Breaking point

[sugarplumfairy01]

So I have a 7 week old girl and a 3 year old boy. My little boy seems to be playing up quite a bit recently, partly because he is a typical 3 year old and I assume partly because of the new baby.

I'm constantly tired, as if everyone, and my temper is short and I just feel that sometimes I lose it too easily with him and then start to feel guilty that I am going to screw him up! (I have some parent issues, not terrible but clearly have some!) I don't want him to feel like I did when I was young.

I had a visit with the HV re my 7 week old and had to feel in that stupid form on how I was feeling. The HV was so condescending and said my score was quite high which shows i'm not coping.

I have previous depression and a lot of anxiety, the anxiety hasn't really gone. Surely if you had someone who suffered with that you wouldn't just come out and say you're obviously not coping. She said you need to tell us if things get worse so we can help. How exactly can they help?! Are they going to come and do nursery drop off and pick ups, do my washing, tidy the house, do the food shopping, deal with the tantrums? AIBU and paranoid?!

My little boy can get himself dressed, but seems to only be able to do it on the weekend lol If we're trying to get ready for nursery we end up with tantrums cos he can't do it, so he says! What age does everyone else expect their kids to dress them self, with some help?

I spoke to my husband about all of this, and his response was that's why he doesn't like HV cos they put thoughts into people's head...I said well may be it's true I just don't feel like I am coping that much. So he said well may be we need to look at sending our boy to nursery more. Which just irritated me more as I don't want other people to be bringing up my children all the time. I became a mum so I could do that!!

My mum used to have my boy when I worked on a Thurs / Fri and then made a big thing about me going on mat leave saying she still wanted to have him, which I thought was great as would help give me a break. Although since I have been off she has been too busy and constantly makes comments about me taking up her time when I do ask her to help me. She's now said she will go back to having him on a Thurs but I then get messages saying she can't pick him up from nursery for the next 2 thursdays so I will have to, and she has to be out in the evening. What's the point? But see if i say don't bother she gets the hump about it!

sorry for the essay, just have a lot to get off my chest and I am at the point of not really knowing which way to turn.

Is this all normal? Should I be speaking to the HV or Dr? Thinking of asking for a different HV next anyway (end of May) as the current one keeps passing snide comments on the dog, my son etc

Any advice, words of wisdom on coping with 2 kids etc?

I only have one dc, another due in a few months time but from what I hear from others with young kids, this all sounds completely normal. Stressful yes but also normal. It doesn’t help that you are probably knackered from looking After the baby and the challenges of a 3 year old.

You need some support and time doing your own thing. Can you put the 3 year old in nursery/preschool for a couple of mornings a week? Your mum sounds unreliable at the moment so you need to look at paid care which will give you some breathing space.

Do you get out much to groups or anything so you can at least unburden yourself for an hour with other mums who are probably in the same boat as you? I know it must be tricky getting everyone out the door but who cares if you turn up late. You’re there for your benefit not other peoples.

How much does your partner help in the evenings and weekends? You need some decompression time, looking after young children can be very hard. Does your partner pitch in, give you time to be on your own doing your own thing?

Sound# like you need to change that HV. Just do it, the right one can be very helpful and this one sounds ridiculous.

I know it’s very hard dealing with the daily crap that comes from looking after a 3 year old let alone a baby as well. You must look after yourself though so please put things in place that give you some individual breathing space as well as enjoyment with your children. As in most things in life there is a balance to be had and I think things start getting v difficult when that is out of kilter as it sounds like in your world (and mine at the moment unfortunately). You are not alone but you need to take action to make things easier and more enjoyable for you 💐

It sounds like the health visitors language was overly blunt, but (sorry to say it) not wrong. It sounds like you’re needing a bit more support and help at the moment. But it also sounds like you recognise that.

Toddler and baby combination is hell - I’ve got the same. My 3 year old certainly can’t dress himself anyway - I wouldn’t expect many to be able.

Try not to be put off by the blunt language by the HV - she probably didn’t mean it to come across as it did. Ask for whatever support or help they offer. It won’t be the practical stuff you’ve mentioned but it might still be helpful.

It’s exhausting isn’t it.

I have a just turned 4 year old and an 8 month old. My oldest was 3.5 when the baby arrived.

I found it very, very hard - I was shattered and stressed for all the reasons you’ve mentioned.

The saving grace (and still is) is that my eldest has his 30 hours of funded childcare so for three days of the week he’s out the house from 7-5. Those are my day to catch up on the housework and just have a chance to rest and breathe.

Your baby is so young so don’t be hard on yourself when potentially considering putting your eldest in childcare more often.

I actually think it’s beneficidl for the older child to be in an environment away from the baby so they can maintain their freedom and independence as opposed to always being shushed and restricted at home because the babies needs come above theirs. We did have behavioural issues at the start with my son which I completely expected but they really calmed down when he started at pre-school because he was allowed time to just be him, to have fun and to run around doing what he wanted etc as opposed to being at home with an exhausted and grumpy mother and listening to a baby cry all day.

Thanks everyone, it makes me feel better to know most of the above is normal!

My 3 year old is in nursery every day but only for 3 hours in the morning as we only get 15 hours free, the nursery he is at don't do longer sessions as yet. They are starting in August, but just depends on whether there are spaces to put him in a bit longer on some days, and also whether we can afford it.

@chochness I have started to try and go to some groups, I find it difficult sometimes and my anxiety can get the better of me. It's as if I forget how to talk to people lol
My hubby does help, may be not as much as I would like, but he does try. I get it is kind of hard for him to help with our 7 week old sometimes as I BF her and she's refusing the bottle at the moment, she also refuses the dummy, and when she gets worked up will only settle on me. (We're working on that and things are getting better slowly!)

I don't really get a huge amount of time to do my own thing, and when I do I always feel rushed. Mainly because I am a stresshead and worry about the youngest not settling or needing her next feed etc.

@PaddyF0dder yes I agree, overly blunt, but I am aware, or at least it has helped me come to terms with needing more help.

@QueenofmyPrinces I wish we could get longer for our childcare! How did you manage the behavioural issues? I feel like I am constantly telling him don't do this, don't do that. I have tried to start this positive parenting stuff by changing the way you say things, but it's so hard when they're pushing your buttons!

I have started to put my 7 weeks old down for naps upstairs in the afternoon with the bigger one is around, 1. in order for her to actually get some sleep (she's a light sleeper) and 2, so the eldest can run about without me stressing and hopefully for us to have some me and him time.

Thanks all! It has made me feel better knowing it's all fairly normal, and I will speak to the HVs.

My DS was about 2.5 when DD was born. It’s definitely hard and I’ve felt my self losing it with him several times. They really know how to push your buttons!

Everyone finds it hard. Because it is!

All normal (but that isn’t helpful to you I know). My boy is a bugger for getting dressed for preschool. I just do it for him and save the battle. I know he can do it so he’s already developed that skill. It’s jist not worth the fight in the mornings.