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Parenting

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Original poster

Making a mess of it

16 replies

WinkyWinkola · 13/05/2007 19:03

This is just the worst weekend ever. Constant rain hasn't helped.

I just can't seem to cope with new baby (six weeks), 2 year old DS and DH at the moment.

I'm exhausted and it would appear that when I am this tired, I am a total witch from hell. I say vile things to everyone and generally find it extremely difficult to be pleasant.

Today I told DH where to go and that I wanted to be alone for a week. I told DS he's a horrible brat when he screamed in the car for 40 mins despite my offering water, food, music etc. Turns out he wanted his shoes on. When did I start expecting a two year old to be rational?

I just want to run off , find a dark cave and sleep for a week. If I don't, I think I'll go barmy.

Poor DH. He's tired out too but doesn't feel the need to say horrible things. Poor DS too. He's only two but I'm so snappy and unloving towards him at the moment. He'll grow up feeling rejected and suchlike issues.

Of course I feel guilty now DS is in bed (without any supper - his choice and without a breastfeed - my choice) and DH has stomped off to get a Chinese. It's not my guilt they need though, is it? Please does anyone have any advice to get through this? I don't feel any better for getting this off my chest!

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Idreamofdaleks · 13/05/2007 19:06

How are you going to get some rest, who can give you a break?

lulumama · 13/05/2007 19:06

i imagine you are absolutely exhausted , which does not help

can you get help with childcare at all for your toddler?

help with cooking, cleaning, that sort of thing so you can concentrate on your children?

TheGoddessBlossom · 13/05/2007 19:14

you are not making a mess of it. You are just in the dark days of the new baby, when you are totally knackered and everything looks shit. It isn't - it just looks like that. Ease off on yourself a bit, DS1 won't remember anything, DH will forgive you and the baby will get bigger and older and easier, and life will take the shape of something approaching normal again i promise. Been there honey - it does get better I promise.

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sunnysideup · 13/05/2007 19:15

I don't know if I dare say this but your hormones are all over the place I'm sure, and that makes it very difficult to cope.

Your ds will not grow up feeling rejected. This is a short term situation, you won't have a six week old and a toddler forever!

Can you get someone to help with the house and cooking for a while so that you just have to deal with the children? Can your dh take your ds on some weekend 'days out' for a while so that you only have to deal with the baby? Could be some lovely ds and dad time, if your dh made the most of it...

above all do not expect too much of yourself. Your dh doesn't feel the need to make comments because he hasn't been pregnant and given birth and breastfed a newborn and toddler with all the attendant hormonal changes....you are in an 'extreme' place right now that your dh, while no doubt tired, simply isn't. x

pickledpear · 13/05/2007 19:19

this is not for sympathy but put yourself in my position
i had newborn and 5 7 girls and alone no family no partner so how did my older girls feel when all love went to baby who was a dream thank god but when he got all attention they went off rails in my eyes and were told to go to bed no story no tucking in till baby asleep etc as they had no other adult to have a hug from
now when baby was about 6mths and my hormones had calmed down how guilty did i feel about how i treated them
I promiose it does get better in the morning give son a big hug he just missing having you all to himself

milkymill · 13/05/2007 19:25

Things will get better. Things will get better. Things will get better!!! This must have been the hardest few months ever with my 2 (dd 2yrs and ds 9mths) It is honestly hard work, but emotionally so much easier now. Try to remember this won't last, you are a great mother, and your son loves you very much and will not ever remember these comments/moods. Try not to dwell on the day and start each day afresh.

Original poster

WinkyWinkola · 13/05/2007 19:58

Thank you for all your very kind words and advice.

I still feel cack though and I'll look forward to the time when it does get better.

The thing is it's not as if I'm doing loads of housework anyway (one blitz a week) and I only cook one big meal a day, making sure DS has his share for lunch the next day. So why is it so hard? Is it really hormones still six weeks later? Obviously the lack of sleep is a massive factor. I'm starting to wish I'd weaned DS off bfing months ago.

DS is only a little kid and I know why he's being tricky because he feels completely threatened by the new baby. And yet I'm still unable to keep being consistently loving and kind towards him. It seems rotten for him.

DH, well, I guess can look after himself for awhile and he does his best taking DS off etc. I should count my lucky stars he's not run off himself!

Thank you again for reassuring me I'm not the only one who struggles!

OP posts:

Guitargirl · 13/05/2007 20:49

Even if you were doing zero housework and zero cooking, looking after a 2-year old and a 6-week old is exhausting in itself! Of course, you are bound to feel a little snappy sometimes. If you are bf your DS then presumably you are bf your DD as well? That's a full-time job without anything else, you are doing brilliantly and giving your DS such a gift - no need to feel guilty at all, being snappy occasionally is only human!

As for your worries about your DS growing up to feel rejected, since my DD was born, my Mum has told me plenty of stories of when I was a baby and toddler and she was impatient with me or found it difficult to cope with sleepless nights, etc. Needless to say I have absolutely NO memory of this whatsoever and would have no idea about it if she hadn't told me.

Flamesparrow · 13/05/2007 20:57

I have no real advice except to say - I have been where you are sooo many times (normally sobbing into mn - sometimes as me, sometimes as my namechangin name).

You are doing fine. We all go through this.

In a few weeks you will be all happy and enjoying it and feel foolish... then it will slump and you'll feel like this again.

You have a new baby, and do you remember how it felt when you were first learning to be a mum? Well you are now learning to be a mum of 2 - an entirely different job.

It takes time, but it does get better

Have a cuppa and relax.

Malaleche · 13/05/2007 21:04

don't expect your hormones to have settled after 6 weeks - the first month after dd2 was born seemed ok, months 2,3,4 and half of 5 were utter hell, i wanted to die and take everyone with me, and i think it was definately hormone related. dd2 now 8 mo, dd1 3.8yo, and things are a lot easier.
I know it doesnt help much to hear it again but things will get better and time will fly. In the meantime do try to take things one hour at a time and make sure dp is aware of how you feel and try and get some practical help.

3littlefrogs · 13/05/2007 21:29

I had my first two 2 years apart. We had just moved house 4 weeks before ds2 was born.
I put DH and ds1 in one bedroom, and ds2 and I slept in the other. That way, at least Dh and ds1 slept. Dh at least then had the energy to take ds1 out at the weekends.

I employed a cleaner for a few weeks. She was a really nice girl with school age children, and when I was really desperate, instead of cleaning, she would mind the children for a couple of hours so I could sleep.

A friend who was studying locally volunteered to come for dinner a couple of evenings a week - she brought the food with her and cooked it, and then helped with bedtime. (DH was working 120 hors a week at that stage, so wasn't getting home till 10ish).

Does any of that seem possible for you to do?

It did get better - somehow you muddle through. Is there anybody who could just come and look after los so you could have a nap?

kbaby · 13/05/2007 21:55

It will get easier honest. My only bit of advice is if possible try and get more sleep. Could your DH take them both out somewhere on a sunday morning so you could at least get an extra hr or 2 sleep.
There is 2 yrs between my 2 and tiredness made/makes me so short tempered I know from DS newborn days that I regretted ever having 2 but now 9 months on we have more good days than bad.

Get some rest and things will seems better and your DS not half as trying.

ScottishMummy · 13/05/2007 22:04

WinkyWinkola aww shame It is bloody difficult and we all say and snap horrid nasty things we dont mean

can DP take the toddler and baby out so u can get a sleep- recharge ur batteries..have a long soak in bath bit of peace

incrementally i guess things will improve - i dint know i have one and im whacked

good luck

macmama73 · 13/05/2007 22:08

Ditto, the advice the others have already given you.

I was the same after the birth of ds, a 2year old to look after and no family or friends in the area where we lived. It was a hellish time and I now feel sad that I didnt enjoy the first months of ds life as I did his big sisters first months. But, that is just the way it is with a 2nd child.

A neighbours girl used to take the baby out for an hour so I could spend some time with dd, so she didnt feel too neglected. And getting dh to take them both to the park was brilliant, I caught up on some sleep then.

One word of warning, I eventually went to the docs as I felt it wasn't getting any better and she diagnosed Post-natal depression. I spent a week at my mils house, being pampered and had a course of tablets (hormones, I think, can't remember exactly) and felt much better after that.

Speak to your hv about it if you feel that you need some help. I had a home help come in for a month (don't know if that is possible in uk, we are living in Germany)

PetitFilou1 · 14/05/2007 12:49

I would like to second what Flamesparrow said about parenting two (or more) being an entirely different job. You need time to adjust and so does your dh and your ds. I have ds 3 and dd 21 months and the first 7 months before she slept from 7 to 6 or 7 were hell. I nearly killed myself breastfeeding her for 13 1/2 months but didn't have much choice as she refused anything else! I'm glad I did it in hindsight but the first few months,well........ I am also an evil witch from hell when I'm tired. I slept for an hour at lunchtimes when they were both asleep for months and dh cooked the evening meal most of the time (actually he still does....) I would strongly recommend that you express some milk and get your dh to do a feed on a regular basis. I really really wish I had done this. The effect having a longer stretch of sleep will have on you will be amazing and it means you will be able to go out for an hour or two ON YOUR OWN! I have a hospital grade pump which two of my friends have borrowed (one with a prem baby) and they both said it made a huge difference to them. Just remember it is the torture like sleep deprivation making you like this and the hormones and the fact that you are still healing up inside etc - it is not anything else! Good luck, keep smiling........

mamma2kids · 14/05/2007 12:58

I agree with all the comments. I remeber it well. The good news is that by next year you will have all the benefits of having 2 close together. Mine are 3 and 2 and have little rivalry, play together, have the same routine and want to do the same activities. Hold that thought.

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