friendship after baby... Feeling down..

[Muse84]

I'm just having a moan.

I understand where my friend is coming from so please, no need to explain that. But I feel like things have gone so far, I've suppressed how i feel so much that I'm starting to feel a bit upset.

We basically started TTC at the same time. Took my husband and I a long time. They never managed unfortunately, and now are having serous serious relationship issues (so perhaps not so unfortunate).

We used to be the closest of friends, but I naturally played down the entire pregnancy, and now, with my dear dear DS, I feel that there is an almost wilful lack of understanding from her side regarding what I'm going through, how hard it is to leave him and do things, with or without him. I have tried to maintain the friendship, actively talk about her life and as a result say nothing about ds. When she sees him (last time a few months ago- he's only 6 months), she's lovely with him. I understand she must be hurting. But I feel a lump in my throat when I think about how she would probably be just as happy - happier - if he didn't exist. I get it, I'm not the victim here but I feel so sad and to be honest - which is why I'm writing this - pissed off now that I make all the concessions, regarding the most important thing in my life.

I sincerely hope this hasn't made me sound self centred or a bad friend. I'm not. I know I would still ask after her child, even if I didn't truly care as much as I pretended to! Even if I had to avoid hanging out with them because it hurt. I'd still give something. She's going through terrible times, and I'm trying to be supportive, but you know what, I'm having tough tough days too, and my request for coffee isn't necessarily an attempt to connect or make her feel better! It may well be that I'm feeling utterly lonely.

I can't say anything, it would found so weak against what she's going through. And I know the answer is space and time. Our paths may converge again. But the bitter part of me knows that I'll be expected to be super happy and chat about her pregnancy, baby etc etc if she is lucky enough to get pregnant. augh. Sorry. I feel a little better now for writing this, but that lump is still in my throat

Ps - I know, this made me sound like a whiney, self centred m, bad friend. I'll probably be flamed for this. But there are specifics, that I don't want to write here. And I'm less annoyed with her and more upset at the whole situation and the sad state of our once wonderful friendship.

Just spotted this and wanted to say something so you don't feel alone. This situation is hard but you aren't a bad person for feeling like this, in fact you sound like you've been very understanding of how your friend may be feeling. There's no easy answer.... saying something to her could cause more difficulties, not saying anything may cause you to simply drift apart.

Sorry I have no advice but just wanted to reassure you that feeling this way under these circumstances is normal, in my opinion.

Thank you so much for your kind reply I was feeling really down when I wrote this, have a little more perspective now and venting also helped. Thanks for the reassurance, it means a lot

I have a similar experience with my sister. I’m married with one dc and one on the way. My sister has never been in a relationship nor does she have children. I know that she wanted both but at the same time (due to our childhoods) could not chance being a bad mother which of course is very sad. Despite this She shows such little interest in my dc it’s untrue. We used to be very close, the last time she saw my dc was last June and we only live 50 mins away. I’ve invited her over, taken her on holidays with us, had her stAy for weekends/weeks and yet she still makes no effort. I’ve given up now, I can’t keep banging my head against the same wall. Luckily my dc has lots of lovely honourary aunts but it still hurts that she has no interest so I can understand where you are coming from. It’s difficult I think to accept the person when they so openly reject someone so important to you. Spend your time making new friends who accept all parts of your life and your dc. It makes the loss of this important person just a little bit easier in my experience.

Thanks for the advice chocness. I'm so sorry to hear about your sister, it must be so much harder than a friend. I'd like to think I would never do this to someone but I guess the show has (thankfully) never been on the other foot. Life's just really unfair sometimes!

Muse It is a very sad situation, it can't be easy for you to have someone so close drift away and not show enough interest in you and your dc.

I can only imagine she must be hurting pretty badly in order for her to act this way. You need to remember this when you get annoyed or upset. If she couldn't have children AND her relationship has suffered because of this, she will be going through a lot right now. You were TTC at the same time and I assume you both hoped you would raise your babies together. Just imagine how sad she must be that she can't share the experience with you - it must be very isolating and lonely and being with you and your beautiful dc will be a reminder of what she doesn't have. It must be difficult to hear your stories of hardship (albeit justified - of course you should be able to talk to her about this) when in her mind she probably feels you should be grateful for the position you are in.

Sadly it sounds like she isn't dealing with the situation very well and of course, a friend should be there for you through thick and thin whatever the circumstances. Perhaps try and open up to her - ask her how she is doing, show her that you care and tell her how you feel about the situation. She probably wishes she could turn off the switch and act normally with you. If you are close enough you will get through this together in time :)