Siblings don't get along

[louise5754]

I have two daughters. Both planned. Aged 5 and 7. They argue and fight over everything as soon as they see eachother. They even ask who I like more / who sang better / who's drawing is the best. It's a constant competition. They can't play together. I suggest playing separate. They don't. They decide to watch Netflix. Don't agree on what to watch. I've even got them to close their eyes and raise their hand when I chose a film. I know they like the same movies but when one says yes the other will say no. They hurt eachother too. I tell them they're both my kids so I don't want either of them hurt or upset. They fight over who will sit with me so I'm constantly sitting in between them. If I'm reading or getting one ready for bed the other will come in to mess and say they want me. They really do not like eachother. I'm one of 3 and if my brother or sister wanted something different to me I'd just let them. I was a pushover and they always got what they wanted but I didn't want to upset them or hurt them just for the fun of it. My husbands one of 5 boys and even he says they didn't fight as much as ours do. I thought having 2 close together would mean they got along better. I'm not sure having a boy and girl would have been easier but I'd hoped having a sister would mean they always had a friend. Over Easter they kept saying they were fed up and wanted a friend over to play on the back garden and I felt so sad that my own children don't want to play together 😢 😦

I think expecting siblings to get along and play together just because they are related is not always realistic. I would let them play on their own or have their friends round and not force them to play together. I would come down very firmly on hurting each other though.

Thanks

Thanks

I haven't read it personally but I see a book called 'Siblings Without Rivalry' recommended a lot on there.

*here, not there!

Yup, read Siblings without Rivalry, it will change your perspective and therefore your family dynamic. Just by reading it, you will notice a difference in their behaviour which is a reflection of your change in perspective. It's MAGIC!!

You're children are quite close together in age and therefore developmentally. I wonder whether they are fighting over what they see as resources (you/toys/attention).

I don't think it helps that they are the same gender but of course there is nothing you can do to change that

Have you tried commenting on when they do get on, however briefly?

It hit home to me over the holidays as my children are three years apart & generally tolerate each other. One was away with the school & I asked the other if he missed his sister & he said no even asking if we 'had' to collect her from the train station What it dame down too was the fact he had to do anything that she wanted. I think kids are so egocentric that any opportunity to get their own way they will. Try to see it from their point of view !!!! My two are 13 & 10!

No easy answers. I did read Linda Blairs book Siblings & found it helpful. 😊

I think that even if siblings have phases of not getting on, they still learn many valuable life lessons from each other. My kids were all very close together in age. Two things we did were to read them each a separate bedtime story... it took longer but gave each of them some valuable one to one time each day which in turn seemed to reduce competition and rivalry the rest of the time. We also instigated "special days out" - one child with one parent. They basked in the attention they got and that seemed to reduce tension at home because they soon learnt that next month it would be THEIR turn for a day out. Good luck !

DD had a sleepover with a family who's children really really don't get on (beat 7 bells out of each other) and came home, slightly traumatised but reluctantly grateful that she has the brothers she does have!! (She would rather she was an only child and finds her very lovely brothers a serious annoyance, at best.)

Yes yes read siblings without rivalry.

You have to kind of hear what they are saying and both want and ask how they are going to figure it out. Your job is not referee.

Also remember what my wise aunty told me, it is preparing them to be excellent at dealing with conflict and negotiation in adult life

I have been where you are and it DOES get better.

Have they always been like this? I found that how well my DCs got on went in cycles, with a few months of relative clam and then 6 months of trouble. I think their abilities sometimes were in sync and then they grew apart again for a while. They seem to get on better now they are teens it's just us they don't get on with now

Have you tried spending time individually with each? Take one swimming/cinema/shopping/park etc and then next time let the other one choose and spend the same time with them. maybe they really do want just a bit more attention.

Definitely don't allow them to hurt each other though.

They have been worse this past year. My husband works away and my mum will have one over night so I do get to be with them alone and they love it. It makes me so sad x

I have shed many a tear over mine... DD doesn't love DS2 and it breaks my heart. They do get along much better than they used to. They are 9 and 11 now, DD is kind to him because she thinks it's the right thing to do. But beautiful, clever sweet DS adores her.. she was away with school three years ago and he said it's not the same without DD, and not in a good way, where she would say, It's quiet without DS and give me one of her 'I love you the most Mummy' hugs.. She truly believes that because she is the only girl that I love her the most.