Unplanned pregnancy at 45 - in turmoil. Anyone been a similar age in same position?

[Idontknowwhatithink]

I've discovered I'm pregnant and I'm 45. I already have an 18 month old and a 3 year old. I'm in bits and don't know which direction to go in. DP and I had an appt at BPAS with a view to coming away with abortion pills and I was so upset during the consultation they refused to give the pills and have insisted I speak to a counsellor first.

I just don't know what to do. Our family is complete with our two little ones and money is ridiculously tight. We both feel the 'right' thing to do is end the pregnancy but we're both in pieces and really struggling to take those final steps.

Has anyone been through this at a smilier age? What did you decide and do you have an regrets?

Thank you.

Hey - yes, it's happened to me. I was 47, with a 7yr old and a 5yr old.

What you say really chimes with me. What we both realised very quickly is that there is no 'black and white' as far as emotions are concerned. Even though we knew that a termination was the right choice for us, it didn't mean we didn't care or didn't feel upset.We did go through with it and, two years on, I don't regret my decision but I do still think about it.

Assuming you're in the very early stages of pregnancy, you've still got time yet. Talk it through, take some time, and be prepared to feel a whole range of emotions. It's not easy but you will reach the decision that's right for you and your family.

Thank you for responding Sally. Would you have made the same decision if your two children had been pre-school? I hope you don't mind me asking, I can't imagine have school age children and starting again. "There is no black and white" is exactly what we have said. When I had my appt with BPAS I said exactly those words. I think I'm finding it harder because I already have children and I'm not young so my decision isn't based on whether I'm ready to start a family or in a stable relationship. I keep thinking how does anyone cope with three children. And then I wonder if we would be ok because our other two children are so young so another would slot in or whether that would make it harder, But I feel like I'm trying to convince myself it could work becaue I'm struggling so much to see through a termination but I don't know if that's fear of the unknown.

You're not old..you're as young as you feel (Maybe you don't feel so young...but you are definitely not too old!)

Are you in good health? I'm not in a similar position but would be if I found myself pg right now (i'm same age with a 4 and a 5 yr old)

I'm not planning a pg for the reasons you mention. This is all such a personal decision though. For me, I would view it as a gift/sign I was meant to have no3 so would take the emotions as shock and fear of the future.

I think termination is not someone anyone else can really advise on. For me, I couldn't do it as I lost one at 17wks and 6 yrs on I am still traumatised by this. Does anyone really regret having a new baby? I'm not sure. But I do know plenty who have been traumatised by an abortion..Only you will know (or think you know) how you may feel down the line.

Take some time to think about all of your options. Don't rush into either decision would be my advice I think. Going off your child's ages, you wouldn't have the struggle of 3 at home as your eldest would be at school - that makes a massive difference.

Hi. I was in a similar situation as you, although I was a bit younger as I was 40 and my second child was 9 m old when I got pregnant accidentally.

It's such a hard situation. We had 2 healthy kids and considered our family complete. At the time, DH was self employed and earning low wages. I work full time and earn a decent wage but we couldn't see how we could afford 3 full time at nursery and manage to pay the mortgage. I had a horrendous delivery with DS and was still recovering from a complex section.

So we had a termination. Back then it was the right thing for us and the DC. Now 5 yrs on DH earns much more and we could easily afford it. So it feels like we put our material needs first even though I know we would have had to sell the house back then so I guess I put my DC first. I have pangs of guilt and regret still but I had to do what I felt was right back then.

It is so hard and I'm thinking of you.

Star I'm sorry for your loss, I can't imagine how hard that must've been for you.

I am in good health thankfully. I don't consider myself old but the thought of having another baby and all that entails plus too toddlers at 45 is daunting. But for us it's also financial, we're severely struggling financially thanks to me being made redundant a few months ago.

My 3 year old would just qualify for 15 hours of nursery when new baby would arrive and school wouldn't be for another nine months after that.

Mrs it is mainly financial for us although I am finding the thought of having a baby and two toddlers overwhelming.

Can I ask how many weeks you were? I'm 7 weeks today. I was steered towards the abortion pill at BPAS but the whole 'process' sounds quite horrific.

One thing the woman at BPAS said to me was you have to base your decision on the here and now and what is the right decision for you today. It's just horrendous because I feel like both directions are an awful choice.

I was around 9 weeks when the termination was complete. I got delayed by a week or so as I had to go to the women's hospital in Liverpool as PBAS wouldn't touch me due to medical history. It was done with tablets which are easier to cope with I understand. Happy to share more info about the actual process if you need it, though don't want to give unwanted details to you.

I found it's got harder to live with as the kids have got up. DH reminds me that's cos I'm looking at the kids and picturing a third child rather than a foetus that was never meant to be. But I still know it was right at the time.

Mrs what you've said about it getting harder as your children have got older is another thing that runs through my mind. At the moment I can only visualise another pregnancy, another newborn, another couple of years with nappies etc but I look at my children and the time passes so quickly I know that 'chapter' doesn't last forever but it still lasts a while.

I think you were really brave to have the strength you needed to make your decision.

As for your timescale that's another thing I'm really struggling with, I had to wait 10 days for initial appt at BPAS and another 10 days for next appt.

Maybe try and separate out all the different factors and make a decision for each one, and then take a look at all the answers overall when you're done. eg:
Financial reasons - terminate
Age - ?
Ability to cope with 3 - ?
Fear of termination process - ?
Guilt (not that you should feel this, but would you?) - ?
DH's feelings / views - ?

For you OP:

Sorry you're in this situation.

Take care.

I find that a useful exercise is to imagine how I would feel in various different scenarios.

For example, if you were to miscarry or find at your 12 week scan that there was no heartbeat how would you feel? Relieved? Or disappointed? Try to listen to your gut instinct. Accept your emotions for what they are it's ok to feel how you feel, whatever that is.

I wasn't 45, but I had a unplanned pregnancy outside of a relationship, so I've been through something similar.

Really sorry you're having to go through this. I think the advice above is good. You have to try to visualise how you would feel I think at a 12 week scan. You do get 30hrs free though now for nursery don't forget (did make a big difference for me this year)

For financial too...don't forget, babies are incredibly cheap! It's the later stages down the road (teenagers etc!) when they start to get pricey. As you already have two, you will realise they don't need all the fancy stuff and you would probably manage better with a sling rather than a fancy pram etc. I have zero idea how myself and DH have managed with 2 kids through the last 2 years...very low income...but we just have. You just do.

Look after yourself.

Thank you everyone for your really good advice. It's taken me a while to come back because I've been in such a mess.

I decided to go ahead and book a termination and BPAS advised controlled sedation would be the best option because I was 7/8 weeks and the counsellor I spoke to didn't feel a medical abortion would be right for me.

I weighed up everything, and decided financially, practically, age of us (I'm 45 and he's 43) a termination would be the best option. But, when the day came round I just couldn't go through with it. I was a complete emotional wreck. I don't know whether it was fear of the procedure, hormones flying all over the place or what it was but I fell apart again. So I'm still a mess and thinking I've made a huge mistake, I should've taken a really deep breath and seen it through.

No one can advise on this, but honestly? It sounds like you don't wamnt to go through with it.

Please don't go through with it if you feel this way

Really really tough and personal decision. I am 42, with 1 year old and 4 year old and another on the way. And DP not on the scene any more so facing doing this alone. For me the heart overruled the head... I found threads like this a useful honest insight www.mumsnet.com/Talk/larger_families/3233630-Is-three-really-a-magic-number

Ok now youve made the decision to continue with the pregnancy start looking into everything you could be entitled to. How your husband could maximise his potential at work and could you do anything from home??