aid course or anything like that though. It’s good you have spoken to your HV about it maybe speak to her again

It's a horrible feeling, isn't it? You're faced with looking after a baby you love more than anything but you're still not fit from the birth and it seems a huge task just to keep her alive.

I think it would be a really good idea for you to see your GP and talk honestly about how you feel.

Please don't worry about your mum causing a problem for your daughter. Ask her not to come round unless she's feeling well, but at the same time don't think this will cause SID. It won't.

The doctor should give you something for your anxiety that will help you. Do you have a partner at home?

Hello Starlive
It is normal to worry about your new baby, especially your first, and be over-protective and extra careful.
It is not normal to worry "uncontrollably" or feel like you are "cracking up" or spend the whole morning crying. When it gets to that stage, it's time to pop along to the GP or HV and explain how you feel, and see if they can help eg. putting you in touch with talking therapies.
Are you managing the basics- reasonable diet (not skipping meals), some sleep, a little exercise (even just a walk in the sunshine)? If you are missing these it won't help your anxiety levels - I speak from experience

Thank you for replies yes have a
Wonderful husband but he's a lot more chilled out than I am and always has been. Which is good of course but it means my anxiety lives mainly in my head. I was so bad while I was pregnant, I even saw a counsellor which didn't really help.

My GP failed to spot a quite serious medical condition in me while I was pregnant so I have lost a little faith in her. I also don't want to go and bear my soul and tell her all only to be told it's baby blues like HV said and it's normal, surely this level of worry is not normal?

I always think of thinks like 'if' she makes it to this age and this age not 'when'. I honestly think it's followed on from such s traumatic pregnancy but don't know how to stop it.

I love my baby so much and she was so so very wanted, I went through hell to get her here and now it's like I spend all my time worrying instead of enjoying my new baby.

I do have up and down days and today seems to be a particularly bad day. I just don't recognise myself any more. I'm like a shell of my old self. I don't do anything at all I used to love, Ive literally never let my baby out of my care since she was born, not even with her dad, who is a great dad.

I feel like I'm so consumed with worry I am becoming a different person

@domesticslattern hello, thank you for response. Yes managing the basics really well, in fact I feel like I'm terms of keeping house tidy, baby fed etc I'm doing better than expected, although I'm a bit worried I might be a little over the top with how often i disinfect the house, but it makes me feel better, and it never harmed anyone to be too clean. If anything it's probably the only thing that makes me feel slightly better, knowing the house is clean and as germ free as I can get it. It's the only bit of control I feel I have.

@Starlive22 I could have literally written your post after having dc1. I had a late miscarriage before dc1 and that along with a consultant led stressful pregnancy and my baby needing emergency surgery at a couple of weeks old was enough to drive me over the edge with my anxiety. Mine was definitely bad before dc arrived when I was pregnant but ten times worse once dc was here.

I was like you too, very much thinking "if" we get to this stage. I was terrified even going for a walk staring at every car, wondering if they were going to crash into my pram. It's really horrible feeling like that and I definitely think mine was outside the realms of "normal". I didn't see my gp either but in hindsight I wish I did because I spent most of the 1st year feeling like it until I went to see a therapist privately.

I'd had counselling before and to be honest I didn't feel any benefit (and her voice annoyed me ) but I went to see a different one and I really did find it helped me considerably. She helped me to rationalise my anxiety and teach myself to have a different approach to it. It's not for everyone and definitely not a quick fix. Have you considered trying someone else? My DH is also very relaxed and I too felt like he didn't "get" it, no matter how hard he tried!!

I was the same about baby not being out of my sight. The therapist suggested I let my DH take baby out on a walk for 30 minutes and see how I felt about it. At first I thought she was crazy trying to make me more stressed out than I was already! But he did and at first I was freaking out a little bit, but after a couple of times I really felt fine about it and even started to use that time to do stuff for myself that I would do pre baby. It had a knock on effect towards other fears that I had and generally started to make me feel more myself again.

Also could you see another gp?

Hope you start to feel more like yourself again op

@freddomonster thank you so much for your reply, everything you said sounds very very familiar. So glad to hear you eventually managed to get a handle on things, proof that it can be done. I think when you have had problems before or during pregnancy it can amplify the feelings of being out of control, it certainly has for me.

Maybe I should give my GP a try after all, I don't suppose it can hurt. I just want to get a handle on the frightening intrusive thoughts that go through my mind. The night time is the worst but all day I feel anxiety.

Sometimes I get up in the night and count the hours until I've safely made it through another night. I must be the only parent in the world waking myself up at night when my baby is asleep!

Really reassuring to know somebody else has felt the same way, it sounds like you had similar anxiety and fears x

I was like this with DS1, my gp was unwilling to say I had one but he gave me a couple of weeks supply of anti depressants. That seemed to help me get over it. It's always worth talking to someone else about this.

I'm a bit nervous my GP might fob me off for being silly. Deep down I think I'm worrying much more than a normal person does and it's really interfering with my life. I'm so preoccupied worrying that I've let all my relationships with friends just fall by the wayside and I wonder if, like the HV, the GP will just say 'everyone worries' and that be that.

SIDS is rare, and you being anxious all the time isn’t doing you or baby any good, believe me you’ll end up your aniexty rubbing off on the baby and both you living on your nerves. You aren’t being silly but you need to quit it or you will burn yourself out. Talk to your health visitor again, and you’re going to have to push yourself with this but involve yourself in mum and baby groups in your area, or take up yoga to relax- anything at all to take your mind off of impending doom and gloom

If your GP fobs you off, make an appointment with a different GP.

I'll give my GP a call Tuesday, I was up for a lot of the night researching SIDS, it's jut made me worse but I can't stop googling it.

It really made me feel so much worse, reading story after story of these poor parents but it's like I can't stop myself reading even though it makes me cry and cry.

I should be normal, thinking about getting the garden done, visiting friends and family at the weekend, instead I'm so tired from being awake all night and don't want to go out. I am so scared all the time. Just terrified.

Define normal? What should be happy taking your baby out and showing her off, you’re hiding away reading up on sadness. You do need help, it’s easy for us to tell you what to do but you have to do it yourself.

Yes I'm going to call Tuesday. It's not healthy and I can see that. Just reading it back to myself makes me think that if somebody else wrote it, I'd be concerned and urging them to get help.

I just never thought I'd be this way. Naively I thought once she was here and I'd got through the birth that my excessive worrying would evaporate. Not to be, sadly. Should really have expected this.

Your situation sojnda similar to how I felt too when I had my son - i would envision and imagine all sort of scenarios - walking down the stairs meant I could fall with my son in my arms...putting him in the car seat had me anxious in case he fell...bathtime etc etc and same thoughts with walking with the pram and seeing cars and busses. My GP also fobbed me off saying it was normal...and honeslty its only got better since he has got older. I still worry but not as much.
I did do some private therapy and that helped...you def need to do something as its not healthy and it wears you out.

Hi, it sounds a bit like postnatal anxiety. I suffered badly with it. Same as you felt worried sick something would happen to my baby. It went on for months. In the end I spoke to my Doctors who gave me sertraline and it really helped. The relief it gave me to be able to think rationally and to be able to not feel like my head was heavy with constant thoughts, I never switched off. that’s what they are irrational thoughts, we all know that it’s a possiblity that god forbid anything could happen to our precious babies but postnatal anxiety takes its to a whole new level. It’s the uncontrollable factor of it for me that I hated it. Please speak to your gp or health visitor.

www.anxietyuk.org.uk/anxiety-type/postnatal-anxiety/

Take a look at this and hopefully will give you more of an insight. Don’t worry if you feel that this relates to you, there are lots of things that can help from medication to cbt. You can self refer yourself for cbt now. Google the nhs number, there’s a bit of a waiting time but it can all be done online now with a therapist who keeps in contact and helps you along the way. X

Thanks @Kellie137 for your reply, really useful and I agree it does seem like anxiety. It's just as you described, the thoughts just don't seem to go away, I feel like my nerves are shredded and I don't recognise myself.

I look back to my life before pregnancy as being so carefree and I can't imagine eve having another day where I worry about 'normal' things again, or a night where I don't wake myself up again and again to check on her and prey she is ok.

I know I need to stop this obsessive googling but it seems easier said than done.

It's a comfort to know other people have gone through the same and come through it, really, I feel so alone in feeling this way, I'm glad I reached out here, it's made a big difference.