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Original poster

Something awful my mum said (rant warning)

15 replies

Lovecat · 14/05/2007 21:17

Sorry about this but the OH is away on business and I really need to get this out of my system!

As we were on our own, I took dd up to visit my parents for the weekend. Had a lovely time there, she really enjoyed going to the beach and the park and seeing her grandparents.

But we were chatting about photos and she said she really liked the ones of dd that I'd had done before Christmas, of her in a GAP sweatshirt and jeans, said they were so professional looking it was almost like an advert for GAP.

I said that a few people had commented on that and (jokingly, because I can't be doing with the faff) went on to say that several people had suggested she should go into child modelling (which they have, but I have never followed this up largely because a) I couldn't take the faff and b) although she can look adorable in photos, she has an equal chance of looking like a wispy-haired potato in drag, depending on which way the wind is blowing!).

My mum then said 'oh no, you don't want her to do that. You don't want her thinking she's something special when she's not'.

I was absolutely furious with her. I replied that dd IS something special, she's absolutely gorgeous, intelligent and lovely and I for one will never tell her otherwise. Mum then seemed shocked that I was so offended and said 'well, you don't want her to get big-headed, do you?'

I replied (the red mist having risen by this stage) that I would 100 times rather she was big-headed and vain than had low self esteem and no confidence in herself.

This really touched a nerve with me, I'm so annoyed about it - both my sister and I have rock-bottom self esteem when it comes to looks, largely because she constantly belittled us (example: when people said I looked like her she would say 'oh no, the poor thing! At least she's got a nice personality...' and my poor sister got 'what a shame you've inherited your grandfather's nose, it's so prominent') and I would NEVER put my own dd through that!

It wouldn't even occur to me to want to belittle my own daughter, I don't quite know what goes on in my mum's head ('stop showing off' and 'don't get above yourself' were constant mantras in our house when we were growing up, for very little at all - we were hardly a pair of Bonnie Langfords!) but I am NOT having her spread this poison to her grand-daughter! What is wrong with my mother that she doesn't think her children are the best thing ever, like I do with mine? She will be the first to admit she's not particularly maternal, but FFS!!!

It's taken me long enough to actually believe that I'm reasonably attractive, and even as I'm typing that I'm feeling like I'm bragging about something, which is f-ing ridiculous. Gaaah!!

I'm so upset by this, I can't believe she'd STILL be doing this, with her own grandchildren - in fact, I'd half forgotten how bad she'd been when we were growing up, til she said that.

Aaaargh! Not expecting any responses to this, I just needed to vent - the OH feels the same as I do, thankfully, but he's not here to be vented to!

Parents, eh?

OP posts:

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PandaG · 14/05/2007 21:19

I feel for you. When we wer growing up my sister was always lauded for being pretty, amd me for being intelligent. Result - my sister thinks she is thick (she is not), and I feel like the back end of a bus.

not what my parents intended, but it is what happened.

mumto3girls · 14/05/2007 21:20

Does your mother have low self esteem herself? You mention that when people compared you to her she said 'oh no poor thing...'

Iwould have been disappointedin her too, how did she react toyour rage and didyouexplain it's origins?

moondog · 14/05/2007 21:21

How dradful and lacking in thoughtfulness!
God,I would be bloody furious.

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NotanOtter · 14/05/2007 21:21

PandaG i can vouch for the fact your mum was wrong in one respect!!!

whomovedmychocolate · 14/05/2007 21:21

Crikey!

You know ALL parents do this to their kids and kids in law. It's just a way of enacting revenge for those broken nights sleep when you were a kid.

Relax, you are the mummy now. Do it your way!

Taylormama · 14/05/2007 21:21

your DD is very lucky to have a mum who thinks she is gorgeous and will tell her so ....

SenoraPostrophe · 14/05/2007 21:24

lovecat: I think you've completely misunderstood your mum. note that she didn't say "no, she's not pretty enough to be a model". she obviously just has a thing about big-headed princess types. It's not poison - I bet she never actually said you were ugly did she? lots of girls have an ugly complex - many from families who do continually tell them how beautiful they are.

Rhubarb · 14/05/2007 21:24

I had this growing up too.

My mother and her husband would watch me eat and comment on the way I chewed my food. My mother would joke in public about my lack of boobs. They never said anything nice about me.

But now I tend to tell my dd that beauty is inside as I don't want her to dwell on looks alone. There are little girls out there who look "different" for one thing or another and I want her to be able to see the beauty in them too.

So I tell her that she is beautiful and the way to get more beautiful is not by putting pretty bows in her hair or make up on, but by being kind, understanding and helpful.

PandaG · 14/05/2007 21:28

Thanks NAO . Has taken me a long time to start to get over self esteem issues. I tell my DC they are beautiful a lot, and tell them I love them, something my parents never did.

liath · 14/05/2007 21:28

I was at my Granny's a while ago with dd who was around 20 months or so & I said to her something like "What a beautiful girl you are". Granny said "You'll have to stop saying that soon as she'll understand what you're saying and get really big-headed".

I felt so so sorry for my mother and very relieved that she made a huge effort to bring us up very differently to how she had been treated by Granny (although in Granny's defence it was probably a generational thing and that was how they were encouraged to treat children back in the Dark Ages )

liath · 14/05/2007 21:30

Rhubarb, that's such a lovely thing to say to your dd - will need to remember that one .

Sakura · 15/05/2007 04:58

Lovecat, I dont actually think your mum meant to hurt you. I can see her point but she phrased it badly. When parents concentrate on a childs (especially a little girls) looks, the child can tend to become too focused on their looks. By "special", I know you took it to mean "unique" which of course she is, but I think your mum meant "big-headed". A big-headed child is not pleasant, and often has a low self-esteem because they are unsure of their value, having being used to being judged by their looks. I live in a country where my daughters looks are sought after, but I wouldnt let her do modelling for exactly the reason your mum mentioned. My daughter is beautiful (of course ) but I dont think by taking her modelling, she`s going to feel any more beautiful. It could only make her feel less beautiful, and more looks-oriented.

Original poster

Lovecat · 15/05/2007 06:34

Thanks for the responses. As I said in the OP, wasn't really expecting any, I just needed to get it all off my chest.

Can I just say that I do not think looks are the be-all and end-all, I do not constantly go on about how pretty my dd is, I have no desire to make her vain or big-headed - I think that, as Rhubarb put far better than I can, that it takes more than looking nice to make someone beautiful. I've known plenty of good-looking, vile people who've never had to develop a personality because they've traded on their appearance.

However, neither do I want to make dd feel that she is ugly, unworthy, or any of the things that my sister and I were made to feel when we were children. In response to those who think I have misunderstood my mum, I don't think I expressed it very well in the OP - my mum didn't come down on us for being vain, or big-headed, or OTT spoilt brats, she came down on us for what I now know was just us being normal children - we were incredibly repressed! And when she said that to me about dd, it was such a 'woah there!' moment - that's the sort of sniping that we CONSTANTLY had throughout our childhood and adolescence!

I think mumto3girls hit the nail on the head - my mum has very low self-esteem and, without intentionally (I hope) meaning to, has passed that on to her daughters. As liath said, I do think it is partly a generational thing (mum's 70).

Well, that cycle ends here!

OP posts:

yogimum · 15/05/2007 07:08

Lovecat I was just about to write the same, it could be a generational thing. My mothers in her 70's and was exactly like yours.

Blandmum · 15/05/2007 07:55

Mothers of that era had a particular 'style' of parenting, didn't they?

I was not a very attractive child (not very attractive now but now I don't care about it )

One day I came home from school and told Mum that I needed to have my eyes tested. I did and got glasses. the next week the dentist said I needed braces on my teeth.

These were my mothers exact words, I still remember them over 30 years later.

'You are going to look a right bloody mess with braces and glasses'

Gee thanks mum, that so built up my confidence.

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