What to say to DC when ex is abusive and gaslighting

[Namechangeforsomeadvice]

Ex (who I left because of abuse) has always said very manipulative things to DS and I've been used to dealing with this but it's stepped up recently.

He can be very mean to DS. He teases him in a way you might expect another child to. DS then picks up this kind of language and brings it home and I'm worried about him speaking to his friends in the same way. I tell him no one is allowed to speak in that way. That means I'm indirectly criticising his DF but I don't see what else I can do.

DS often tells me about things ex does that upset him. Again, I try to tell him it's wrong but it's difficult to do without criticising my ex. Usually I don't mention it to ex at all as I know it would be a waste of time but there have been some issues I've had to raise with him.

The result of that is that now ex has started telling DS that he's mistaken and these things never happened. He was the same to me when we were together.

It makes me feel sick. I can tell DS is now worried about telling me about what's happened but at the same time can't stop himself as he's upset.

How do I deal with this apart from never mentioning to ex again and trying to ensure DS feels he can always speak to me? I don't want DS's head getting messed up by it all.

Sorry to hear this. I don't really know how to deal with people like this (and have experience of a couple) except to say that perhaps you are right and the most important thing is that your ds continues to feel that he can trust you. So if that means not mentioning things to your ex, then so be it. Your ds is growing up all the time and eventually will be an adult, hopefully capable of standing his ground against your ex.

What you don't want is your ds to have his confidence in himself and his own judgement eroded any more than is necessary by his father telling him he's mistaken or remembered wrong each time his father is caught out in bad behaviour. Teach your son to recognise the bad behaviour, to tell you about it, and that you will help your son to deal with it without going to his father yourself?

Thanks June. It will be a relief when he is older and can recognise what's going on for what it is, but it's heart breaking in the meantime.

How old is DS?

Although of course it's ideal not to criticise thes ex to children, this needs to be balanced with the child's needs.

He'll be 6 in a couple of months Brake.

It's hard to know what the right thing to say is.

Sometimes I find myself defending my ex or at least making excuses for him as I don't want DS to look back and think I said bad things about him or to tell ex I am saying bad things as it will make ex's behaviour worse. At the same time I don't want DS to think I don't care and won't stand up for him. Sometimes I say outright that ex's behaviour is wrong and I don't care what ex thinks about me saying that because I think DS can work out for himself that I'm right.