Back to work guilt

[ginandnappies]

Hi everyone

I'm sure we've all heard this before but I am really struggling with my return to work.

I'm due to return next month and I'm a mess. Every time I think about it I burst into tears! My little one is due to have their first settling in session next week (9 and a bit months).

The nursery looks fab, got a really good feeling when we went to see it and all the staff seem so lovely especially the head of the younger children. I know he'll be looked after perfectly and it's only 2 days a week. So I'm not really sure why I'm dreading it so much.

A 'friend' of mines sent me all these articles basically saying nursery will change my child into an aggressive, anti social monster so I just feel so guilty now!

Please send me your positive nursery stories :( I feel like I'm letting my baby down.

Wow, nice friend! OK, it is really hard, but it is hard whether you do it at 6 months or 4 years, its a separation, it will be hard to get used to at first for both of you, and you need to make it feel safe for little one by feeling strong yourself. You can expect some separation difficulty at 9 months, and you can expect to feel really hurt if lo manages fine! Make sure to distract yourself, let yourself call them once if you want to know how its going. Big kiss and cuddle and send him off with a smile.

The nursery staff were an amazing part of our lives at that time, honestly, the lengths they went to for those children for their entertainment and development were amazing. And once my friend who used a childminder picked them up, and she said ‘I expected it to be really impersonal, but it wasn’t at all, they were so caring’.

I think nursery has the opposite effect! Their development comes on leaps and bounds (DS didn't go nursery but friends babies did). FWIW I also had huge going back to work guilt. I'd rush home only to find he had been put to bed early so I couldn't see him. It was crushing. Now I'm a SAHM I must admit I miss lots of things about work- time to myself, sense of achievement, going to the toilet when I want, eating out for lunch, financial independence

With friends like that who needs enemies

What a crap friend. My DD is 23 months and I going to give up work (due to work) but I will still need to put DD in nursery because she loves it so much and gets some much out of it.

It is hard going back. I won’t lie but it is something you have to do or want to do then they you need to keep remembering why you are doing it.

Babies who Mum’s works going on to be more high achievers, especially girls. There is a research study into it.

18mo DS has been at nursery since five months, as that's when my mat leave ended (we live abroad).

Going back was really tough - but only on me. DS loves nursery. Every day they send us photos of all the lovely things he does - painting, playing outdoors, dressing up... he has a great time and is generally very happy to go in the mornings (we have the odd wobbler after the holidays). At times he doesn't want to leave, which is not very good for my ego but it definitely counts as evidence of how much he likes it there.

Still, I miss him a lot. Work is fine, although a bit flat at the moment and I'm missing him terribly. I'm planning my exit next year because I want to have another baby and do not want to put them in nursery so early, or for so long each day (DS does five days, usually 6:40-4:15).

Your 'friend' is unhelpful and actually wrong - if you do some research you'll see that he jury is still very much out on the effects of early daycare, and that the consensus at the moment is that, as long as the daycare is good quality, it won't have a negative effect. So look for somewhere with good staff and (importantly) a low staff turnover. DS has had the same nurses since he started and he adores them - they even babysit for us from time to time. They are lovely, kind and warm. I don't give myself credit for much but I think we made a good call in our choice of nursery.

So, to sum up, I really sympathise, but your baby will be fine.

My eldest went to nursery 4 days a week from 11 months to 4 years . She is really sociable and has lots of friends at school
Now . Your friend was silly sending that article . I’m sure your lo will face a great time at nursery .

I also went back to work when DD was 9.5 months in January. I was dreading it but the thought of it was definitely worse than the actual going back. DD also goes to nursery twice a week, and has 2 days with grandparents. She is absolutely thriving. They are long days and for the first few weeks there were some tears when I left and she was a bit clingy when I got home but she is now absolutely fine. She puts her arms out for her key worker and waves me off 😂. It hasn’t affected our bond at all and she’s coming on leaps and bounds in her development. I do sometimes still feel a pang of guilt that I’m not staying at home with her, and obviously I miss her, but the cuddles and smiles when I get home are so worth it.

Also, some of the things she gets up to at nursery I would never be able to do with her at home. I can honestly say since going back I have only seen positive changes in her - she sleeps better and is more outgoing. Ignore your ‘friend’. She can do as she likes with her children but you absolutely are not going to be damaging your DC by using childcare.

I’m actually enjoying being back at work. The adult company, using my brain, and like a PP said, weeing in peace. I find I enjoy our time together more than during my maternity leave. It’s quality time and I’m more chilled and patient.

I hope your DC settles as well as mine has. It’s a big change and won’t necessarily be easy, but I definitely have no regrets. Good luck!