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Original poster

Aggressive 3 year old - struggling to cope

23 replies

FluffyUnicornSlippers · 03/05/2018 18:55

My 3 year old DS is a wonderful, sweet, clever and friendly boy. But his aggressive side is bringing us to our knees.

Around December he started pushing other children. How we deal with it is to intervene straight away, tell him no pushing and take him away somewhere quiet for a few minutes. We say pushing hurts and makes people sad. Then we go back. If he does it again, we leave.

For a while he'd say, "No pushing!" and not push. But recently it's stepped up and now he's shoving kids and also pulling their hair.

Today at his beloved circus school he pushed two kids then pulled the hair of another in a tunnel. We took him home.

It is heartbreaking cos his one little mate he had (and their parent being our one mate) now no longer wants to see him because he pushed him. My DS adored him. So we don't see them and the parent anymore. At this rate he'll have no friends and no classes to go to.

To set the scene, we moved country in January which was obviously a hugely stressful upheaval. He talks about where we used to live. In December we were packing up etc which I think kicked this off.

We don't know what to do anymore. We dread bringing him anywhere. He starts preschool in September (his dad is a SAHD) and we feel like somewhere along the way we've done something terribly wrong.

Help?

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Smeddum · 03/05/2018 18:56

How is his communication OP? Can he speak and explain his feelings?

I think that ending a friendship because of a push is a bit precious tbh, especially as you’re trying to deal with the behaviour.

Original poster

FluffyUnicornSlippers · 03/05/2018 19:09

I feel it was a bit precious too but it was still very hurtful.

His communication is pretty good but we're trying to help him express his feelings more. He can so far tell us when he's happy, grumpy, sad, tired, excited and hungry.

The aggression tends to happen most when he's excited ie playing. He's very social, he loves other people.

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Original poster

FluffyUnicornSlippers · 03/05/2018 19:12

Another thing that's hard is he pushed his cousin. My sister is a very different parent to me, she said, "You need to shout at him, smack him!" We never would, and it wouldn't work anyway. But it makes it all the more stressful.

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littledinaco · 03/05/2018 19:17

Does he tell you why he’s pushed them? Is it that he wants to go first/be on his own in the tunnel, etc?

If you ask him ‘what happened?’ is he able to explain to you along the lines of ‘X did such as such so I pushed him’?

Often if you can find out the reason for the behaviour it makes it easier to deal with and give him alternative strategies he can use.

Sometimes asking him first and listening to what he says, then explaining what he could have done instead of pushing can work better than telling him off for the pushing.

Original poster

FluffyUnicornSlippers · 03/05/2018 19:19

No, he doesn't understand when we ask why.

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littledinaco · 03/05/2018 19:22

If you ask him ‘did you push because ........’ can he understand and answer you?

Does he not give any response when you ask why he pushed?

Have you any idea why he does it or is it just completely random for no apparent reason?

AsAProfessionalFekko · 03/05/2018 19:23

Are you living in a county where your native language is spoken?

We used to have a lot of children starting at our old school with little or no English and they would act out because of the frustration of not being able to communicate as well as before/as at home. Some were acting up became of the upheaval of moving.

PinkbicyclesinBerlin · 03/05/2018 19:28

Pushing at 3 is pretty normal behaviour. Yes you intervene, yes you correct and yes you supervise those prone to pushing but it still happens. I wouldn’t be overly concerned about the other parent, they are being very precious about normal threeanger behaviour.

JBETHHT · 03/05/2018 19:38

Have you tried a daily behaviour chart? not to sure if he's a little to young to understand? But if he's had a good day you put a happy sticker on his chart, if he has a bad day, maybe a sad face sticker? maybe the stickers could equate to something? so many happy stickers at the end of the week could mean a treat? I would contact the preschool before he goes as well, they will be able to support you and give you some good advice. Its great your addressing the situation and trying to nip it in the bud now, hope this helps x

Original poster

FluffyUnicornSlippers · 03/05/2018 19:42

The country is in the UK, and so were we initially so English. No, when we ask him he just gets upset or doesn't answer. He doesn't sit quietly, he's usually quite upset when we take him away which feels worse.

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Tawdrylocalbrouhaha · 03/05/2018 19:46

To those saying the other parent was being precious, would you force your 3 year old to spend time with a child they were afraid of or who repeatedly shoved them? I wouldn't.

OP it's probably just a phase - all you can do for now is watch him like a hawk and be ready to act if he does get pushy. If it continues you might need to think further, but it probably won't if you keep reinforcing "we DON'T do that" and take him home every time he does it.

Smeddum · 03/05/2018 19:55

To those saying the other parent was being precious, would you force your 3 year old to spend time with a child they were afraid of or who repeatedly shoved them? I wouldn't

I would have a lot more empathy if the parents were trying to get on top of the behaviour and I in no way agree that isolating a child who is pushing/shoving is helpful at all. No, if my child was being attacked I wouldn’t put them together, but supervised when it’s pushing? Don’t see why not unless my child was distressed after numerous incidents which weren’t dealt with.

Original poster

FluffyUnicornSlippers · 03/05/2018 19:59

With this child it happened twice - once each time. He also tried to hug him, but was quite aggressive in the way he did (grabby and because my DS is a lot smaller than most can pull people down because he reaches up). I don't blame her but my point is that I don't want it to keep happening.

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PinkbicyclesinBerlin · 03/05/2018 20:04

To those saying the other parent was being precious, would you force your 3 year old to spend time with a child they were afraid of or who repeatedly shoved them?

I would supervise them. They are 3, so I would expect 3 year old behaviour. If the parents were proactive, that would be enough for me. If they weren’t I would intervene on behalf of my child.

Original poster

FluffyUnicornSlippers · 03/05/2018 20:12

The being isolated aspect is getting to me and worries me, because I think part of his being physical is wanting to be friends, initiate play, connect. He really loves people, adults, kids. We are trying to teach him how to gently imitate play by asking etc but he gets so completely excited he just can't.

The thought of him being "that" friendless naughty child breaks my heart.

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littledinaco · 03/05/2018 20:19

When it’s happened have you been right there next to him? I think if you’ve got a hitter/pusher you need to shadow them while they go through this phase so you can stop them before they push/hurt the other child. If you’re not right next to him and only intervene afterwards to tell him off then I can understand why the other parent might be annoyed.

If he’s unable to explain what happened he could be struggling with communication and that’s why he’s hitting through frustration.

littledinaco · 03/05/2018 20:27

So it could be that he wants to play/make friends but he doesn’t naturally ‘get’ how to do this so he’s hitting/pushing instead?

Look up basic ‘social stories’ (used often for children with ASD which I’m not for one minute suggesting he has but can help NT kids too)
-lots of role play in the areas he struggles with
-you demonstrating how to play with the other kids, it may take lots of being down on your knees at play groups etc!
-role play with figures/dolls showing how to make friends/play nicely/what to say/do, etc. You can also play out them hitting/pushing and the other doll/dinosaur being sad/not wanting to play.

Tawdrylocalbrouhaha · 03/05/2018 21:20

Do any of your friends have slightly older children? They wouldn't be knocked over by enthusiastic hugging, and he might pick up social skills from them. Also keep looking for different friends for him - he might suit a resilient and rambunctious type.

Honestly, he's far from being the only 3 year old behaving like this - visit any softplay on a Saturday afternoon, it's like Lord of the Flies.

Original poster

FluffyUnicornSlippers · 03/05/2018 21:24

No, we don't really have any friends.

That role play is an excellent idea, will give that a go.

OP posts:

Tawdrylocalbrouhaha · 03/05/2018 21:48

I wonder if making some friends yourself (even just functional ones) would help? My DS's "friends" are the children of friends I made by going to groups etc since he was born. They see each other very frequently with parents there to encourage playing together and stamp on pushing/snatching/etc.

Without that sort of contact he's probably at a temporary disadvantage, but nursery should be really helpful for him.

PinkbicyclesinBerlin · 03/05/2018 22:16

The thought of him being "that" friendless naughty child breaks my heart.

He won’t be that OP. Plenty of kids go through a biting, hitting, pushing phase it is totally normal. As other said uptgread it is often a communication issue where they are lacking in vocabulary so once that comes it stops. Someone mentioned shadowing and I completely agree with that as a great idea to keep him on track when you are there.

My DS has ASD and really struggles with other kids even at an older age to your DC and really watching like a hawk is required because other children cannot be hurt by our DC, but that is okay. Even as the most socially disinterested child in history my DS has kids hanging out of him trying to be his friend so you really do not need to worry there.

Original poster

FluffyUnicornSlippers · 05/05/2018 03:09

Thank you everyone, truly appreciate your advice and reassurance. We're going on holiday to Bulgaria next month to visit our friends who live there and have a 2 year old so we're well nervous. Maybe a week of constant child will sort it!

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Mannix · 05/05/2018 08:23

My DS2 went through a pushing / hitting phase when he was a bit younger than yours is. You have my sympathy because I found it so stressful - I tried so hard to stop him (using similar tactics to you) but it just kept happening. Then one day - he stopped. Literally it went from being a daily occurrence to never happening. He's now a gentle kind 8yo who would never hit another child. Hang in there OP!

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