Did your feelings towards toddler change with arrival of newborn?

[Gettingclosenow]

Just wondering if anyone has been through this and can advise. I have a beautiful newborn who is 7 days old and a 2 year old toddler DS. He is pretty full on but always has been, his behaviour hasn't changed since the arrival of the baby and in fact he seems very smitten with her.

What has changed is my feelings towards him. Before the baby arrived I worried that I wouldn't, couldn't possibly love another human like I loved my firstborn. He was my universe. The minute the new baby was born that has changed and I feel ambivalent towards him at best, irritated by him at worst. My love is now all directed towards the baby and the toddler feels like an inconvenience, like I'm looking after someone else's child for the day and I can't really be bothered. Yesterday I was feeling pretty down and wanted to just pick up the baby, leave with her and not look back.

I feel horrified and devastated by this and so sad for my DS. I'm obviously trying my best not to show these feelings but toddlers are smart and will pick up on these things. I'm so tearful when I think about it, he deserves so much better than I'm giving him.

Has anyone else felt this way? Is it perhaps nature's way of making me look after the more vulnerable child? Or am I just a monster with only enough love for one child

Please be kind! Has anyone felt like this? Does the love for the older child return?

Hi there
I only have one so I can't relate to your situation but I think I can understand it.
You have a perfect newborn and all of the emotions that come along with that.
Your love (and hormones ) are directing themselves at your new baby and anything that takes up your energy outside of that can be perceived as an irritant.
I can only think that your emotions will change once things settle down.

This is all so new to you, give yourself some time and don't beat yourself up.
You'll be fine.

This is my worst fear... Im pregnant with my second and im very worried the demands of my first born (who is at the moment apple of my eye) will become draining and I wont be able to cope.

Is there anyone to help you? It could just be that you are very very tired. Toddlers are demanding and its natural to feel worn out by them. Maybe if you managed to get a bit of a break from him you would feel better towards him? Is there anyone who could take him out for the day?

It's hormones. Honestly, you will be fine in a few days time.

Your son won't remember any of this at all. Is there someone else available who can take him to go and do something extremely fun for a few hours to give you a break?

Don't worry - it's normal. I remember just having this visceral need to nurture the baby. It helped that 3 year old DD was rejecting me and just wanted Daddy. I also found the newborn with their simple needs so much easier than parenting a jealous three year old who would hurt him if my back was turned.

It will pass. Just ride it out. I remember DD used to insist that I "wind" her like the baby. She's droop over my shoulder and make disgusting pretend burp noises. I HATED it but went along with it because she just needed to be treated like a baby. That passed too!

Yes I felt like this too x my eldest was 2.5 and was a pain in the arse. As others said it passes. Now I don’t like either of them very much (joke)

You are most definitely not a monster.

You're still in the immediate postnatal period, your emotions will be all over the place. Please don't be so hard on yourself, give it a little bit of time. The fact that you're so aware of and worried about the effect of your feelings on your son shows that the love is still there.

If these feelings persist or get worse or you feel you can't cope, please talk to your health visitor or GP about it, as postnatal depression can take all sorts of forms and this is one of them. But at seven days after birth I don't think you should jump to any conclusions about that, just be as kind to yourself as you can possibly be.

If you can find time away from the baby to cuddle with your son in bed, even while he sleeps, that might help. Holding a toddler / preschooler in bed brings you right back to what sweet, vulnerable babies they really still are.

Thank you everyone for the reassuring responses! I am lucky really as DS has been well looked after by family over the last week and is at nursery one day a week as well. Having a break from him does it make it easier when he is here. I suppose it's still very early days for all of us. Will take it one day at a time.

Thanks

I only have one young baby at the moment so haven’t experienced this, but I have definitely seen multiple threads on here about it! People saying exactly the same, and that their toddler suddenly seems huge in comparison to a tiny newborn etc. Everyone said it was normal and, most importantly, it will pass. You’ve been through pregnancy and labour and are now no doubt sleep deprived with hormones all over the place. Be kind to yourself :)

Hi OP,

I have a 4 year old and an 8 month old. My first born was 3.5 years old when the baby was born.

I didn’t experience what you are but my home life circumstances were different, however, I do remember feeling like my older son wasn’t as important any more. It wasn’t as though he didn’t matter to me anymore but I just had this biological drive to focus on the baby and my other son was always a bit of an after thought. I still loved him to pieces but he stopped being my concern, for want of a better word. It’s all a bit of a blur now as it was a good while ago but I do vaguely remember leaving everyone else to worry about my oldest son (my DH and family) whilst I switched off from him and the newborn became my only focus.

After about 6-7 weeks I found things shifted and I started incredibly missing my eldest if he wasn’t around and i felt like I wanted him with me all the time and I just wanted to cuddle and kiss him etc. It was like a switch had been flicked and my brain was saying “Great job on nurturing your newborn but now it’s time to remember you have another child too!” and things just started returning to normal from then on.

Saying that though, during those early weeks I never felt like he was an inconvenience, I didn’t feel a change in my attachment to him, he was still my son that I really loved it was just that the new baby needed me more.

From what you’re saying things are obviously worrying you and I think the way your feelings have changed towards your eldest do need addressing. The fact you are sad and devestated about how you feel are positive because it shows you don’t want things to continue as they are, and I think it’s important to talk to someone about how you feel to prevent things getting worse, and also to give you support and reassurance?

Could you talk to your partner about how you feel?

Even if you can talk to him I still think that perhaps you should mention it to your HV. As great as this forum is it will probably help you do much to just get this off your chest and talk about it face to face with a professional who has probably seen it 100’s of time before and can give you the support and advice you need.

Don’t be too hard on yourself, I completely understand why you feel so upset by these feelings towards your eldest so don’t let them fester because it will only make things worse for your emotions because such a big issue isn’t one you should be carrying and dealing with alone