Not coping once again with 20 month old

[charlottexox]

I posted a few months ago about being unable to cope with my toddler. Well, here I am again. I thought I was doing so well, but now I am back to square one.
I contacted social services but all the suggested for me to do was contact children's centres to see if they can do anything to help me. I did go to one and all they did was suggest I put her into a nursery before she turns 2 and gets her 2 year funding.
I asked around and all the nurserys I called were between £35 and £45 a day! I do not work right now, so I am unable to afford that.
She will start nursery in September and I know she will enjoy it.
I am currently 5 months pregnant with baby #2 and suffering from spd as well as an incredibly low mood.
Everything DD does recently is irritating me and I just don't feel a connection to her like I used to. My friends have told me it sounds like I need a break, but even after my partners parents have her for the day, I dread her coming home.
I know this isn't normal to feel this way and I am currently taking antidepressants to help with my mood.

Last night after she had gone to bed, I sobbed and sobbed for over an hour because I just feel unable to cope with her behaviour right now. She smacks and at the moment has learnt a new thing of pulling from her her nappy and playing with it. On 2 occasions already this week, I have gone into her bedroom in the morning and poo has been smeared all over her bed, on the wall and on herself.
My partner works full time., 5 days a week so I do most of it on my own apart from on weekends.
I am so indecisive about to call social services again, because they never helped me last time.
I am at wits end and feel like this sadness I feel will never end.

That sounds like really hard work I'm surprised the children's centre weren't more help - mine run parenting classes that it sounds like you may benefit from as a way of reconnecting with your LO. (It's not about being a bad parent - more learning techniques to manage behaviour) Could you ask if yours do something similar?

In terms of the nappy issue, do you use a poppered vest to stop her getting at the nappy? Also Reusable nappies may be harder for them to undo. You can hire from a nappy library, or Little Bloomz are really cheap (about a fiver each on eBay or less second hand on Facebook selling sites) if you want just one to try.

Also most Nursery's have a waiting list so try to get your LO's name down now for September. Lastly can you go back to your go to discuss your low mood despite the ADs?

What do you do with her all day? She's crying out for attention. :(

Genuine question - why are you having number 2 if you can't cope with your current situation? Arrival of another baby is going to make things even worse for the toddler. Obviously too late to do anything now, but it does sound like you need help. Have you spoken to your GP?

You need to get out and about with your child. The beach. The park. Free playgroups. It's not easy. It's bloody hard - I had two of them at the same time. I've been there. But i'm not sure why you're ringing social services? GP first and make sure you are actively doing things with your child. Children are a pain when they're cooped up in the house.

Get out to play/toddler groups. At least then she will be able to play with other children and you get a bit of breathing space from being one on one with her. Have a strict routine and somewhere to go with her everyday.

You need to address this now because when the new baby comes you will find her even more challenging. If you can even afford one day or half a day in nursery when new baby comes this will give you some respite at least.

DD is down for nursery in September and has her place to start.
@StarUtopia we go for walks, go to the park, go into town for a coffee and cake and go to a mum and baby group every Wednesday.
As for your question about baby #2, it was not planned and a termination is not something I wanted to go through with.

I also do not drive and live in a small village so I am so limited in what we can do and where we can go.

star

How nasty

OP it doesn’t sound like your anti depressants are working particularly, please do go back to the GP, maybe they can change the dosage or the type.

Toddlers are hard, my youngest is that age and is pretty constant. The poo smearing definitely use a poppered vest, Tesco and Sainsbury’s do them up to size 2-3

Get a job, learn how to drive, sign your daughter up for some classes (dance, gymnastics, soccer, etc.) and also get her into daycare ASAP. Nothing is going to change unless you wake up and DO SOMETHING!!! Yes, looking after a toddler is hard but literally every mother on the planet does it and most of them enjoy it - why else would people have multiple children? Its going to be 10x more work when the new baby comes so you better get a plan in place now. I am a mother of 3 under 6 and yes being a mom to little ones is tiring and exhausting but it's also silly and fun and magical. These are the most precious years of your little daughters life and you need to wake up and be the mother that she deserves. You can do it!!

I didn’t think it was nasty, it’s a fair question given how much the OP is struggling.

You need to speak to your GP or health visitor and be completely honest. Ask them to make a referral to SS. Your daughter will eventually pick up on your feelings towards her, so you need to really work on this.

How are the antidepressants? Are they helping? Does your DH know how you feel?

@SmallBlondeMama those suggestions are well and good - but I have cerybal palsy which gets in the way of me driving.
How could I possibly also get a job when I am due another baby in October?

Maybe I should just stop reaching out for help if people are going to make comments like I'm so lazy, untrying mother.
I try my hardest with that little girl and have done since day 1.

@BifsWif thanks for your reply, I do not think my AD are working right now, have been on them for 4 years and were perfect for me at first.
My partner does know how I feel and is supportive and reminds every day I am a good mum. Although he works 5 days a week so there is only so much he can do and suggest.

Maybe it’s time for a change in medication? I know mine didn’t feel as effective after a while. Could you speak to your GP?

You are clearly a good mum, you wouldn’t be seeking support and advice if you weren’t. It’s hard, and sometimes you just have to wait it out until it gets a bit easier but I am concerned with how you’ll feel once baby is here too. Please speak to your doctor

OP it’s ok not to enjoy motherhood in parts, it really is, but the constant unhappiness is definitely a red flag. Please do reach out and please do get help

@BifswWif thank you very much I think I'm going to call my gp tomorrow morning and see if she can help me x

Thing is - 20 months old are hard work. I sympathise OP, I do. I’ve a 21 month old and I’m 8 months pregnant, love my little one to bits but some days, my god she knows how to get under my skin.

It’s ok not to cope, I’d get your meds checked out as it sounds like they aren’t working any more. Pregnancy can change your system a bit and you might need a little adjustment to help yourself.

As for strategies - getting out and about is probably the best as your not stuck looking at four walls all day and the housework. The nappy thing I have been told by former nursery workers can be due to not having enough sensory play like messy play, paint etc.. perhaps look at Pinterest for inspiration for that type of play? it’s more common than you’d think.

Hoping that you get some more support

I’m glad. Let us know how you get on

Our 22 month old does the same with her nappies, think she’s just showing us that she’s almost ready for toilet training.what has worked for us is footless bagygrows on backwards. Poppere vests are no obstacle to her.
You are doing the hardest bit, pregnant with a toddler is very hard work. Sounds like you are doing all the right things but you really are quite unwell. Go and see your gp, talk your midwife, ask for a referral to mental health. None of this is what you are doing, sounds like you are doing your best.