Will these feelings pass?

[Germantree]

Hello

I had my first baby, a daughter, two and a half weeks ago. I feel terrible for writing this but I have to hear that I'm not alone - I don't think I love her. Am in tears and just dont know what to do, i feel ive made a terrible mistake and thrown my freedom away and saddled an innocent baby with a shit mum. My husband and mum have been so supportive and told me this is normal and love for her will come but I don't see how. I despise breast feeding, not because i cant do it but because it takes so long and ties me to one place and I'm counting down the days to four weeks when I've secretly decided I'll stop and formula feed so that she's had at least some breastmilk nutrients. I feel very little when she cries other than annoyed that now I'll have to get up and sort her out. I resent the fact that my husband and I do shifts at night so don't share a bed anymore. I find her boring, all she does is sleep, feed or cry. Yesterday my husband accidentally cut her finger while trying to cut her nails and I just went through the motions of comforting her when she cried, I didn't really feel panicky or upset like he did, just a bit flat about it all. Surely I should have flown into a panic at my child's pain like a normal first time mother? I don't think this is pnd because I still have interest in other things and I don't feel numb towards her all the time, I just don't feel warm and maternal like I'm supposed to. Will this pass? Am I just not a newborn type person? Terrified she'll somehow sense my detachment and grow up to be distant and resentful towards me.

This will pass! It really really will. I felt exactly like this with DD, I hated her crying but mainly because it stressed me out, not because I was concerned for her (sounds awful, but it's true). I wasn't sure I loved her either. Babies are really boring, it's ok not to enjoy the newborn stage, it's relentless.

Once your baby starts smiling, giggling and interacting with you, I bet you will feel differently. I love my little girl so much now, I can't imagine life without her. Everytime she meets a new milestone I'm so full of pride. In those early weeks I was ready to put her on Ebay 😬 I'm glad I kept her!

It will pass!

I felt the same. When my DP would take her out to give me a break I would dread them coming home. I was so so excited to be a mum but the reality of it was that it was such a thankless slog.

It got better at about 6 weeks... I think because I had time to adjust, stressful things like feeding and sleeping had somewhat come together, but mainly because the bond just started to grow.

Then as she started smiling and laughing etc it all came.

It’s not uncommon what you’re going through- it’s bloody horrible and such a sad way to feel about your precious baby. But it will change.

If in a few weeks you still feel the same it might be worth discussing with GP or HV to see if they can support at all

I remember a well-meaning friend sending me an email shortly after my first baby was born, talking about that 'mama tiger' feeling of being willing to do anything for your child to protect them, and that feeling of visceral fierce love. And I was so upset because I didn't feel like that at all. I was exhausted and frazzled and if someone had said they could take DD away and nobody would ever know that I had even been pregnant, I would have taken them up on it in a heartbeat.
It did change - and despite thinking that having a baby was the biggest mistake of my life, I've had two more since and I absolutely do feel that all-consuming love for them now. It took time though with DD1.
The first year after your first baby is such a hard time - the hardest time of my life. You will get through it and you will find pleasure in being a mother. You are not alone.

I promise I felt the same. I remember sobbing one night because I didn’t want the baby, and felt like I’d ruined my life.

Stop breastfeeding. Honestly, just stop now if you hate it. It’s ok to bottle feed.

I did have a bit of PND, so if your feelings don’t lift then please speak to your GP. Feeling how you feel right now is not as uncommon as you may think

I haven’t been there yet op. (33 weeks pregnant).
But I’ve been told by many that this is completely normal.
Unfortunately in life, we are made to believe we will feel a certain way. (Wedding- best day of your life, new baby-instant love etc) and I think it’s a bit suprising and upsetting when you don’t feel how you expect to.
I’m sure you are doing a fab job and that feeling will come.

Thank you all, it's a relief to know this seems normal (if totally awful). I had a weep to dh who has just been amazing and said that if I truly hate breast feeding then he agrees that formula is best. Think I'm extra tearful too because tomorrow is his last day on paternity before restarting work on Monday when I'll be on my own with her. I agree with the advice that if I still feel indifferent to her in a couple of weeks to get help - i have suffered depression before so know some of the warning signs and am not willing to try and fight through alone or ignore them. Thank you everyone for letting me know I'm not alone.

Oh and I found it easier once DP back at work, you can get on with it and into your own routine. I know it seems daunting but stay optimistic that it might actually help!

Having a period of grief for your old life is very very normal.

Right now you are exhausted and full of hormones and still recovering from the birth.

It will get better.
You will feel better.
Honestly

And if it doesn’t get better or you feel worse pop off to see your GP and get some help and support. PND is very common and nothing to feel bad about.

Not everyone feels overwhelming love for their baby straightaway. You have to get to know each other.

One day you’ll realise that she is your whole world and that the feeling snuck up on you unawares.

Hang on in there. You’re doing just fine.

The first few weeks are absolutely hideous. I loathed breastfeeding because my baby was attached to my nipples for about 22 hours out of every 24, and it just made me resent him. I remember handing him to my boyfriend and asking him to take him away because I didn't want him any more He is now 8 months old and an absolute joy; I could not love him more. I promise it gets better; the newborn days are just a relentless slog, and it feels neverending when you're in the middle of it all. But in no time at all your baby will be smiling and interacting with you, and that makes the world of difference. It feels like a reward for all your hard work when your baby smiles at you!

And don't beat yourself up about the feeding. If you hate breastfeeding, stop. And it doesn't have to be all or nothing; I combination fed from 2 months and it worked really well. Once I introduced bottles as well as the breast I instantly relaxed and started to enjoy my baby more. There is absolutely nothing wrong with formula, and your relationship with your baby will improve tenfold if you're not anxious and unhappy about the feeding.

You will get through this, and in a few months this will all seem like a distant memory.

Oh bless you. It’s totally normal and I do believe it is like a grief stage for your old life. You stopped being just you and became Mum and there is a loss there.
I breastfed my first and was fiercely determined to do it. Many people thought it was because I was a natural Mum despite being very young- but really it was because I was terrified. Terrified that if I didn’t need to feed him- if someone else could- then I would give him away and not want him back. So I stuck with BF and didn’t tell anyone how I felt.
But around 5/6 weeks suddenly it was like the clouds began to lift and I felt that love build. It wasn’t sudden but it came nonetheless. And I felt the way I had hoped to.

If BF is going well for you I wouldnt stop, as your hormones can be very fluctuating when you stop BF (think about the biology of it- your body could think you had lost your baby and that can trigger PND) but of it is contributing to you feeling trapped then you could mixed feed or express etc.
In some ways embracing the life of a Mum is the only solution as trying to keep hold of the pre-baby life can make everything feel worse.
I think when you actually have her alone you will do great and your confidence will grow. And one day you will realise you DO feel all the things you want to for her.
And don’t be afraid to ask for help- HV, GP etc or us on MN!

I just wanted to post an update and thank you all. After a few rough weeks (And some horrendous nights recently in hot weather) she smiled at me for the first time yesterday. And all the doubt and numbness just started to melt away. And today I felt like I could tackle the day properly for the first time. So thanks for helping me. The 1st 6 weeks are not anything I want to repeat and I'm sure there will be times I feel hopeless again, but I understand that there are good phases and bad now. I'm off to see if she'll smile again! She's been cooing and smiling all morning :D

So glad you’ve turned a corner!
The first few weeks are bloody hard work for very little reward, life should start to get a bit more fun now!

All feelings pass.

And there's not much better than a baby smiling, unless it's a baby laughing. They're a lot easier to love when they can do those things.