New mum feels useless

[Anya1981]

This is one of those messages where I know no one can really give me much advice, but hopefully at least some reassurance.
My DD is almost 8 weeks now and I feel inept and a bit useless as her parent. In those 8 weeks she has not slept in her own bed (moses basket) once in the night, and only a handful of naps during the day. I don't seem to be able to put her down without her screaming. After the moses basket fiasco I tried putting her to sleep in a sleepy pod, but in my bed, thinking she just wants to be close, but she wouldn't have any of it. She will only sleep in my arms, which makes me very nervous as I also then fall asleep with her on top of me, which I know is a no-no. She hardly sleeps during the day, and when I speak to other mums their babies seem to thrive in routines, sleeping 3 hours a day during the day and in the night in their own beds. I feel like I'm already failing.
She also just started having colic attacks, and this week has been horrendous. Almost all day, every day, I'm forgetting what my lovely smiley daughter looks like. It's so upsetting, as I'm sure many of you know, but I feel like I can't enjoy my little baby as most of my days I spend rocking and shushing her (with not much success, but at least I feel like I'm doing something).
I'm only able to write this message as my DP took her out in the car, soon it will be back to the old routine.
And to top it all off, she doesn't seem to like the sling! She's always too upset for me to even try and figure out how to tie the damn thing with her in it! So I've spent most of the last 8 weeks on the sofa, bf and watching Netflix.
Not loving my life right now :-(
Sorry for the long message, has anyone felt like this as well?

Hey! I could have written your post today... my LO is 8 weeks and the same as you; doesn't sleep in anything other than our bed as we now co sleep/ on me during the day. When people tell you their LO naps and sleeps a lot well they are either very very lucky or not telling the truth! All babies are different and some are just a bit more 'high needs' than others. It isn't a reflection of your parenting style or you as a parent... it's a learning experience and it isn't easy is it? It's the hardest thing I've ever done. Do you speak to you other half about it? Do you have support near by?

Oh, it's so tough. Dd used to scream almost incessantly from 6pm til near midnight at that age. She had a combination of silent reflux and colic: it was hell. I remember walking her round and round the house trying to keep her calm while I just had tears rolling down my cheeks. I felt like it would never end.

It did. Around 12 or 13 weeks, the colic suddenly got a lot better and that screaming stopped.

Don't get me wrong, it was still hard, and sleeping goes through so many phases of ok and awful - depending on teething/going through a leap (download the wonder weeks app if you've not come across leaps), but you do come to learn that everything genuinely is a phase and they will come out of it.

Dd is 19.5m now and there are other challenges, but I am so pleased to be past those very early weeks.

Read up on safe co-sleeping as well. Most bf Mums I know co-slept. If you're falling asleep accidentally with your baby then you really are better off just planning to do it, as it's much safer that way. I co-slept on and off with dd for ages. I figure whatever let both of us get the best sleep was the best thing overall.

Hang in there, I'm sure you're doing great; it's just tough going!

It’s a very long time since I had my own baby but I’m sure this still applies. Don’t believe Mums who tell you that their babies are in a routine at 8 weeks!
All babies are different and what works for one may not work for another.
Please don’t feel inept and useless, these early weeks are such hard work and you may feel as though you’ll never get it right.
Most new mothers are winging it, wondering when things will get better and trust me they will.
Best wishes
💐💐

1. Most babies hate Moses baskets
2. Other people don't always tell the truth about how they are managing or what their babies are doing. They don't want you to think they are inept.
3. Even if they are telling the truth the 4 month sleep regression will probably hit them like a wet fish on a chilly Tuesday.
4. If you already have a crap sleeper the 4 month sleep regression will completely pass you by. Win.
5. Colic is a bitch. Have you tried gripe water? If nothing works remember that it's just a stage some babies go through.
6. It all does get better. Nothing stays the same for very long with babies. Your job is just to keep them alive until they get a bit more interesting.

DD1 was a nightmare! Friends babies always seemed to like routine, napped during the day etc. The only way to get DD to nap was to walk/for a couple of hours - I used to treat myself to coffee and quite often cake as it felt so shit. Fast forward to now and she's still a poor sleeper but a bright, articulate 2.5 yr old. It's bloody hard work, don't beat yourself up about the tv (that's what I resorted to in the end), needs must and your needs are equally important to those of your child

You are not a bad mum - I'll say it again just in case - you are not a bad mum!

I have 2 DC - and the first one was an awful, awful sleeper. The second one was much better. Complete luck of the draw.

My DD1 had reflux - she never slept in that fecking Moses basket (which became a laundry basket) and I actually bought and Amby baby hammock in desperation at about 5 weeks as I thought I was losing my marbles through sleep deprivation!

(She used to cough a lot when I laid her in her back and that was the milk coming back up - just saying that in case yours is similar).

I ended up just doing anything to survive - sleeping as soon as my DH came in from work, sending her out with DH, grandparents etc. (Not easy if you are bf- but any kind of shut-eye is better than none!) etc.

This too will pass. Honest....!

Everything you say sounds completly normal.

My six year old still won't sleep in his own bed at night - he feels lonely and prefers snuggling up next to me.

I co-slept with all mine for the first few months as we all got a good nights sleep them. Its not for everyone but worked for us. You can google how to do it safely.

When I had children I found it surprising that they have there own little minds and aren't as easy to control as I had thought they would be before I had them.

It gets both easier and harder in different ways as they get older.

Oh my lovely you're only 8 weeks in! This newborn stage (for me anyway) was the TOUGHEST part. My DD is 10 months now it is much easier, but we were just talking about that early stage today...
'remember when she wouldn't sleep unless she was being held, & we had to take it in turns to get a few hours sleep each?'
But better believe we both fell asleep with her laying on our chests when it was our turn! We were so exhausted! & also breastfeeding. DD luckily didn't suffer with colic, just bad wind a handful of times so I don't have any advice there I'm afraid but I can imagine that's making things a whole lot worse for you! I know you've probably been told this & are bored of hearing it but before you know it this phase will be over, not all of a sudden but day by day it changes & you won't even realise.

I literally just wrote a post about my newborn DS lack of sleep and then saw yours :)
Although we don’t have the colic issue (but he is a windy and refluxy baby), his sleep is not good. We have no routine! His routine is he is fed on demand and sleeps when he wants to. He’s never slept more than about 4 hours but usually more like 2 hours at a time at night. This is either in a sleepyhead in my bed or in a cosleeper crib. But he has also gone through a number of phases of only sleeping on me for weeks at a time. I often end up with him falling asleep on me in my bed after a feed which I find terrifying as he was a LBW baby so shouldn’t really co sleep- fortunately that’s happening less often now and he is a lot bigger. I think he has slept once, in the daytime, for an hour in the Moses basket! (I also use mine for his laundry!) My DS is 9 weeks. It’s been difficult but I nearly lost him at birth so I guess I would put up with a lot!

So no advice here but an expression of new Mum solidarity, I’m assured that this all gets easier as PP have said!

I know some people say that it doesn't get easier, you just get different challenges.

In my experience, that's not true. Sleep deprivation was awful for me. I felt like I couldn't cope. I cried all the time.

In the future, whatever the kids throw at you, at least you'll have had a decent amount of kip and feel more able to deal with it!

How are you getting on today OP?

I felt exactly the same as you at 8 weeks in the colic really hit it’s peak! My DS would scream his head off from 6pm-10pm and the only thing that would come close to pacifying him was running up and down the hallway holding him as the motion seemed to help. We tried a sling aswell but again he wouldn’t stop screaming long enough to try it. We tried everything for the colic including infacol, colief drops and he is currently on gripe water which has probably been the biggest helper. Tried to stop it last week as he is now 12 weeks old and a lot better but we found he still needs it. I never believed people when they said it gets better and when your in that moment it feels like a lifetime until you get to 3 months but just stick with it. I have spent many a day crying my eyes out through lack of sleep and desperation. I used to wonder why it was happening to me and why couldn’t I have a nice easy baby like all of my friends. From 9-10weeks we started to see an improvement so fingers crossed you do too! I also spent a long time googling as I was convinced he must have something wrong with him but I think he is just a high needs baby. Loves to have a lot of attention and not a lot holds his attention for more than ten minutes.
You are doing an amazing job and just stick with it!! Once the colic eases you easily forget how bad it ever was!
And then you get ready for teething and 4 month sleep regression! Yay!

Oh god, I think 8 weeks was my absolute nadir. My baby never slept unless he was on me (so I slept with him on my chest every night for 5 months ). I promise you are not useless; it's just really really tough at this age.

Don't listen to other parents' boasts about their babies' sleep etc; everything is a phase with babies, and you'll probably find they won't be so smug in a few months' time! Try not to compare yourself to other people; if your baby is fed and clean, you're doing fine!

IT GETS BETTER

Thank you for all your messages, it really means a lot to me to hear i’m not alone! I’ve read them all twice and will probably be coming back to them in the near future.
I had an ok day today, but LO is just starting together fussy. I’ll try &keep her on the boob as long as I can, at least she’s not screaming then!
I think I feel so low also because this has been a very alienating experience. My family lives abroad, DPs quite far away so no grandparents/aunts etc available to help. My DP works all hours so I don’t feel I can leave him with a screaming child as well.
I think some of her screaming is due to being overtired, if only she would have a proper nap during the day!we are co sleeping at night now, so i get some sleep, but she is only quiet because I let her suckle on me, I’m not convinced she’s doing much sleeping. I think she might have silent reflux too - she sticks her tongue a lot, swallows heavily even a while after eating and sometimes sounds like she’s gagging. Go prescribed her with Omeprazole to see if that helps.but I t’s all so bloody hard!

Have you gone to meet any others in the same boat - like at a breastfeeding support group? Its good to chat to people at the exact same stage as you - it makes you feel less alone and forces you to leave the house for a while.

Completely agree addictive.

Have you considered trying a dummy yet if you are finding that she is comfort sucking a lot? I wasn't keen on the idea myself initially but it solved a lot of the 'colic' issues in the early days. DD also started to self settle using it as well so we stuck with it for nap/bed times and car journeys only.

Definitely don’t believe other mums who say they’re LOs sleep through the night and are on routines etc etc. Most parents tend to exaggerate slightly, and all babies are different but hearing that when you’re sleep deprived can be soul crushing. I have a friend whose LO slept much better than mine and even her genuine concern made me mad. My DD slept only in my arms for the first 8 weeks too. She eventually got the hang of the Moses basket once it was warmed with a bottle and she was gently rocked and sung to sleep etc etc. It’s all a phase and it all will pass. She’s now just over 4 months and the sleep regression has hit us hard. I just keep telling myself this too shall pass.

Just keep persisting with whatever vision you have of a good sleeper (some like cosleeping, some want baby sleeping without aids in a separate cot). It’s fine to just do whatever works, but every once in a while make a gentle push towards whatever end goal you have. She’ll eventually get there!

Dummies are also proven to reduce sids risk! I don't understand why people are so against them, they give your nipples a break, they're great. I also second the support groups ^ one in peticular has been my saviour some weeks (a lot of weeks)

Unfortunately she doesn’t like the dummy! I’m absolutely not against and we tried them a few weeks ago already. The best we get out of them is few minutes of peace, most of the time she gags on it and spits it out.
Screaming has started again and I just remembered another reason I feel inept - she’s clawing at my chest with her long fingernails as I have only once managed to cut them (the one of a handful times when she slept not on top of me)...

Dd also wouldn't take a dummy, used to make me so frustrated as (in my head) all the other contented babies had dummies.

Fast forward to now and I'm pleased she never took one as I don't have to battle to wean her off. You will get the positive one day!

Re. nails: have you tried just filing them down? I used to find this much easier and I wasn't worried about cutting her by accident.

Yes that's true re: dummy, but in this moment I would take anything that relieves me a bit, and worry about it later!
I have tried filing her nails but it takes forever and she never keeps still for long enough to do it.