Really need advice on a nightmare grandmother of my soon to be adopted SS.
He is 8, his mother had a long hideous history of alcohol abuse which meant regular contact was seized from an early age and transpired into supervised visits which she still managed to mess up. She seriously damaged SS and she then died. Obviously horrendous for SS but he handled it as best he could, he wasn't close to her and has always seen me as more of a mother figure but I'm anticipating his struggling with it when older. His maternal grandmother has also struggled with alcohol abuse but has admitted, although it is obvious anyway, to be mentally unstable. SS has regular twice weekly contact with her, with one overnight stay a week. He loves his grandmother, but it is an odd relationship. He finds comfort in the link he has to his mother through her. The problem I am facing is he is very distressed and uncomfortable when he has seen her. He has nightmares, can't sleep, becomes like a zombie and is on edge. She is very damaging for his mental health and tells him very damaging things...for example that his dead mother is angry with him if he does something she doesn't like...this has raised major red flags with me and my husband and we have attempted to deal with this (me more so as I have a more civil relationship with her) but these situations are only repeating.
We will be moving shortly, and she is trying to make my SS feel guilty for basically being excited about the move, new school, new chapter etc. Might I add this makes no difference to her at all in terms of distance or contact but what myself and husband and trying to figure out is how we go about changing what currently happens, as I'm fed up of her disrupting my family. I'm heavily pregnant and will no longer tolerate her meltdowns on my doorstep in front of distressed SS (and distressed me) as he will be the one with severe mental health issues long after she's gone. I see him as my own, he sees me as his own, but her mission in life is for that not to be the case (she is ill, not a monster, but refuses to get help) and I don't know what to do. We know what is best for him. He has a super support system regardless of her but I don't want him to lose that link with his maternal family and for him to have to suffer the consequences later in life. I am meeting her husband tomorrow and he has a track record of being very controlling and manipulative and I'm fretting about standing my ground and doing what is right.
Thanks in advance!