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Original poster

Am I being unreasonable...

25 replies

Wdm290 · 09/04/2018 12:33

I have been a single parent to my child who is 5 this year since her father and I separated when she was 4 months old. As such he is totally absent from her life but she sees his family regularly, he just doesn’t bother. One of the issues we had was surrounding boundaries of parenting and being on the same page as to what was best for my daughter. When my daughter was about 2.5 we had one of them defining moments as a parent whereby I was out shopping with my daughter and she saw a giant peppa pig teddy she wanted. This teddy at the time cost over £50 and I couldn’t afford it ( her father incidentally doesn’t pay maintenance ). My daughter through an epic tantrum ( we’ve all been there) and I mean epic! I stood firm and after 40 minutes was able to leave the shop with her in some tact. I felt it was important I didn’t cave and buy her the teddy because of the tantrum and teaching her tantrums don’t get what you want. Later that evening I was speaking to her father, told him the days events and instead of agreeing with me he said he would buy the teddy, totally missing the point of what had been achieved that day. I wouldn’t let him undermine my parenting and give her the teddy I firmly believe discipline is an area where both parents need to be consistent. Shortly after he lost contact with my daughter and myself for various other reasons not related to this post. My daughter regularly sees her paternal grandparents and sleeps over. I am upset as today when I’ve collected her she has this giant peppa pig teddy which has been kept and given to her. I know it’s been some years since the tantrum / teddy event. But it’s the principle attached to it and the fact her grandparents knew the row we had at the time about him undermining my parenting and buying the teddy when as a single parent I can’t afford big treats all the time. His parents regularly undermine me but I often let it go, this feels different to me because of the background. Am I wrong to be upset. Honestly however harsh is appreciated. Thanks

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Original poster

Wdm290 · 09/04/2018 12:39

*extra info: we have an agreement that they don’t introduce / discuss anything to do with her father as were trying to keep their relationship positive. And her father is able to sort his own contact if he wants to. They lied to my daughter and said the teddy was off them ( I understand why ) but I don’t agree with lying to my child, and don’t want a part of it however small.

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NorthernSpirit · 09/04/2018 13:24

Throughout your post you refer to the child as ‘my child’... You discussed boundaries and parenting as to what was best for ‘my child’. She’s not ‘your’ child. This sounds extremely controlling.

You say the fathers parents undermine you. How? Is it because you don’t agree?

I would relax. Let the small things go. It’s positive that the grandparents want a relationship. You can’t control others.

Original poster

Wdm290 · 09/04/2018 13:26

She is my daughter ? I think you've read a different meaning into that except a fact that I'm her mother and she's my child..?

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BertrandRussell · 09/04/2018 13:30

So the pig was in their loft or something and they gave it to her saying it was from them and not mentioning her father? I honestly can't see a problem-would you rather it was just put in the bin?

Iwasjustabouttosaythat · 09/04/2018 13:32

YABU. She’s 5. It’s been at least 2.5 years since the incident. She probably doesn’t even remember that toy but if she does she certainly wouldn’t remember the tantrum or in any way connect a tantrum with finally receiving the toy years later.

Sorry but if they’re going to have to leave out details about her father then at some point they’re going to have to lie. This will likely happen more as she gets older and asks more questions.

Lukeandlorelai4Ever · 09/04/2018 13:33

Was the tantrum over the teddy YEARS ago?!

itallhappensforareason · 09/04/2018 13:34

I can see why you are annoyed - but had it been anything other than the teddy would you have been so annoyed? Say if it had been a different teddy/type of present?

Prettylovely · 09/04/2018 13:37

Yabu And how long are you going to keep up not telling her about her father?

Original poster

Wdm290 · 09/04/2018 13:38

Hello. I don't know where it's been if I'm honest. I haven't ever asked anything about it / anything else to do with her dad, my focus is on making sure that despite my daughters dad making a decision not to pursue a relationship with her, that she still enjoys a happy, healthy and impartial relationship with her grandparents. When he made that decisions, myself and his parents met up and discussed the situation and both agreed that it would be nice if my daughter maintained a link to their side of the family despite him making his own choice to step back. Part of that was discussing what could cause animosity in that relationship and we had a firm agreement that her dad wouldn't be introduced / discussed etc and it would be up to her dad & myself to sort that separately. I think what's upset me ( I'm probably overly sensitive so do agree with you in part / hence the post here for advice before making rash comments to them / arguing ) is that this teddy caused sooo much rowing and his mum/daughters grandmother was heavily involved back then as we were in the transition period of separating and everyone had high emotions ( as they do). We've done really well to get over the little mishaps you have and disagreements. You asked about undermining its things like my daughter has a milk protein allergy and she gives her little pieces of dairy when I've said please don't as the dietician has her on a milk ladder, or other things. Day to day things are let go of like a later night at theirs etc. I never lie to my daughter about her dad, if she ever asks I'm truthful and I'm just upset that after us successfully navigating a horrible scenario for all for the last few years she's done something that directly brings her dad / the past back up in an underhand way. If that makes sense...

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SleepingStandingUp · 09/04/2018 13:39

It's been half her lifetime ago, ask she will know is than Granny and Grandad bought her an awesome toy. She won't know she once had a tantrum for 40 minutes about it. She won't think that's why she has it. And if her GP's aren't slowed to mention her father without your permission then they have abided by your wishes.

Have they deed kept it off him for nearly 3 treats before giving it her randomly now? That sounds almost as odd as your determination that she can never have anything she's ever tantrummed for.

If she had a tantrum over wanting say cake would you ban that forever too?

Original poster

Wdm290 · 09/04/2018 13:42

My daughter knows about her father..? I've never not told her about him. He doesn't come up. And if he does then I'm honest and truthful to her in an age appropriate way. She knows that they are his parents. And she knows that his uncles are his brother etc. I don't like to her about anything. You can't force someone to want to be a parent / be involved. It's up to him to decide when the time is right , our door is always open for a discussion on his being a father. What I don't agree with is him doing it through his parents because I want to protect my daughters relationship with his family.

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SleepingStandingUp · 09/04/2018 13:42

Cross post.

It doesn't bring out back up though, not to your child anyway. Perhaps they thought enough time had passed and as long as she didn't think it was from Dad then it wouldn't matter.

Yes they should have mentioned it but perhaps your daughter saw it so they just told her they'd bought it for her?

Giving her food she is intolerant / allergic to is a WAY bigger issue imo and would be reason enough to stop unsupervised contact

Original poster

Wdm290 · 09/04/2018 13:43

*lie

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Original poster

Wdm290 · 09/04/2018 13:46

I haven't said anything to them about this. I wanted to get some impartial advice so thanks all for your replies. You all make valid points / if not assumptions under some parts for example why her dad isn't involved / that I've forced his parents to not include him etc... that was done under a discussion of what was best for my daughter. I am not in the business of slagging off her dad I never would do that to either my daughter or anyone else. But given the unfortunate circumstances were in I think that protecting her relationship with his family whilst he's chosen not to be part of it is best until he's ready to parent. That's something you can't force.

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TroubledLichen · 09/04/2018 13:47

As PP have said, the tantrum was half her lifetime ago, let it go. If the Peppa Pig was any attempt to undermine you then I really don’t think they would have sat on it for 2.5 years and your daughter will have no memory of the original toy/tantrum.

The allergy thing is serious though, if she’s got a CMPA allergy and the grandmother is feeding her dairy and interfering with the milk ladder that the dietician has her on then I would not be happy with DD seeing GPs without me until they agree to stop. Thinking about it why isn’t that the point of this thread? Is a giant Peppa Pig toy seriously more of an issue than your DD being fed food she’s allergic to?!

Starlight2345 · 09/04/2018 13:48

I think if you asked them not to mention dad then they probably did the best they could . They will never be completely on your side.

Why is he not paying maintenance then you would have money for treats although I do agree under the circumstances I wouldn’t of bought the pig at that time

BertrandRussell · 09/04/2018 13:50

You asked them not to mention her dad and they didn't. Then you're cross with them for lying.

Original poster

Wdm290 · 09/04/2018 13:51

... no it's all of it! She's allowed Dairy as she's on a milk ladder. What happens is that I am introducing the food staged and then she will go to theirs, she will feed her more and then she's over her allowance, I've started making sure I give her the food log so she knows exactly how much but she sneaks her little extras which is a big issue, It isn't about the tantrum. It's about the principle underlying the teddy.

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Original poster

Wdm290 · 09/04/2018 13:52

Yes I am cross with lying. The answer is simple don't give her the teddy and then no lie is needed. My daughter is extremely well provided and cared for, she wouldn't have known any difference if she had it or not. That's what I'm confused / upset about that out of the blue it's turned up when it was dealt with and moved on from years ago and now reappeared... strange ?

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Flywheel · 09/04/2018 13:53

If they have been sitting on it for this long I imagine they thought enough time had passed for it not to be an issue and for no connection to be made between the tantrum and the teddy. Their actions seem quite respectful.

Original poster

Wdm290 · 09/04/2018 13:54

Ps I never asked them not to mention her dad. They actually suggested it, because they said they wanted to be impartial. It was a discussion held as equals around a table not a demand on my part. That would be horrific.

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Original poster

Wdm290 · 09/04/2018 13:56

Thanks everyone. It's really good to get everyone else's perspectives before going to them xx.

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TroubledLichen · 09/04/2018 14:03

So much of this I don’t understand... how have they lied? And about what? If your DD is going to have a relationship with her GPs why shouldn’t they buy her a teddy? It’s a treat because they care about her, not a suggestion that they don’t think you’re providing for her. GPs do this sort of thing all the time! What with it being 2.5 years ago, I expect you’re the only one making a connection to the tantrum. Your daughter won’t remember and the GPs probably don’t either, if they ever even knew about it since they weren’t with you when it happened.

And the milk ladder and allowance is set by the dietician for a reason, why are you barely concerned about that but raging about a teddy?

SleepingStandingUp · 09/04/2018 14:18

Deal with the feeding issues is my advice

BertrandRussell · 09/04/2018 14:23

Because it's a nice teddy and they didn't want it wasted? It's hardly a lie to say it was from them when it's been in their house for over 2 years!
But I would be furious about the milk ladder thing.

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