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Parenting

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Original poster

my son wants to change his surname... advice please

17 replies

kellie92 · 02/05/2018 15:16

i''ll try to explain this best i can without too much rambling.
my son has a double barreled surname, his dads name hyphenated with my name. At school he just uses my name as he prefers to drop his dad's name cos of everything that happened. everything else is his legal name, bank account ect.. which i have no problem with at all. But now that his step dad and i are getting married in June and my son knows i will be changing my name he now wants to switch his name so it will his stepdad's name hyphenated with mine. Legally I can't do this as his dad would never agree so I plan to keep his legal name til he is old enough to change it himself if he still wishes. But for example at school could he be known by his new chosen name.

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KittyMcGeorge · 02/05/2018 15:28

Hi. My son took his stepdads name whilst at primary school.. we just let them know that he wished to be known as X. The only time I legally changed it was for a passport many years later (father was no contact and passport office were fine with this)

eurochick · 02/05/2018 15:33

Why would you change your name in these circumstances? It seems like a terrible idea and completely unnecessary.

Original poster

kellie92 · 02/05/2018 15:40

um i'm not sure what you mean.. i'm getting married therefore changing my surname. So my son wants to change his name so it will be his stepdads name hyphenated with my maiden name. He chooses not to use his biological dad's name for reasons i'm not going to get into...

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Problematique · 02/05/2018 15:51

How old is he?

Original poster

kellie92 · 02/05/2018 15:52

almost 7

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LunaTrap · 02/05/2018 15:55

Why would you change your name when that will leave your son with his Dad's name that he doesn't want and your name that you won't share with him anymore?

Original poster

kellie92 · 02/05/2018 15:59

I understand what you are saying and that is also an option. I just want to explore this possibility as he suggested it and because i would like to take my husbands name. This way we would all have the same surname.

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LexieLulu · 02/05/2018 16:01

I can't imagine a 6 year old understanding what it means to change his name? I'd just leave it as it is

TaurielTest · 02/05/2018 16:01

If you can't legally change his name then surely the only way for him to continue to share an official surname with you would be for you to either not change your name on marriage (lots of women don't), or for you to change it to Yourname-Husbandsname - that could also be the name your son was known by. Your new husband could change his to Yourname-Husbandsname too.

LunaTrap · 02/05/2018 16:02

Why doesn't your fiancé take your name? Then you all share that common name even if your son is double barrelled.

redexpat · 02/05/2018 16:10

I was going to suggest your dp taking your name.
Your name - Jones
Xh - Smith
Dh - Brown
So you change from jones smith to jones brown.
Dh becomes jones brown.
Ds remains jones smith.

That way youve all got one name in common.

Original poster

kellie92 · 02/05/2018 16:14

i see your points, lots of options out there. I'm not sure what the best would be. It's a lot more complex than first thought. He simply asked me if it would be ok to change his name to stepdad-myname instead of just myname. Think it is going to take a lot more thought before i go ahead with anything

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GrimSqueaker · 02/05/2018 19:06

I made the choice I wanted to this aged about 9. Had a new sibling arrive and, although it's hard to explain it, I just felt "wrong" having a different surname to the rest of the family.

I'd try to get it done legally though just as it makes it easier going through adult life - when I got married the registrar suggested I put down "X formerly known as Y" to add to the paperwork trail of surnames as well (but I'm in a profession where proving ID and DBS checks and the like are very very strongly emphasised).

I'd say if he's asking about it it's obviously playing on his mind so at the very least you've got some talking to do around the subject - I know I shouldn't have felt it - but I did feel very different having a different surname once mum remarried - even as still quite young.

Original poster

kellie92 · 02/05/2018 19:43

yes, it has been playing on his mind for a while now.
i know he is young but he understands it in his own way, he was 5 when he started asking to no longer use his dad's surname. that was easy enough to do. The way his name is made up it's my name that's the last so he will always have my last name. It's just a case of he wants to take out his biological dad's name and put in his stepdads. I would love to get it done legally eventually if it is something he truly wants.

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Hecticlifeanddrowning8 · 02/05/2018 19:53

He is 6 . There is no your surname and dad's surname. You chose to double barrel ,so that's your sons surname for the duration of his childhood.
I would keep your surname rather than changing to your new husband's, if you want to have half of the same name as your child.
Not being funny but if your child double barrelled ,his already double barrelled surname with your new husband, and then that relationship ended ...then what .

Original poster

kellie92 · 02/05/2018 20:15

Thanks everyone for your replies some good advice. I have a lot to think about before I go ahead with anything.

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Marcusalexlibby · 28/10/2019 20:36

My 6 year old hasn't seen his dad for over a year. When he did it was once a month and his dad was hardly ever there. He transitioned 5 months ago from wanting his dad to hating him. I told him he was away at work ect and that he loved him. Hes not stupid. He asks why his dad doesn't care? Why he wouldn't want him ect. His step dad has been his main man for 3 years. He asked me the other day to change his name to my partners. We have a daughter who is mine and his step dad. Also he has a step brother from his step dad last relationship.all have double barrelled names. My son wants to change his last name to his step fathers. He has asked alot. He now called his step dad dad constantly. He never did before. But whilst in this transition of understanding that his dad generally didn't want him ( he would call him on my phone. I would never stop him. I hoped he would answer. He didn't.) I took him to court 2 times. He never wanted him. His step dad comforted him and gradually told him he would never leave him and that he would always be a dad. Because no matter if the child was yours when you have a kid your a parent to all kids. My son spent a week in pain and only wanted his step dad. From then on he called him dad freely. Even when told of its "your mean daddy!" He gets it. For him to ask this made my partner cry. For him but also because its sick that some dads do this to kids. We have said if he wants to call himself this then that's fine. How could you say otherwise? We wont change anything legally but if he wants this then that's a choice he has made intelligently and with years of thought. I have never bad mouthed his father. But as kids get older and especially starting school, they see things more clearly. My son went through a hard time adjusting to the fact his dad wants nothing to do with him. But he also had his step dad to be this amazing man that helped him more than I could. Yes they are young. But not stupid.

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