I want to put my high functioning autistic boy up for adoption.

[Ityoj]

I have a 4 year old boy that is on the spectrum and a 3 year old Nero typical girl. I just can't cope to look after him. His needs requires a family that does not have a sibling so they can give him all the attention.
He has extreme OCD and is very demanding. I feel for his sister as she has never been given any attention and witnesses his meltdowns which must impact her.
My husband works long hours and on the weekends he cannot cope either. We live a miserable life and stay in our house 95% of the time because of how difficult he may be in public. I don't get to have a life because of him and we share no family fun outings, we just exist. We constantly feel as though we are treading on egg shells as he might flip out over the smallest of of things and then we will have to deal with a 3 hour trantrum. It has effected my relationship with husband to the point we are on the vergue of a divorce.
We have tried to get help in the house but it didn't work as all my attention went on him and the nanny looked after my daughter. So this meant my daughter was out on the back seat. This didn't make me or my daughter feel any better as I'm still having to feel the stress he is causing the family.

We have funds to get all the help we want but realistically, if he is still living in the house he is still effecting the family negatively.

I haven't discussed this with my husband and I know he will not want to do this. But he doesn't have to deal with him day in day out.
I know he is happy for him to go to boarding school but in don't think this will be good for my son in the long run.

My son causes me so much stress and anxiety that all the family is effected by him.
He is a lovely boy and doesn't mean to be difficult.
I do feel I cannot provide for him anymore and he deserves a family that can.

I do feel terrible for how I feel and I know hes my son and I should be able to deal with him, but I just can't.
I love him so very much and it's heartbreaking that I'm even writing this.

I wonder if there has been anyone in my situation?

Boarding school can actually be good. I worked with adults with learning disabilities and some had been to residential schools. Their parents said it helped the child no end, helped with independence, firm boundaries etc etc and saved a couple of marriages!

I would look at a residential school and speak to the gp about antidepressants so you can cope. You have to cope. He didn't ask to be autistic. If you give up on him he doesn't stand a chance.
I have 2 boys woth autism and have been to Drs many times to have my antidepressants upped so that I do hope. I have 2 daughter's too who yes have a back seat most days but I make up for it when I can. My boys are violent and we never go out anywhere so we embrace the autism and live an autism life of playdoh kinetic sand YouTube and meltdowns.
If you give him up imagine the feeling every morning when you wake up wondering where he is, What he's doing. Could you live with that?
Unfortunately life often throws us a crap hand if we see it that way. I see it as a challenge that I will always win. Positive. I couldn't imagine 1 night away from my boys and would never give up on them. I used to sit and cry every day. Then realised I need to accept the lufe he can cope living and I have to live that life too. Once you do that it's easier. Our life has to be on hold for them. Their our babies and they need us.

My kid is also high functioning but I didn’t find out until she was 16. Because she was my first born and 5 years between her and her sister I didn’t pick up she was different from other kids, her ocd is drawing constant..help we got was Camhs and kitt team..
The social work won’t put your kid up for adoption but they may offer you help..like support groups ect..and look into respite care as well..your kid goes away for a night or few days to give you and your family breathing space..call up social work and ask them for help and advice and look into respite

I have two autistic boys, our lives are ruled and dictated by them. I’m sorry things are difficult, can you get some respite care so that you can do one on one with your daughter?

We divide and conquer a lot of the time in my house.

Have you done any training on autistic children, does he have any therapy, what are his triggers , ??
Do you have any friends who have autistic children
Have you joined in any groups ?

Is there local help day centres for children with autism ?

So hard to do and tbh with you on considering giving him up .. It will cause him considerable trauma that he will never get over.. My child who is now 28 was violent towards siblings all the time I felt as though I was a boxing referee I found it taxing on the family from age 2 to 15 as I had him removed as the violence became a life/ death situation.. I tried many different things recommended by professionals but now years later none of it worked... My son does not want anything to do with me bc I put him in foster care doesn't feel love, feels angry and worthless and rejected even though he knows how violent he was his feelings of being sent away remain..
There are things you can put into place to make it easier.. A mentor, a disability worker, a support worker etc Also make his room dark with low light with a radio in background on low remove lots of stimuli in room keep it simple ..

Boarding school would probably be a good idea here most autistic people thrive in a routined environment that is just not achievable at home. Does he have a social worker? The children with disabilities team in your area could probably recommend respite centres or you could hire a nanny/ personal assistant for your son. If you really can't manage then you should know that it isn't easy to give up your parental rights and it is most unlike that a 4 year old would get adopted particularly one with additional needs. He would most likely end up in foster care.

I have no experience in this but read your post and felt for you so much.

Do you have any close friends or family that may be able to agree to take him for an afternoon or a day every week or every other week? If you had a few you could have some one on one time with dd?

Do you think it might get easier when he starts school? The schools for children with disabilities in my area have no ends for the support they offer and he may thrive with the social interaction and routine, also having to respond to other adults.

I know the next comment may sound insensitive but I have a ds without additional needs who has just turned 5 and he is incredibly challenging at the minute which I'm putting down to him being male and the stage he is at age wise - I fully understand how entirely different your situation is, I just wanted to make the point that it is a difficult age anyway so what you are coping with is amazing and you may be on the cusp of hopefully having some support.

I'm sorry if that sounded insensitive

Thank you ALL for those who responded to me.
Since then I found out my ASD son also has PANS which means he was sick and his brain was inflamed and caused him to act this way. Basically he was 100x worse than he was being his normal ASD self.
It was a complete nightmare but after rounds and rounds of testing it has come to light that he has a sick body. He's better than he was back in April.
He is still difficult and I'm still thinking of putting him into boarding school. I just put up another post about it so I have given it a lot of thought.

I don't think I can put him up for adoption but I think I would like him to go boarding school.

One of you said that your 5 year old is difficult... maybe it's the age and is worse by is ASD.

I really regret having kids, probably the worst mistake I have made. It's nice if they are healthy with no issues but you never think you will have a child with issues which throws all your dreams of being a parent, (it has for me, if not others).
But, it is a duty that I have and I will get through this. Only another 4 years before boarding school! Hoping those years fly by!! :) ... feeling a bit more positive :)

Do you live in London? Could you hire a nanny who’s job it is to care for him so that you are able to spend some time with your daughter too? Glad to hear it’s getting better.