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Parenting

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Rubbish marriage 🙁

24 replies

Blonde4281 · 08/04/2018 23:45

I don’t know why I’m posting on here, other than to rant I’m afraid. My husband and I have been together nearly twenty years and married for 12. We have four children aged 8yrs, 5yrs, 15months and 11weeks. I feel like I’m raising the children alone. He works. Often 11-12hr days. I get that it’s tiring but so is looking after four children. I deal with everything during the night, and at weekends he says he needs to get a break from work so I still do the night feeding. He has every Saturday out at football. Usually til the early hours of Sunday, then won’t get out of bed on Sunday.
Money is a big issue, we’re broke so I’ve been working Sunday mornings since our youngest was four weeks old. But he won’t get out of bed and I worry about leaving the children. This morning I flipped and chucked a glass of water over his head while he was sleeping. It was the third drinking session this week. Although he pays the bills (mortgage etc) he says there is not enough left to give me anything, so the only way I have any (including buying clothes etc for the kids, paying for anything that isn’t covered by the direct debits) is to try earn a bit on Sundays. But I don’t get how he can then go out with his mates 2-3times a week.
I feel like a nag. I’m tired. I get about two hours every few weeks to do something without the children in tow. He says im unreasonable. That he works hard for his money and I should be grateful he pays the bills. That he should be allowed some down time. We have talked sooo many times. We’ve separated twice in the past year. Ultimately it’s the children who suffer. I can only come down to the conclusion I need to suck it up and realise I need to accept my life is just to raise the kids now. But I feel so resentful.

OP posts:
Kingsclerelass · 09/04/2018 14:15

Rant away. I don't blame you! You're supposed to be grateful he pays the bills! He may be working hard but what planet is he on? And 12 hours a day - really?

He has three evenings out a week (£4 x 3 pints x 3 evenings is £36 a week or £150 a month) plus all Saturday plus Sunday mornings in bed. While you do 24/7/365 childcare. If he's out with his mates all Saturday and in bed on Sunday, when does he spend time with you and the dcs as a family? I'd be livid.

You could get up early on a Saturday, take the youngest with you, and leave him a note while he's in the shower, saying you need a break, and you'll be back 6pm Sunday. Just to get the point across Smile

Or you could see a solicitor. It depends how serious you are. But that's no life at all.

Blonde4281 · 10/04/2018 18:52

Thank you so much for replying. I keep thinking that maybe I don’t get it. That he is supporting the family so should get down time when he wants. The thought of getting 12 hours to myself even once every 3 months sends me almost giddy with excitement, whereas he has this every week, and then expects the next day in bed!
I left last April, but we agreed to try again. I told him to leave in August, which he did. Two weeks later we tried again. When the anger subsides I’m still clinging to an idyllic notion that the family I always dreamt of is still possible. His drinking put him in hospital twice in November and December. He swore he’d make more of an effort. Our youngest is now 11wks and he has been out on 10 drinking sessions since she was born. I’m so full of despair.
People probably wonder why we have just had a baby together. She was a wonderful accident after a trial separation. Foolish, but I wouldn’t change her for the world. Of course, you could I argue I made my bed and now have to lie in it x

OP posts:
mogulfield · 10/04/2018 18:55

No great advice I’m afraid, but be sounds bloody awful. You’d probably be a lot less stressed and resentful on your own.
Have you tried talking to him about how incredibly unfair he is being? Leave the kids with him for an overnight and he may start appreciating all you do... but it sounds like he’s beyond help.

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Ilovecamping · 10/04/2018 18:56

He is living in the dark ages. You know the money is going on drink. You have to put yourself and the children first before even thinking about him. Some hard decisions to make.

Momo18 · 10/04/2018 19:02

He is majorly taking the piss. Like shockingly. He's able to work as your providing childcare, you deserve a break as much as him.

Bit of a contrast for you, and I'm not gloating, but so you understand what's fair.

My DH works, but we still share the night feeds. He lets me have lie ins, he does housework, lets me have time off. Work is easier then raising kids!

PurpleWithRed · 10/04/2018 19:12

Why on earth do you stay with him? Why did you take him back? He’s a selfish pisshead who doesn’t give a toss about you or the kids. Your children are suffering now, and if you stay with him they will learn that this kind of attitude and behaviour is OK. Kick him out.

Blonde4281 · 10/04/2018 22:12

We’ve been together since we were 17. He’s practically part of me, but I don’t get why I don’t seem to matter. I’ve just come to the conclusion I’m not enough to matter, in any way. He says he loves me and he’s ill and I need to support him for him to get through this. His mum and sister say the same. But I don’t know at what point enough is enough. By supporting him he means I need to not get angry when he messes up and goes out drinking. He’s got tablets to stop the drinking and has been to four sessions on the nhs but that’s all he gets. He unfortunately chooses not to take the tablets.

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Squeegle · 10/04/2018 22:20

I feel so sad for you, it is rubbish when a partner drinks like this. But please don’t feel you have to support him being a total selfish bastard! You need some support for you- have you been in touch with al anon, they are very good at making you realise that you have to hand the responsibility over to the drinker. If you will find it hard to get there, there is a good website called sober recovery. It has forums on for friends and family of alcoholics. I would recommend it. It gave me a lot of strength when I was with my ex who sounded like yours a serious binge drinker who was not looking after his family. Good luck, be strong and get some help and support for yourself

StaplesCorner · 10/04/2018 22:26

You need to separate, then he can try to get sober with the help of his mum and sister. Or anyone else. But you can't live any more years like this, its harming the kids not helping them. Been in hospital with drinking?!

Do you have any support in RL? What about the house is it rented or owned?

MoorMummy · 10/04/2018 22:26

Sorry, if his mum and sister think that, let him go and live with them. I thought your original post sounded bad enough but the bit about tablets and sessions sounds like it’s way over and above him liking a drink and being a piss taker.

As the daughter of an alcoholic mother ( she lost custody of us 3 kids when I was 7) , I know how miserable the whole thing is. Cut your losses and leave now, it’s not going to get any better I’m afraid. Unless you leaving gives him the kick up the arse he needs.

I hope you resolve all of this.

Kingsclerelass · 11/04/2018 11:46

Oh Blonde, that's beyond awful. "Making your bed" is nonsense. My ex was drinking 80 units a week and insisting he didn't have a problem. On the odd night when we actually went out together, I'd have to leave him in the car because he was so drunk I couldn't wake him. Cramp or the cold would get to him at 4am. There were some nights I thought he'd freeze to death and I'd be held responsible.

It sounds like your DH has found someone in you, to run his house and cook/clean while he parties. I can't tell you what to do. I left mine because I didn't want ds growing up seeing that level of drinking as normal. But I only have one dc so easier. If I can help in any way, please dm me.

Blonde4281 · 11/04/2018 12:20

I’m so lost as to what to do. With four children in tow, I can’t leave. We’ve nowhere to go. But I know he won’t go. I feel so miserable I just want this feeling to go away, but that means living like this ongoing. Never knowing if he’s coming home or not. Feeling angry and resentful. I want to forget everything he does, just so things feel better again, but it’ll only be for a few days.
We own our house. I’m scared for my children to lose their home where I know they feel safe and secure. I’ve worked so hard to make this house nice for us. Sounds stupid. I can’t go out to work to pay the bills as my children are so young. With two in childcare I’d barely earn anything.
If I stay I’m basically writing off having any life myself and risking it getting worse for the children. If I say I want to separate I risk destroying everything the kids take for granted x

OP posts:
letsdolunch321 · 11/04/2018 12:29

There is no help for someone who cannot help themself.

StaplesCorner · 11/04/2018 14:03

Ok Blonde - I see your dilemma, many women on here have been or are in a similar situation but maybe their partner is abusive in other ways. You have the kids, a decent home for them, and it seems too much to lose everything just to lose him. I know, I have been there, and I still am but my H although an absolute prick is not an alcoholic, and I think there is a special kind of misery therein.

So you are not writing off your life staying, you are planning, watching and waiting. It might be that it takes you 2 or 3 or 3 or 5 years, but you need to start writing things down, reading and researching - take some control of your situation. One positive thing you can do now is find a family support group for families/children of alcoholics. Meet people in the same position and hear from professionals how to deal with YOUR situation - but not his. Only he can do that as others have said.

If you haven't already then please have a read through these:

www.adfam.org.uk

www.nacoa.org.uk

I asked earlier do you have any other support in RL - do you have family, friends? I've built a big support network and started to ease H out of my life - he now does his own cooking, washing etc stuff like that - small things that have helped.

StaplesCorner · 11/04/2018 14:08

Oh before I forget, I have a really good book called Co-dependent No More - its very "American" but its helpful for anyone in a situation where they feel they have to "fix" their partner:

www.amazon.co.uk/Codependent-No-More-Controlling-Yourself/dp/0894864025/ref=tmm_pap_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&tag=mumsnetforum-21&qid=1523452101&sr=8-2

Blonde4281 · 11/04/2018 15:04

Sorry, I wasn’t sure what rl meant. My parents are near, and I have some good friends. They know he’s out a lot, but i avoid letting on how bad things are out of some loyalty to him I guess. He’s not an awful person, although his priorities are up the spout. He always apologises for dissappearing, but it’s now only days before he’s gone again, rather than a couple of weeks. He was a mess after being in hospital with damaged stomach lining last November, but it was only three weeks later he was taken there again by ambulance as was hit with a bottle in a club then knocked unconscious by a bouncer. He seemed so sad and lost after that.
I don’t like to think he’s unhappy, but he doesn’t try to look out for me so I ought to toughen up!

OP posts:
StaplesCorner · 11/04/2018 17:48

I am glad you have some support Blonde - it sounds like you would really benefit from that book - it explains how to "toughen up" and only look after yourself and the kids. No matter how sad and lost he is.

Isadora2007 · 11/04/2018 17:57

You DO have options.

You own your home. So you sell up and take half the money (unless you’re in negative equity) and you use that money to cover rental for you and your kids for a while. Then you work when your wee one is older and pay your own way as a single mum.

You go to a solicitor and get legal and financial advise.

You kick him out to his mum and /or sister so they can “support him” and you get him to keep paying the bills and having his life as it is.

You Do nothing and this cycle continues and all four kids get badly affected and become alcoholics or doormats like dad or Mum.

MoorMummy · 11/04/2018 22:08

Re Isadoras message above , sadly my brother is also an alcoholic. A few years ago when my life was crazy hectic with young child and demanding ft job I was also drinking too much. Luckily I spotted the signs and took myself in hand . Please don’t stay in this situation much longer or he’ll take you down with him . Don’t hide it from your family and friends either. Your post had really upset me , your life sounds horrific.

Blonde4281 · 11/04/2018 22:16

I felt I needed some space to think so I told him tonight that I was going to move into my parents (they’re away). I said I would be back first thing in the morning when the children wake. Come and go when they are in bed. I’ve got my youngest with me. He said ‘Knew you didn’t love me anyway so you may as well go’. Nothing else was said. I couldn’t have all the children at my parents. This way, I’ll be with them all day, and he’ll have to stay home to put them to bed. Feel sick being away from my children, but it’s only while they are sleeping.

OP posts:
StaplesCorner · 11/04/2018 22:52

Blonde that doesn't sound ideal, why would you leave the kids with him? What if he gets drunk? he should go, not you.

Blonde4281 · 12/04/2018 07:56

He doesn’t drink at home. He’s a social drinker. I don’t think we even have any alcohol in the house

OP posts:
Katara · 12/04/2018 08:18

I am the child of an alcoholic father, he drank in the house until he was paralytic on the floor, even when my mum was not there. Actually, especially when my mum was not there.

I think the posters above saying that you do have options are correct. Where did he go when you separated last time? He can go there again. His mum and his sister need to look after him if that is their view. I also think you should tell your parents what is going on.

You and your children deserve a better life than this. You are in your early thirties, he is drinking himself into an early grave.

He can sober up at his mum’s if he wants things to work with you. Go to the Citizen’s Advice Bureau to see what financial support you would be entitled to. Are your parents able to look after the DC so you can increase your hours, even short term?

moita · 12/04/2018 11:15

I understand you need a break but he sounds incredibly irresponsible. Can the kids contact you if something happens?

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