How do I keep our house calmer?

[FailingMyKids]

I feel our house is a noisy loud mess most of the time. Especially on weekends. If it not our 4yr old being shouty it’s the baby (13mths) crying or worse me and their dad niggling and then shouting at each other. 4yr old is so so loud, doesn’t listen and just tried to negotiate with us all the time. He’s brilliantly behaved at relatives and nursery though can be very loud when playing there which they are apparently reminding him to use normal voice. Totally lost control of him and me and their dad just are sleep deprived and he gets stroppy as feels I nag him. I think we all need to be calmer and kinder as obviously it’s a bad example for kids. I just don’t know how other families always seem to calm and lovely and I’m at stage I’m embarrassed to go out in our street as we so noisy. I am also finding myself loosing my temper more and more with stresses up tension. I’ve really yelled at 4yr old couple of times and know I’m out of control (again also know bad example!!) any ideas? Parenting tips? How to keep myself in check? Totally struggling here.

i Would have to go out. Somewhere children are expected to be noisy like a park and then not worry too much. Then only shout when something is dangerous, not for any command. To get your son’t Attention our your hand in his shoulder rather than shout.
And if you’re both so sleep deprived, are you taking it in turns to take the children out for a few hours while the other one sleeps??

Get out the house and let the 4?year old run off some energy!

How do the children sleep? I fond calmness starts with getting enough sleep.

Next important after sleep, to me, is routine, structure and predictability. So get up at the same time every day, have meals at the same time and bedtime at the same time.

I broadly split my day into sections:

• "Before School" - where the focus is getting dressed, breakfast and ready to leave the house (or do something at home) by 8.30am (even on weekends)
• "Morning" - is 9am-12pm and will involve an activity or trip somewhere.
• "Afternoon" is from 1pm, after a 12pm dinner, through to 3.30pm. It will also doing something productive (usually housework)
• "After school" - is 3.30-5.30 and is our quiet time. Doing homework, reading, watching TV or YouTube videos. I will be preparing dinner to eat at 5.30
• "Evening" is after dinner to bedtime. In my house it involves various sports clubs because I have older children too.

By dividing my day into routines and predictable chunks, in makes for ensuring there are times each day to be productive and do stuff, other times for calm and quiet.

Sleep.

Get out of the house. Every day.

Divide and conquer - 2 parents, 2 children. Go off and have 1:1 time.

Recognise when everyone is knackered and there are flash points. If you’ve been out all day and people are tired, 4.30pm is the time to put paw patrol on, not to try and be Mary poppins.

Good advice here, particularly getting out (eg park) and routine.

Don't agree to any of his "negotiations". Kids often don't listen. Limit when you tell him to do things to when it's really necessary, and then back it up. I used the naughty step with all mine when they were that age. It meant I could mean business without losing my temper. They had to sit on the step for one minute for every year of their age. When I first used it, DC would run off constantly and I'd go, pick her up and put her back on the step. All I'd say is: you have to stay here for X minutes. Once they knew I meant business and it was working, it was an excellent way to get breathing space and perspective! Then, when the time was up, I'd go and tell them what they'd done wrong. They had to say sorry and then we'd have a quick hug.

Thanks for all the replies. Getting out is good plan. I tend to become a hermit when things are stressing me out and also worry what others think of my parenting in public (daft I k ow as no one is interested!) Weekends when their dad is here we go out but no plans and often drive to get youngest nap which is really unfair on oldest but I’m so done in by weekends I can’t even think straight. Routine is good idea too. I have one more now oldest at nursery but could tighten up and follow more on weekends as apart from bedtime routine goes a stray weekends or holidays. I have nice kids I know I do. They just need better more communicative parents. I end up too tired to talk in evenings to DP about it all and weekends I feel stressed with way he deals with situations so that creates lots of tension which winds kids up. Arrrgg I can see it’s me and dp that need to sort ourselves out. Thanks

Create yourself a timetable. Do you have a library near you? They often have free rhyme time classes on. Find a local playgroup or even just get a list of 5 “go to” places - it doesn’t matter if you get a bit sick of them, but it removes the element of having to think about it.

So mine are:

Park at top of street
Park a few minutes away
Big park in next town if morale is low
Year pass for local attraction
Soft play that has free WiFi and good coffee
Anything national trust based (we have 3 good ones close by).

The beauty of annual passes is a) if you take a picnic you can get your money out of them and b) you don’t feel like you need to go for hours every time. So what if you go and spend an hour there? It doesn’t matter because you’ve not paid a fortune. Also, I feel a bit like I’m winning the more times I go so I feel like I’ve achieved a bit!

Also, do you have a cinema near you that does a weekend kids club? Ours is £2.50 for all tickets at 10am on the weekend. Maybe one of you could take the eldest?

Get DH to walk them to the park next Saturday and the library. This will give you a couple of hours off and you can return the favour on Sunday..

Will DC2 nap in their cot? If so, could you get a nice lunch together while they are out on Saturday then put them in their cot after lunch and this should give you a couple of hours to do something with DS.

Is DS getting enough exercise? I know you say you don’t like going out but boys do need tonnes of exercise. They also need to get put at least twice a day, much easier now it’s warm and the nights are lighter. If you’ve got a garden, would DH play Cricket/Football/Rugby with him? Could one of you take him swimming or for a long walk while the baby naps at the weekend?

Are you doing anything to tackle LOs Sleep? My DS was exhausting at 13 months and I found the No Cry Sleep Solution helped

As for keeping calm I’m not brilliant at it myself, but I do tend to keep calmer the less we have planned and the more we relax. I’ve not read this book but it’s often recommended on here. Maybe download the free sample on the kindle app and see if you like it? Must make a mental note to do that myself

Getting out with specific plans (park, library, feed the ducks - simple things) does make things easier.

Wow thanks so much. Lots of good ideas and love the keeping it simpler approach. We have lovely walks near our home and ok parks and duck pond short drive away. Yet we always seem to go for miles and mile on weekends aimlessly to find a “big” park or adventure area. I think we need to reassess our lives! The timetable idea sounds good too. Might keep me focused for 4yr olds sake in getting out and doing something.