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Original poster

Keeping childless friends

17 replies

alib8592 · 02/05/2018 21:28

Hi everyone,

I just wanted to hear your opinions and thoughts about keeping hold of your friends after having a baby.

I've just had my first child who is 3 months old. My friends have been so lovely and kind and really like to see us, however the problem is my friends work full time and as their evenings are free this is usually when they make plans.

My little girl is breastfed and from about 6pm onwards constantly wants to feed and is so tired. We have a routine of a final feed on the bed to sleep from about 8pm. My friends usually do dinners etc and seem to be upset that I no longer want to go out in the evening or really have people over. It's my time to unwind once my little girl is asleep and if her routine is disrupted she will become over tired and take so long to get to sleep.

My friends like to get together at least once a week and are rarely free on weekends.. Am I being silly for not just taking my little girl out and seeing my friends once a week or would you also say your evenings are now too busy?

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Marmaladdin · 02/05/2018 21:36

My evenings are still busy 5 years on. DD is 5 and DS is 20mo. I only see my old friends every few months. I've made lots of new friends though. It wasn't planned that way, just happened.

mrsoutnumbered · 03/05/2018 06:37

It is hard. I have a few childless friends and I rarely see them. When we do meet up, I feel like we don't really click anymore. I feel like they're seeing me out of politeness. But that's okay. Sometimes people just grow apart and lives go in different directions.

As a pp said I have made lots of new friends - other mums from school who are in the same 'phase' of life iykwim.

I much prefer meeting people during the day for coffee or lunch, evenings are very hard for me even now (I have 3 kids aged 8, 6 and 2). By the time they're all in bed, all I want to do is collapse on the sofa.

When your baby is a bit older you may find it easier to sneak out after bedtime!

MarthasGinYard · 03/05/2018 06:43

First few months are for settling in with routines etc.

However, I would certainly make the effort to get out and see your friends in the near future when someone can sit with dc. I wouldn't take dc with me though. It's lovely seeing friends who don't just talk babies.

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Original poster

alib8592 · 03/05/2018 08:05

Thanks ladies it's nice to know I'm not being silly. If I could leave her with my husband then I would but she breastfeeds to settle and doesn't like to take a bottle. I would end up getting a call to come home and actually I'm usually so tired in the evening I just want to have a shower and get in my pyjamas.

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Cuppaqueen · 03/05/2018 08:30

We just invited our good friends over in the evenings once we felt up to it. As baby gets older and sleeps better, it will get easier. Hopefully if they're good friends, they'll understand if you explain it's just too much to go out at the moment.

And when friends did come over, it was nothing fancy. A quick spag Bol and a bottle of wine, or even a takeaway if the night got away from us. At the time, I'd think oh, why did we invite people? But once they arrived, I really enjoyed some adult time.

TheVeryHungryDieter · 03/05/2018 08:38

We invited friends over, but to be honest my son was never a good sleeper so it was just as easy to bring him with us. We used to bring the pram and just put him down in that when he was tiny. Our friends who welcomed us bringing him and worked around us are the ones we are closest to now. The ones who flaked on me after I'd booked and paid for a babysitter are not in my life.

You're probably going to feel tired for the next who-knows years. Breastfeeding is more draining, though. You do whatever suits best for your family and your child. This will pass! X

mindutopia · 03/05/2018 09:16

I depends on if your evenings are too busy? Do you want to go out? Or are you tired and wanting to relax at home?

I think realistically you need to manage your expectations (having a small baby is intense but it won’t always be this way) and plan for the long game. I have a 10 week old and no way I’d be going out for dinner with friends right now. Evenings are for winding down and getting ready for the nighttime and getting caught up on sleep. But he’s my 2nd so I know it won’t always be this way. You do get your evenings back in time.

In the meantime, I would find ways to see your friends other times or not at all if they can’t be flexible. Meet them for lunch during the week if they can sneak out for a lunch. Push more for weekend lunches even if they haven’t been keen. Invite them for Sunday lunch. Think about hosting them for dinner in time. We were the first of our friends to have kids. We didn’t see much of them for probably the first 9 months, but then we started to invite them for dinner. My dh would cook. I’d put dd to bed and then we’d have a fun evening together while she slept upstairs. If they’re real friends, they’ll want to see you and find a way to make time even if you don’t see each other often.

Teacuphiccup · 03/05/2018 09:21

You might have to meet them one to one for a while.

I’m childless but I work in the evenings and have the days free so I often meet people for lunch.

pineappleplant · 03/05/2018 09:25

Have you explained to your friends OP? They probably just don't really get that it's a different dynamic and they need to put the effort in to see you. I don't have kids myself and I know when my first friend had a baby it took me a while to 'get' how tired she was in the evenings and realise that I should plan to make time for her at the weekends. Maybe you can organise some weekend things in advance? 3 months isn't long at all and I'm sure you'll be able to establish a new routine with your friends over time.

Original poster

alib8592 · 03/05/2018 09:56

That's the thing, I actually don't want to go out in the evenings or really have have one other than family over. It's still awkward breastfeeding in front of friends and their other half etc. 6 friends came over when she was 3 days old and stayed till about 10pm! It's exhausting.. others have stayed till 1130 and now they want me to go to their house with her about 6. I keep saying no and suggested weekends and now they haven't replied to my message... I guess they think I'm being awkward

OP posts:

teaandbiscuitsforme · 03/05/2018 12:47

3mo is still tiny!! And I think you've answered your own question - you don't want to. And that's fine (and completely understandable!!) I certainly wouldn't have gotten out the door in the evenings at 3mo with my 2 (both EBF).

I'd suggest a coffee on a Saturday morning or have an after BBQ in a couple of months. Otherwise back off a bit now and join back in when you feel like it.

This kind of happened to me but it's coming full circle now and the childless friends have got more and more small babies. They get it now.

teaandbiscuitsforme · 03/05/2018 12:48

*an afternoon BBQ

Also your DH/DP needs to step up and get rid of people if they come over in the evenings.

Luxembourgmama · 03/05/2018 13:02

You'll get into a rhythm after a while. 3 months is so young. Could you meet for lunch? Thats what i did on maternity leave. Had lots of lunches with friends as my baby napped mornings and evenings. It is hard though. Now that she's bigger myself and my DH have one evening each out a week for friends/hobbies.

Sleeplikeasloth · 03/05/2018 13:29

If you don't want to, that's fine, but it is possible to still see friends in the evening with a baby. Sometimes I've taken her, sometimes she's stayed with one of us, sometimes we've invited friends round here. If you don't want to, that's fine, but it's not the baby that's stopping you, as such.

Mannix · 03/05/2018 13:42

I do totally understand your feelings OP. Your baby is still tiny, of course you're tired!

However, if you continue to say no to every invitation then it's inevitable that you will drift apart from these friends. Is that OK? Or would you be sad to lose them?

If it's the latter, then it's worth trying to think of ways to make this work. I used to take my baby with me to meet my working friends for lunch. Or maybe you would be up for an evening meet-up (at yours or not) once every three or four weeks rather than once a week? And occasionally at the weekend instead?

Think about what might work for you and them. It's worth putting some effort in if you want to stay good friends.

My best friend had her first baby four years after I did and we're still great friends. It did take a bit of compromise (on both sides) though.

Dermymc · 03/05/2018 13:45

I think it's give and take on both sides. I had weeks where I didn't see childless friends but now he's older (15months)I see them almost weekly. This is afternoons in the pub, left with grandparents at weekend evenings, some call in after work for a cuppa. Find a time that works for you both. Also I see them all a lot less as one big group, instead couples/individually. This is fine too!

user1493413286 · 04/05/2018 20:01

I understand your feelings and for the first few months I was too exhausted to do anything after DD was in bed but I think if you want to keep the friendships as they are then you will need to meet them in the evenings at some point as how else will you see them?
Also they are unlikely to really understand as from their point of view they haven’t changed and your life has. I have actually started saying to people before they come over for an evening that I will have to call time on the night around 10 or whatever as I’ve sat there nearly falling asleep hoping people will leave or ended up exhausted the next day; no one has minded when I’ve explained and kind of joked about it

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