Advice - Rejection / No Friends

[starwarsdad]

Hi,

Hope I'm OK posting as I'm a Dad and I know this is Mumsnet.

I'm just after some advice from more experienced Mums / Dads.

My son has just turned 5 and is currently in Reception. I'm sure every parent says this but he really is a lovely boy, he's very quiet though and although he's come on with his confidence he is still a little quiet. You see some boys and they are hyper active, screaming, shouting and fighting - this isn't my son. He loves being outdoors, climbing and running but isn't rough like some boy are, he's really caring and does lovely things like pats / rubs my back when I pick him up. I really couldn't ask for a more amazing little boy.

At school he's got a little group of friends who all attended the same childminder, he's not really made friends with anyone new and sticks with the same couple of kids.

It was his birthday party last week and we booked a soft play type of place for him, he invited all most the entire class (30 kids) out of the 30 I think maybe 10 replied saying they would attend his party, out of the 10 8 turned up and two didn't show (didn't even let me know and I'd paid for them which was annoying)

Lately he's started saying he doesn't have any friends at school and nobody will play with him. He was really close to a girl who went to the childminders but she told him last week to "go away" and another girl he was friends with wont play with him anymore.

He hasn't been crying and only mentioned it when I asked him who he'd played with today so I don't think he's that upset, I'll be honest its me thats more upset, maybe because I know what it means if someone doesn't want to play with you or attend you party.

Last night I went to bed and I was really upset and had a few tears (yes I am a big wimp)

As parents how do you cope with this sort of thing? I don't really want him see me upset as I think he'll then be upset too and I don't want to draw attention to it by being upset as at the moment he's not that upset himself.

The party may not have been that they don’t like him, it just may simply have been that the parents weren’t organised. I learned pretty quickly that you have to send out the invites with an early RSVP date and your mobile number, spend about 2 weeks chasing up all of the ones that don’t reply and remind everyone again nearer to the time.

If he’s saying that he ha#nt got anybody to play with, has he told you what he does do at break time?

As far as the party goes I think we handed out invitations out 4 weeks before and with an RSVP that was 2 weeks later. I was really surprised some people just didn’t even bother replying.

I just asked him what happens at breaks and he said he goes outside and used to play with the girl who doesn’t want to play with him anymore so he now plays with nobody (his words)

I would speak to his teacher as they really are good with making sure everyone has someone to play with. The day is very busy so a quick heads up may mean the teacher can keep an eye on him. I'm a teacher and would like to know things like this at school. They may be able to move his seat next to someone else and check he is playing with friends at break time

I don’t know if it makes much difference but me and his mum work full time so he’s dropped off and picked up from school by a childminder, with the exception of a Friday when I collect him. I’ve noticed myself all the mums seem to know each other and chat and I worry the fact we dropped him off might be why he hasn’t got friends as the mums all seem to hang out together with the kids in tow.

Thanks for the advice I will call the school tomorrow though and mention it to them

If you didn’t chase up the parents who hadn’t RSVP’d there’s a chance that they never got the invitations. This happened to us once. Not out party, DS came home with an invitation to a party that had happened about 3 months before. He insisted it had only been given to him and he was tiny so I believed him, especially as it was the end of the school year so I’m assuming they were found in a drawer or cupboard in the classroom.

If you pick him up on a Friday, could you arrange to have one of his friends over for tea on that night? Sometimes it does help with encouraging friendships. Definitely have a chat with his teacher as suggested too.

Does he do anything outside of school? My DS was never very keen on Football but loves cricket. Have you thought of trying him?

I could imagine some invitations going missing as he did hand them out himself rather than passing them to a teacher to put in book bags.

That’s a good idea, I could ask one of them round for a play date.

He goes swimming twice a week, once in a class and one private, one on one lesson. We have been looking at other after school activities, he’s only just turned 5 and a lot of the ones we looked at a few months back only accepted 5 and over but now he’s turned 5 he can attend so I’ll have to look into those more.

I wasn’t going to speak to my wife about how upset I am about it all but decided I’d mention it and while she understands why I’m upset she thinks he’s happy and isn’t bothered about the party or the fact some of his “friends” no longer want to play with him.

All Stars Cricket is god for the summer OP and I’d put him on the waiting list for Beavers too. Not all areas have waiting lists but sone do.

You wife is probably right about him being happy but it won’t hurt to make the teacher aware and have a friend around for tea

Thanks so much for your advice

Hi OP, my 7yo is very similar to your DC - he's very good and mostly quite quiet at school. In Reception he used to tell us he didn't play with anybody at school but when we spoke to the lovely TA in his class she said he played really nicely with lots of other children. He still doesn't talk very much about friends at school and when I asked his teacher about it she mentioned a really close friendship he has with a child he'd never even mentioned to us!

Hopefully it will be similar for your DC and you can reassure them once you've spoken to someone at school.