How to decide on guardians?

[DaffodilLover]

So dh and I really need to do a will - been meaning to do it for ages but not got round to it yet.

I brought it up today and it turns out we have different opinions on who should be named as guardian if anything should happen to us.

His family are local, but he doesn't see that much of them and they are not particularly close - months can go by between visits.

My family live about 1.5 hours away but we are far closed, and I see them about every 3 - 4 weeks.

He has said it's v important to him the dc remain local, so they would be at same school, keep friends etc. And remain in the area we live in - rural and safe. Therefore he would choose his brother and partner. They only live a few miles away and I do like them.
However they have 3 children already (one who needs some additional support) and another baby on the way. They would need to move to accommodate any more Children, and I know it took them a long time to be given the house they are in now. We see them from time to time, but I wouldn't say my dc are particularly close to them, although get are very nice. DHs mum would also be nearby, and again although she is lovely she is not a particularly hands on granny.

I would choose my db and his fiance.They don't have children yet, but own their own home, good income and would have plenty of space for the dc. Also my mum would be close by. Dc are v close to my bro, his partner and especially my mum.
However it would be a move away from school etc, and into a more city environment.

I just don't want this to become a wee row about my family vs his family. Obviously whoever we ask would be able to refuse, and hopefully they would never be needed anyway!

How did you choose? And what would you say was more important?

Anyone?

I started thinking about this today too so it was a bit weird to see this post! No advice I'm afraid.
We live in England but are both Irish and pretty much all our family are either there or further abroad so I don't even know if there's more we would need to do to appoint a guardian in a different country. Baby isn't born yet, so in the short term staying local isn't an issue. But who would be the best is a big conversation we need to have.

We asked my sister to be a guardian. She lives 2 hours away, is single and has a busy job.

In the discussion we all made it clear that we weren’t asking her to change her life if we died but that she would make any decisions.

For example if the children were still young it might be that they live with my mil or if they are older they bunk up with a friend to finish school.

We also talked to the rest of the family so everyone knows what we are asking if their guardian.

Finallly, I personally don’t think you can make a decision about where they live (locally or not) what if your local guardians decide to move away!!

I've been thinking about this too. We have a not a great choice between our parents, all in their 70s, our siblings who are both single, and a number of dysfunctional extended relatives. We've proposed my DB act as guardian, not necessarily to look after DS, but to make the final decision on his behalf as to who would be best. That could be him, but he may decide that depending on where he is on life, another relative would provide a better home.

KatyN has a good final point!

It can be so hard to choose guardians for you children.

We made the decision to go with my parents first but also listed friends as a second choice.

Our choices caused some upset as neither of us listed our siblings and the dynamics of the relationship with our friends has changed so much I now regret listing them.

Looking at making some changes to this soon.

It would depend on the age of the children for me. If they are secondary age then it would sway me towards keeping them in the local area. But they (brother/sil) would have to agree and financially be able to cope. (Also I'd try and get the kids to know them better)

If the children are still little then moving them to me would seem the better choice so they had more attention and they felt more secure with their caregivers.

I think you can stipulated 2 different families under different circumstance.

I see why you are wanting to choose your DB and fiancé . It looks like they would have more time and energy to focus on your Dc. I had a similar idea in mind . My DB and his wife seemed perfect but then over the last 3 years things have changed - they’ve had 3 babies so things are pretty full on.
I can agree with what your partner is saying. Staying in the same area and same school would cause less disruption. I feel the same , as we live in a lovely area with good community . However , I’m torn because I think that it’s the emotional connection they have with someone which would help them through a tragedy. Having a person to cry with , talk with, cuddle who will support them. So I would go with the person who could truely emotionally support your DC. It’s horrible having to consider such things isn’t it? We still haven’t done our wills because of this decision of guardians and that my family live in the UK and we live in NZ.

Thanks for the replies 😊
We are still no nearer making a decision, but.you guys have raised a few good points which I hadn't considered.

umm have you asked them?

Your dh’s family may admit it’s too much. Your db may not want children.

Discuss it with them.

When you say “waited to be given the house” presumably that would be council? So you also need to think about how each family would manage financially. If you own your house it may work for your in laws to move into yours? Have you thought about a life interest in your house for in laws if they do take on guardianship?

You need to discuss it fully with both parties before you decide.