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Original poster

If you have a child who USED to hit...

16 replies

whoami24601 · 17/04/2018 14:28

How the fuck did you get them to stop? DS 2.11 is in an awful phase at the minute, and nothing I do seems to help. He has days (not every day, thank god) where he just seems to have no impulse control whatsoever. He will push, snatch toys and just generally be a little shit. Today at soft play he has been so bad that I've barely sat down, and another parent actually complained! Not sure what else she wanted me to do though as he was in a time out at the time... I really don't know what else I can do! I try distracting, which works (for a while), time outs, firm no etc etc and nothing seems to work. I've just driven home in tears as I feel so shit. No one else's kids are like this! I should probably add that his speech is delayed, but his understanding is very good! Please help! Or at least tell me stories about how they grow out of it eventually!

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buffysummers4 · 17/04/2018 14:38

I have a very articulate 4 year old who hits (though almost always me and his brother, very occasionally close friends if v frustrated or upset, not usually random kids out and about). So I wouldn't automatically link it to the speech. Funnily enough he didn't really start until he was about 3, he was quite a calm child until then! No advice really but the health visitor said it's very common when I asked for advice so other people's kids are like that they maybe just avoid soft play! (Or are oblivious to their child's behaviour).
Mine is older but when he was about 3 I introduced counting to 3 and saying 'if you don't stop by 3' or saying 'if you do that again then...' and cutting down his TV time. It worked a lot better than trying time outs (I have never really succeeded in making this work) or getting worked up about it. So really clear and consistent consequences while staying very calm was the best approach for us. Good luck!

Aprilmightbemynewname · 17/04/2018 14:42

Could you teach him some basic signs? My younger dc had significantly less tantrums being able to sign before speech kicked in. Ds 3.7 has never been a pita tbh!!

DaenerysismyQueen · 17/04/2018 14:48

Zero advice but I am the proud mum of a two year old hitter. It drives me nuts. He's otherwise a very affectionate kid.

During a tantrum the other day he threw his head back quite hard and gave me a big bruise on my cheek.

He is beginning to get better and I have been reassured by my HV that it's a very common stage.

Please don't think you're alone! I'll we hanging around for advice too!

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MillieMoon94 · 17/04/2018 14:59

My DS went through a phase of hitting everyone when he was about 2.5. I am very petite and I actually felt like he was stronger than me at times.
We eventually cracked it by being really firm, as in if he hit someone when we were out then we went straight home, and if he hit me or his dad at home he went straight to his room, occasionally without dinner. We had tried warning him but it didn’t make any difference so we just went straight to the consequences. He screamed and cried about it a lot to begin with but it made him stop in the long run.
I know people probably say it to you all the time OP but it honestly is just a phase and you are really not alone. Good luck! Xx

Original poster

whoami24601 · 17/04/2018 16:20

Thanks all.

April His speech is not so delayed that he can't communicate at all, but just that he tends to use physical language first i.e. 'pushing' a child where he wants them to go instead of saying 'go there'. He has the language he just doesn't seem to think to use it IYSWIM.

MillieMoon Instant consequences might work. I do give warnings, but it doesn't seem to work and then end up giving consequences anyway. Meanwhile some poor kid has been clobbered twice! Just reacting might be better. I do wonder if it's an attention thing - I come running when he hits but leave him to it if he behaves!

Daenerys I'm glad I'm not the only one! If you find the magic solution let me know!

Today made me feel really shit. I know hitting/ pushing is not acceptable, but I responded and either distracted or gave consequences (depending on context) every single time. The woman that complained confronted me first - at the point where I was taking him for a time out, and I told her so. I know its annoying if it's your kid being pushed (not hurt though), but I was obviously dealing with it and doing my fucking best. What did she hope to achieve by complaining about me? I had sort of pegged her as a PFB not long after we got there from her reaction to another mum whose son had bumped into hers, but it felt awful being judged like that. I go to that soft play a lot (and have done since DD(6) was a baby) and I was so fucking embarrassed when they came over to tell me she'd complained.

It doesn't help that I'm 11 weeks pregnant, and on my knees with tiredness/ sickness either!

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erazerhead · 17/04/2018 16:24

My three year old is very chatty and articulate but still just screeches 'eehhhh' when he's irritated, or in the mood to hit, snatch, argue, fake-cry, scream etc. I fruit my teeth and hope this phase passes asap although it's the longest and worst phase yet!

extinctspecies · 17/04/2018 16:32

Mine did not hit but he was a biter & used to throw things at other kids' heads.

He is now a very charming teenager.

I always immediately removed him from the situation very firmly. e.g. if we were at playgroup, we left and went straight home.

If that wasn't possible I'd make him sit still on the sidelines. And always, always make him apologise to the other kid - & I always did it too, and made a fuss of the other clild while trying to give DS as little attention as possible.

It seems to have worked.

DaenerysismyQueen · 17/04/2018 18:54

Whoami, I'm pregnant too. He kicked a little girl in the face at a playgroup I went to with him a couple of weeks ago. I was so angry, and the CM who was looking after the girl was understandably fuming too. On that occasion I completely ignored him until I'd sorted the little girl out, by which time he was upset and apologetic. I think not giving too much attention to it is the key for us.

Rainatnight · 17/04/2018 18:58

I have a hitter, who is also a biter! It's mostly aimed at me and DP. Also watching for tips but just assuming you you're not alone!

Rainatnight · 17/04/2018 18:58

Assuring, I mean

Choosegopse · 17/04/2018 19:01

It is just a phase that will pass. You need firm consequences and lots of patience. And maybe have a think about where or when he tends to hit most. Maybe soft play is too frantic. Lots of kids prefer to play alone at that age

HariboFrenzy · 17/04/2018 19:12

Owner of a 2.11 hitter here too. Mainly at playgroup (he goes to one where you leave them). I'm not sure what to do either. Staff at playgroup and us parents talk endlessly about kind hands and he has lots of time out but he doesn't seem to care. In our case I think it's attention seeking after the arrival of his baby brother a few weeks ago

SophieofShepherdsBush · 17/04/2018 19:12

We had ok results with 123 magic when we did it consistently. So for a minor act of naughtiness you say "that's a 1" but no threats or "I'm gonnas " or talking ; no emotion; sound bored. Then the next act of naughtiness you say " that's s 2" and if they get to a 3 it's a bored time out. No anger, no extra chances. No discussion about it afterwards; kids are smart, you've explained it all before about hitting etc, and they know when they are acting out.

Anyway they soon get to know the system and it seems to work. If the child hits or bites or puts himself or anyone else in danger then it's straight to a 3 and time out.

There's a whole book on it and the various different scenarios eg if you truly think your child doesn't know they have done anything wrong then you can explain once that it will be counted in future etc,

We found it good because it kept emotions out of it. No emotion, no discussion. No shouting, no wearing away of child's self esteem. Just calm counting and a consequence at 3.

Look up the technique.

overduemamma · 17/04/2018 19:25

My boy went through a stage of hitting and pushing. He was around 2 1/2 mark, used to drive me mad and id get so embarrassed. Lasted about 6 months. Pre-school said it was a way to show is emotion?! His speech was fine at that point too. X

Original poster

whoami24601 · 17/04/2018 20:07

So, after a bit of thinking about it, I realised that he does hit at home, but generally he doesn't have consequences for that. He doesn't usually do it in anger so I suppose I didn't really think about it. I tell him not to but that's it. So tonight I've sorted out a 'time-out' chair. Any hitting/ pushing/ kicking is an immediate time out on the chair. It seemed to go well - he stayed on the chair each time and gave me/ DD a hug (depending on who was the victim obv!) After the third time he seemed to get the message and no more hitting! Just need to get DH on board, as I'm at work tomorrow!

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Original poster

whoami24601 · 17/04/2018 20:08

Hopefully if we crack things at home it will have a knock on effect when we venture out!

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