Deteriorating relationship with my nearly 7 year old

[Leyani]

I'm really struggling for a warm positive relationship at the moment. My ds just gets on my nerves most of the time - the noise, constant talking and singing (screeching) at the top of his voice, preoccupation with poop and burps and farts, complete inability to not be active every waking minute, the battle to get him to do any help around the house/tidy/homework, no interest in being kind or doing something nice for someone without wanting a reward/treat. Hugs and kisses get rejected, he's far too cool, even if no friends around. Thought in part it was just tiredness at the end of term and a stressful period for me at work, but holidays where we had more time have not improved anything. Things are ok as long as he can't have his will but I'm probably reasonably strict about things like bedtime, screentime etc and he feels very hard done by ALL of the time. Sounds really negative when it shouldn't, really he's just a fairly normal kid, certainly no behavioural issues and generally well behaved both at school and elsewhere. I find I'm being overly negative and critical and know that that certainly won't help and I need to get off his case a bit, but I just can't seem to do it. Every day I set out with best intentions - yes I read How to Talk so kids will listen and a few others that I completely agree with - but every day within mins after waking up we'll have arguments about brushing teeth, wearing a coat, sandwich fillings, reading homework or a number of other things. We have so very little time before and after work and all we seem to do right now is make each other miserable 😭

Be gentle mumsnet, but any ideas of how to break the cycle would be really welcome

No suggestions but sympathy. My DS was a complete dickhead at that age, wouldn’t listen to me or sit still or basically do anything he didn’t want to do.

Except at school, where he was an angel.

It was a phase. One that I hated. He gave me scraps of hugs and kisses but otherwise was horrible.

I think I remember reading that boys get a testosterone surge around 6/7 yo and need their dads more than their mums for a bit around that age. I’m sure someone who knows more will come on here soon.

I don’t have a suggestion but didn’t want to read and run
My ds can be a bit like that at times, I think they just get wrapped in their own little bubble and feel hard done by.
The thing that helps my ds is when I get him to do something with me, usually something like cooking, I’ll get him to use the big knife to chop up some veg etc and he thinks it’s great and we end up having a good chat and I find he’s a lot more reasonable afterwards

Thank you both - it's just such a bad atmosphere in the house at the moment. Alas, no dad on the scene but agree that at the moment he seems to have some male identity thing going on. Throws himself into football, imitates the older boys (never the nice ones, it's the teens with the bored whiny tone telling you how absolute shit their privileged lives in a loving household are).

I like the idea of an activity like joint cooking. Not sure he'll engage or stick with it though, usually he drifts away from any such joint activities really quickly. Will give it another try though with someth8ng we might both enjoy

Sounds like my youngest at the moment, thought I would share that we went to a proper indoor skate park at the weekend, he borrowed a skateboard and had some support from other kids on what and how to skate, after we went to the Harvester (kids eat for £1 deal) and we had a really really lovely day x my capacity to deal with his annoying behavior has increased massively as it was something we both really enjoyed x

You're not on your own! I know you have a DS but my Dd just turned 8 is exactly the same. Simple things I ask her to do like picking things up off the floor turn into debates- just once it would be lovely for her to just do what I asked without moaning. I do think hormonal surges play a big part at this age as well. I took an old computer chair to the refuse tip recently as we'd bought a new one because the old one was broken. My dd got upset saying the chair was special ( it had sat in the hall for 2 months unnoticed), saying I didn't care about her feelings? and it shouldn't go to the tip - Even had tears? Wtfdefo think hormones are at play though. I for one am hoping this phase is going to pass soon as I'm quickly running out of stamina.......

I would say, Pick your battles. Teeth cleaning is non-negotiable... but I wouldn't argue over sandwich fillings.
Build the real non-negotiables ( teeth cleaning, reading, age appropriate chores) into a routine and stand firm. Give him choice and control over other things that don't matter so much.
If the male role model thing is an issue, sign him up for football, tag rugby etc with male coaches who are positive role models of fitness, discipline, commitment, skill and ambition.
Can you read to him at bedtime? Sometimes that's a nice way to close the day together

Just a suggestion but if male role modelling is of interest then look into Parkour classes - it’s non-competitive movement, focussed on pushing mental and physical boundaries whilst ensuring safety.

It’s something that has had a remarkable impact on a friends DS.

Pick your battles, yes he does have to help around the house and not be lazy but does it really matter if he wants to sing loudly and talk to you.
I know it's annoying I inwardly scream sometimes when DD does it to me but his just excited and happy.
I sometimes snap at DD for always singing and talking non stop but I try to take a step back and ask myself am I just being snappy and miserable. You don't want to suck all the happiness out of him just make him a bit less selfish.

Not sure it's a boy thing, my 7yo DD is like that! With her what works is lots of exercise, preferably outdoors.

Can you find some male role models?

Typical, actually had a nice day today so felt a bit guilty for posting. Quite often happens after abysmal days, think we both put in a bit more effort. I played things he likes with him, we made up silly songs whilst we tidied together, he spontaneously decided to bring me a tea and leftover Easter egg.

He's at a sports holiday club with male coaches wh he adores and also likes his swim trainer and the one male teacher in his school, so he's got a few men around he meets regularly. And friends' dads at play dates, some of them are quite involved dads. Not the same as a dad though who might remember what it was actually like to find farts and burps hilarious.

Reassured that it's common with boys and girls alike and it's not just me feeling a bit out of my depth - only sisters and nieces in my family, so having a boy came as a bit of a (lovely!) surprise.

I think you're right about choosing battles when time is so tight after work/childminder and we're both quite stressed. Just never sure if I'm being a lazy parent if I let issues like some appalling table manners, talking over others, being unkind, slamming doors etc go. He's got to learn sometime and I'm always going to be in a fairly stressful job. i know a good relationship where he feels loved rather than criticised all the time is more important but it's so hard to fit it all in between 7 and 8 am and 6 and 7.30pm.

Sorry that's turned into a bit of a novel. I'm finding negotiating this parenting thing quite hard, often wish there was a simple manual.

How lovely! Tea and an Easter egg! That is very thoughtful of him. Reminds me how important it is to praise the good behaviour...