Child's father wants his very new girlfriend to be involved in every visit with her.

[Pearl0876]

I have an almost 10 year old daughter with my ex, we have pretty much shared custody and got along well since she was born. She would spend about 3 nights at his home, we spent christmas/birthdays together, it was all pretty amicable..

Last year my daughter got attached to his girlfriend and her niece, they were introduced very quickly, it ended badly and my daughter was left upset.

However in January, he explained he had a new girlfriend, they'd been together for less than a month and he wanted our daughter to meet this woman, I though it was too soon so said so.

A month later this woman had already moved into his home so I felt pushed to allow them to meet even though I still thought it too soon, I asked her father to spend the days he normally would spend with our daughter alone and that she could sleep over one night a week and spend a day with him and his new partner, so they could get to know each other,

He told me then that she has a child that now lives with his grandma and that she doesn't see much of right now..

This raised alarm bells for me but when i asked for more of an expiation to calm my worries i was told it was none of my business.

I am now constantly told I am upsetting and causing them both stress by saying she is a bad parent and that I am keeping my daughter from her father(which i havn't done) I just wanted to be reassured and I constantly offer him opportunities to come take her out or see her at my house. But he refuses to leave his girlfriend home to come see her. (They're in their late 20s and early 30s. would you believe) He feels like I have no reason to restrict his girlfriend spending time with our daughter.

They've been together about 4 months now and have only just shed light on why she left her son (nothing abusive or anything)

But I still feel like it's far too soon for her to be there constantly and the fact she now lives in his house makes it impossible for me not to restrict how many nights she spends there. He obviously feels like they will last forever, but 4 months in, I'm not convinced and I just want them to take things slowly with my daughter. In case it does go sour and she is left hurt again.

She also expressed that she's upset that they no longer do some of the things they used to alone. although when he questioned her, she wouldn't confirm, I just don't think she wants to upset anyone, which I feels so bad about as she should be the priority here.

Am I being crazy? Or selfish. He genuinely can't seem to understand my concerns.

He has also suggested that I have "issues" and "insecurities" and this is truly down to my hatred of his girlfriend. I genuinely don't have ill feelings towards her, i was just worried because of the facts he gave me about her. I was also welcoming with his last girlfriend so i don't see why he would think this.

I also have a partner of 7 years (who only moved in with us after 3 years of slow and steady) we have a 3 year old child now too.

I wouldn't be happy about any of that so YANBU.

The issue is there isn't much you can do about it, I would explain to DD (if she is a mature 10) that her dad and gf haven't known each other very long yet, so they may end up in a relationship like you and your DP, or they may end up not staying together. I wouldn't ordinarily but it sounds like some preparation could help after she took it badly with the last break up.

I would explain to her dad that its up to him what he does (to avoid a hostile reaction) but that you feel he needs to know shes saying she misses time alone with him.

I would personally have it as 1 night a week overnight too so she has a more stable environment as her main home.

Who she spends time with when she’s with her dad is only up to him.

It sounds like you have some concerns about the new girlfriend but you’ve discussed them with your ex and if you consider him a safe responsible adult to spend time with his daughter, which must be the case since shared care has been in place for many years, you have to trust him to make decisions, including who he lives with and dates and who his child sees.

If you try and limit contact he might get a contact order (assuming you don’t already have one) getting the existing pattern formalised and the court won’t care that you don’t like the sound of your ex’s girlfriend.

It's not that I don't like the sound of his new partner at all. It's how soon this has happened and I worry what affect its having on my child's happiness.

We talked about if this situation when his last relationship ended and he reassured me he would take more time next time.

I just fear a constant welcoming of new girlfriends, coming and going.

I don't want to prevent him from seeing his child at all.

We don't have a contact order but I've offered to go to mediation or have an informal person talk with us so we can try to understand each other better.

I wouldn’t be happy about it but sadly there’s nothing you can do. The best thing you can do is explain to your DD (who should have some understanding at her age) that her dad’s girlfriend might not always be around because, as she learnt with his ex and with you two, grown up relationships don’t always work out. That way she will hopefully be more prepared if it does happen.