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Original poster

Is our time working giving 5yo separation issues?

33 replies

Pagetta · 24/04/2018 13:48

I have two DS age 1 and 5. Husband is in the military. I went back to work last June, and I work full time, so drop the boys off at 7.30 (breakkie club and childminder) pick up at 6, so don’t see much of them in the week.
We’ve not moved around with his job as until last year he was only ever based in one place, and whilst he is away a lot on and off, he hasn’t done more than a month continually away since my eldest was a toddler – BUT he is now posted over 200 miles away Monday to Thursday!
Add to this he has just had a really busy period, and from mid January until Good Friday he only had 7 days in the country. And some of them were arriving home late Saturday night / leaving early Sunday morning so he didn’t see the boys for more than half an hour.
Over Easter, he got 2 weeks off so got some good time with the boys. However during this time my eldest was given opportunity to have a sleepover at his friends house, then they would come back to ours the next night for a sleepover – something we have done in the past quite a few times. But when it came to it he got in a complete state and said he didn’t want to spend the night away from me and daddy and his little brother because he’d miss us all so much. He was crying so much he was nearly hyperventilating and it took ages to calm him down. The next day he went back and forth with deciding whether to go and in the end didn’t go, but did have her over.
I thought perhaps it was where tiredness from the school term was catching up with him, but last weekend we dropped them at my parents (who live 3 hours away but we see a lot and he adores) so we could go on a surprise date night away DH had organised. About half an hour before we left he got really upset again. It broke my heart but we calmed him down, and as we left he stood with big red eyes waving us off, trying so hard not to cry.
We also just booked a holiday – Eurocamp similar to last year - and were telling him about it and about the kids club – and he got really upset about kids club saying he didn’t want to go as he didn’t like it last year he just wanted to hang out with us.
I guess my question is – do you think this is down to DH’s comings and goings and not being around, and also the fact I work full time? Or is this more developmental and quite common for them to get so emotional at around 5 and a half?
Is there anything anyone would suggest to help him not be so distraught? He is a confident, fun little boy with lots of friends and very sociable (he was voted in as Vice Chair of the Pupil Governor board by class mates in his first term in reception so I have no worries about how he is mixing with kids (sorry for the brag I’m dead proud ha!)!)
Any advice or thoughts appreciated - thank you :-)

OP posts:
InDubiousBattle · 24/04/2018 13:56

Given that the extreme reaction occurred when he was having a night away then yes I think it has everything to do with missing his dad. Have I read this right op, your dh has only had 7 days with them this year, some of those only half an hour, then when he comes back for 2 weeks your ds was expected to spend one of them at a friends and another at his grand parents? Have I mis-read it?

InDubiousBattle · 24/04/2018 13:58

Is there any way you can reduce your hours?

HarryLovesDraco · 24/04/2018 14:01

It's not 'separation anxiety' it's just a child's normal reaction to missing both their parents. I'm afraid that as your husband's job takes him away so much you shouldn't be working what amounts to 12 hour days. They aren't seeing you at all during the week - that's not ok for small children.

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Sprinklesinmyelbow · 24/04/2018 14:07

Harry I disagree with that because if OP was a single parent that’s how life would be. I think the issue is more about the father being “there” but not present if that makes sense

OP I don’t know how anyone copes with military life tbh. Do they offer any support as an employer?

Original poster
Pagetta · 24/04/2018 14:17

he wasn't expected to spend the night away at all - its just he and his best friend don't go to the same school, so school holidays are a good opportunity for them to do sleepovers and get together - its something we have always done - I wouldn't expect him to spend two weeks solid with us and not see his friends over easter if I'm honest.

And we have tried not to make a big thing of 'YAY DADDY'S HOME' as its so unreliable when he'll be home and when he won't, that we try to make the comings and goings as 'normal' as possible. This next two weeks, for example, he is home as he is working locally - and we can't make it party time every time daddy's home as that would become really disruptive to both of their sleep and routine and school etc.

And yes he was expected to spend one night at his grandparents. He's not just a dad he's a husband and we felt we needed a night too.

No I can't reduce my hours - working full time isn't my first choice but it is what it is at the minute. We have a mortgage to pay, so its about finding the right job that balances income and family life.

It's just really tough - and id just find advice on reassuring an emotional five year old helpful - perhaps from any other military spouses on here who must struggle with similar!

OP posts:
InDubiousBattle · 24/04/2018 14:31

My ds is 4.4 so a bit younger but can be a bit....emotional. He will sometimes get very upset by something I see as silly but is clearly important to him. However it's infrequent, usually tiredness related and with a bit of reassurance he's ok.

I totally understand not wanting to upset their routine etc but surely when their dad had been away so much away the start of the year a bit of 'yay! Daddy's home! ' is entirely appropriate? Perhaps next time your in laws could come to you to baby sit when the kids have gone to bed? I would re assure your ds that he won't have to go to holiday club where you go away. Does he get much time with you or his dad alone?

Original poster
Pagetta · 24/04/2018 14:38

Yes that's true about him being away - I guess it's such the norm that we have tried just to crack on with things - we did make a big deal on those few days he was home in between but maybe a bit more fanfare would help when he's got time off.

On weekends (when he's here) daddy takes him to rugby and swimming, I do walks into town and to see people with them, and we take turns on story time and bath time so we get time with them. We have taken to giving the older one a dedicated story time after little bro is in bed as well, which has definitely gone down well.

OP posts:
pinkhorse · 24/04/2018 15:58

I think it all sounds too much for such young children. They don’t see their parents much at all.

I’m not sure you should have sent your child on sleepovers with friends, granny etc when daddy is home. He barely sees daddy. It’s understandable that he wants to spend every second possible with him when he’s back. Also is there a reason you are sending them to kids club on holiday, do you not want to enjoy every precious family time moment?

Your child is trying to tell you something and you need to think about how you can deal with it. I understand that you have bills to pay etc but it’s currently not working for your child.

Fifi5000 · 24/04/2018 19:56

Agree with the above. This is really difficult for you but your child is telling you what the problem is. Somehow he needs more time with his parents.

Cornishclio · 24/04/2018 21:13

It sounds like he is missing your DH and you a lot given you work long weekdays and your DH is away such a lot. Understandable though when your DH is in the military and lots of people have to work full time for financial reasons but it sounds like it is not working for your elder son at the moment.

When your DH is at home I would get him to spend as much one on one time as he can which it sounds like he is but I maybe would not organise sleepovers for him while his dad at home particularly as he is still so young. I would not make a thing about kids club either as he must be getting the idea that you are always sending him away. Maybe he might feel more like it when he sees what fun they are having in the kids club. On holiday though it might be better to have more family time as it seems to be in short supply especially as he did not like it last year.

It is not easy to raise kids when you work as much as you and your DH do and when he is older I am sure he will cope much better. At 5 though he is still very little.

Loandbeholdagain · 24/04/2018 21:19

Poor boy. I imagine the unpredictable nature is particularly hard. Is there any way you can have a visual calendar/count down to next seeing daddy? Or even could you drop your hours?
It sounds utterly heartbreaking for you OP.

pitterpatterrain · 24/04/2018 21:24

Can they stay in touch with him when he is away- like voice messages on WhatsApp or sending pictures? Does that help or hinder?

I travel but mainly 1-3 nights away in the week so find eldest DC (4) wanting more talking time or just being in the same room when I am around

Could also be a bit of age though, we are finding that the eldest is getting so much more aware of me being away / where I have gone etc in a way that when she was younger it seemed that she noticed less. Do others at school have parents who travel / are away? I think now DD realises more now that not all parents travel each week

HarryLovesDraco · 24/04/2018 23:30

If the op was a single parent those hours would still be too long.

OptimisticHamster · 24/04/2018 23:34

If she can’t change her hours then that’s not helpful. It is what it is.

However I would take a look at what you do when your husband is around - no need for very young children to have sleepovers, and I do say this as someone who hasn’t got a babysitter but I also don’t think you neeeeeeed date night to the point that you send your son away for it - get a babysitter once he’s asleep instead?

My husband works long hours and is away a few times a year and even with just that my 7yr old will act up and never wants to sleep when he could spend time with us. It’s hard but they’re only little.

HarryLovesDraco · 24/04/2018 23:37

If she can't change her hours then she or her husband should probably look at a career change so that one or both of them can be around more for the children. 12 hours a day in childcare is just really bad for such young kids. There is no avoiding that fact.

converseandjeans · 24/04/2018 23:38

Sorry to be judgmental but there is no way I would expect my kids to do 7.30-6.00 with a childminder. It's longer out the house than most adults who work. They probably just want to be home so they can relax.
Why use kids club when the kids hardly see their Dad? Can't you do stuff together as a family on hols? Doesn't DH want to reconnect with the kids? When you have kids it's kind of expected that you won't get much couple time or time relaxing either at home or on hols. They are only little for such a short time - mine are 8 & 10 now and much more independent.
Do you have to work so many hours, or could you manage financially on a bit less?

Sprinklesinmyelbow · 25/04/2018 09:44

Well that’s the point of childminders. They have to cover the hours the parent works plus the parent travelling back and forth from work to the childminders.

HarryLovesDraco · 25/04/2018 10:37

I've never left my kids longer than 9 hours in a day because I limit my work options to 30 minutes commute and 8 hour days. I'm not trying to be judgemental in any way but that's the choice you need to make when you have kids. Very long days and commutes are out of the question for a while. I apply that to both parents in this case btw, the father is as much responsible for choosing a career that takes him away from his children.

Sprinklesinmyelbow · 25/04/2018 11:29

If you do 8 hour days and 30 minutes each way commute that’s still 9 hours isnt it?

It’s not always practical to keep to short hours and there are many children cared for in excess of 9 hours a day. Otherwise we’re getting into the realms of surgeons, anaesthetists, nurses etc not being able to do standard hospital shifts, as well as the less worthy jobs that parents do.

I agree you reduce and consolidate where you can, but certainly for senior work in many locations choosing jobs within a 30 minute commute wouldn’t be practical. I have 45 minutes and that’s a compromise I made when I had children but also I was really really lucky the position came along!

clarabellski · 25/04/2018 11:42

Wow, kinda wishing I hadn't read this thread as I'm clearly damaging my son for life...Confused

OP both my OH and I work full time (admittedly both locally) but we had less than a handful of nights out alone together since DS came along 2 years ago (and those nights out were important things like weddings). However, we do have 'date nights' in the house where one of us will cook a fancy meal etc. Perhaps that is an idea to help your relationship with your OH whilst not disrupting the little ones too much (assuming they sleep in the evenings of course!)?

Original poster
Pagetta · 25/04/2018 13:22

Wow. Forgive me I did not know about this 9 hour rule…
We should let all the armed forces, emergency services, doctors, nurses, lawyers, CEOs, and anyone who lives more than 30 minutes from the office know not to have children immediately.
Thanks MNs for taking the time to reply. But wow – not one iota of support or advice for me about how to deal with a 5 year old who is experiencing new emotions about daddy being away, except to lambast my life choices – choices you know nothing about.
Its not ‘heartbreaking’ for DS , but it’s a worry – I’m a worried mum looking for a bit of advice just wanting to do the best for my children, which is why most people come on here.
I am a mum first, and always will be and my children are my absolute priority. But I’m also a person with a career, a marriage – both of which I make sacrifices in daily for my kids, but both of which I still work hard at and I won’t apologise for that.
We all do what we think and hope is best for our kids and that’s different for everyone.

OP posts:
converseandjeans · 25/04/2018 13:33

Pagetta sorry if I came across as judgmental - but it just seems like he is sad because he just wants to hang out with you & DH. I can't really think of any advice other than to try and spend more time with him & perhaps on hols just ditch the kids club.
Some kids love that kind of thing & that's fine. Some kids are also fine with being at childminders for long hours. However the way you have described things he is feeling a bit unsettled. I think most kids would prefer to spend time with their parents than a childminder/nanny - make the most of it. In 10 years he won't want to be seen anywhere near you!
I don't think anyone is expecting you to be a SAHM - but maybe try and re-jig working hours a bit? I don't think it's unusual if you have one parent who works long hours in forces/NHS etc. to have the other partner a bit more on hand for the day-to-day stuff. It doesn't have to be the Mum - even grandparents would do but it sounds like yours are a bit of a distance. Perhaps they could come down more often and pick him up from school?

Cornishclio · 25/04/2018 15:02

Actually I read quite a lot of advice there although admittedly quite a lot of judgement too. You asked a question though as to whether it is developmental for his age or if it was due to being in childcare a lot and your DH hardly ever being around. Most felt it was the latter although at age 5 my two girls would not have been ready for sleepovers and my DH did not work away normally and I worked part time so I wonder if you are just expecting a bit too much of him for his age.

In a few years time your kids will hopefully want to be off playing in kids clubs or off on sleepovers (mine did not start that until aged 8 or 9 but times have changed maybe). At the moment though your son is saying he does not feel he wants to do that. I would take your cue from him.

HarryLovesDraco · 25/04/2018 15:07

What do you want people to say?
Yes of course many careers require long and unsociable hours but for those people who have children they usually work out arrangements whereby their children spend plenty of time with one or other parent, or even grandparents. It seems obvious to me that a 5 and 1 year old who spend 12 hours per day with nobody in their family are going to feel unsettled and sad. Either that or their relationships with their parents will be affected.
I'm not particularly an advocate for SAHPs much beyond a year old and I certainly don't think older school age children need a parent at home all the time but when you have one parent that works away for months on end and the other out of the house for 12 hour days you're going to have somewhat unhappy children.

StormTreader · 25/04/2018 15:26

3 hours driving to your parents sounds tiring for a 5 year old, then after all that you went away with his dad who hes barely seen and probably missed a lot and left him behind. No wonder he was upset.

You said when his dad is there, hes taking him to swimming and rugby. That's lovely but its still taking him to spend time with other people. How much time does he get to just hang out with his dad and have 1-2-1 time with him?