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Parenting

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Original poster

Haven't had a night out.. Feel a bit sad..am I doing it all wrong?

20 replies

Muse84 · 07/04/2018 16:26

I have a beautiful 5 month old ds

He is EBF, and this is where the problem starts- despite regular and successful practicing in the early weeks, one day he refused the bottle and has done ever since

In addition, I feed him to sleep at night. He's a great sleeper for the first 5-6h and to be fair, he is often quite awake when I put him down so I don't think this is a massive crutch.

But while he's not a crying type of baby, he can occasionally get into these screaming almost panic attacks, usually when overwhelmed, in a new environment and not with me or DH. He is generally a very confident baby who I've left with mum and mil while I go to hairdresser etc.

But I can't imagine how I will have a night out or meal out in the near future, with husbanf or friends. I can't see someone giving him a bottle and putting him to bed. I have a vision of it being a night of crying, possible screaming and no eating or sleeping. This obviously puts me off making plans. Then I feel stressed, panicky and sad all at once when I see what I have become. My pre baby self would have basically told me to get a life and stop cosseting the baby.

It's a bit like sex post baby- no time for that either

Do I just say to hell with it and book a dinner date with DH while willing mil comes over? Am I selfish knowing the consequences? And does everyone else go out loads as I imagine they do? I have massive FOMO tied up with sleep deprivation and a hefty dose of mum guilt. Sigh.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

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Windyone · 07/04/2018 16:29

If he sleeps for 5-6 hours is that not enough time to go out for the evening? It all sounds entirely normal to me. It will get easier over time.

ruleshelpcontrolthefun · 07/04/2018 16:33

With DD I didn't manage a night out with friends until she was 10mo. She was bf and a poor sleeper. I had a night out with DH when DD was 16mo. Then we had DS. He is 18mo and DH and I have just had our first night out together. Some of us just have clingy kids.

ObiJuanKenobi · 07/04/2018 16:34

Sounds pretty normal to me I'm afraid.
I would just book it and go for it - what's the worst that could happen? Who ever you leave them with struggles a little and everyone's tired the next day?

I only went out for 2 evenings before my twins turned 1 but tbh didn't really want to leave them / have anyone who could manage with 2 babies at once (parents are both single and older and have bad health).

As for the sex thing, I think that differs hugely from person to person after having a baby/babies. Our sex life has still not returned to normal and they're 2 next week

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Isadora2007 · 07/04/2018 16:37

Honestly you wouldn’t enjoy it anyway at this stage with him as he is.
Maybe you could plan a nice lunch date with dh or friends to feel you’re “out” without the hassle.
It won’t be long before your wee boy is able to eat solids and that way he could be left with water and snacks within a relatively short period of time.
I know it seems long but really these early years pass by so quickly.

Oh and the sex thing could
Also be an afternoon treat if your mum takes the wee one away for an hour or so.

Dozer · 07/04/2018 16:42

If it’s really important to you to be able to leave him soon, you and DH may decide for DH to persist with the (expressed if that works for you) bottle.

May become a bit easier once he’s weaned onto solids.

At first you could leave him for just a short while with someone you trust to do as you ask and ask them to contact you if he becomes distressed, and do something low cost and local, eg a walk or a half pint!

wendz86 · 07/04/2018 16:59

I did a night out when my first was about 4 months . Fed her before I left , she screamed and refused bottle but was fine . My mum looked after her and was great . Same happened for my second . It wasn’t the most relaxing but I did feel glad to have a bit of adult time .

becki3 · 07/04/2018 17:11

I could have written your post, even down to the hair cut bit!

I have a 19 week old and she has developed serious stranger anxiety and has an aversion to bottles that came out of nowhere...
I went out with my mother-in-law for a meal one night, as she insisted that I take a break. Partner watched baby and, for some reason, he had 4 hours of a screaming baby and I had about 537,748 missed calls. It was traumatic. She calmed down instantly, when I got home.

Two other girls that I know had babies within weeks of me and I see them going out drinking, going on dates, even on holiday without the baby! It does get to you.

I would suggest having somebody that you intend to watch the baby round to your house, instead of taking him elsewhere, as it's a more well-known environment for him. Work up to it maybe? I will update, if I get some miracle breakthrough!

One day, they won't be breastfed anymore and we will miss the closeness, I'm told.

mindutopia · 07/04/2018 17:13

He’s so little yet. I think that all sounds perfectly normal (easy in fact, compared to what my first was like). You’ll have so much time for dinners out and nights away in the future but I wouldn’t stress about it now. I’d wait until it’s easier and then plan something. Mine wasn’t ever left even with my mum for a couple hours until 7 months. But as things got easier we were able to do more. By 2/3 we’d have several weekend breaks in Europe without her. It will happen but 5 months is still little so if it’s not happening now, keep trying until you’re all ready.

Andtakeadeepbreath · 07/04/2018 17:15

Agree with posters who have suggested an afternoon date for a couple of hours rather than evening.
I did this and think it was beneficial to get some time without worrying sick about ds.

StylishMummy · 07/04/2018 17:20

Make a point of getting DC used to 1-2 people who'll regularly see them and be comfortable with, these are the people who're best placed to babysit.

Your mental health is important, if this is suffering because you've not been out, then be proactive and make some plans. If you're ok with waiting a while longer then do what you're most comfortable with.

Original poster

Muse84 · 07/04/2018 18:57

Thanks everyone for your replies- each very helpful and comforting.

It's good to hear that others have been in a similar position. It's silly, 99% of the time there's nowhere I'd rather be than studying his eyelashes while he bfs to sleep or having a bath with him as my Friday night activity ... I do often think of how much I'll miss this....but 1% of the time I panic because it feels as if there's no choice- even if I don't have plans. And I suppose I needed some perspective that this is a common thing, because all I seem to retain are stories of other mums going out long before 5 months. It's so silly.

Thanks all, it's so comforting to have this platform for sharing worries!

OP posts:

Lana1234 · 07/04/2018 22:55

Ive been the exact same. My first and only meal out so far (DS 7 mo) was just around the corner with MIL looking after him and it was lovely. No problems at all and I felt relaxed as I knew I was only around the corner. Maybe start off just local to begin with? Just baby steps (excuse the pun) to begin with. I think you need that little break just to relax and reset.

I’m going to a wedding all day next week with my auntie looking after DS. She has been round for lots of afternoons so he’s used to her and comfortable around her. Definitely get them used to whoever is going to do the occasional babysitting!

sunseasand25 · 07/04/2018 23:00

I had this until my son was 9 months (and he finally took a bottle) I was back at work when he was 5 months so he was better during the day but in the evenings used to do the massive crying thing. I wish I’d wasted less time worrying about it. He’s now 12 and horrified when I tell him about his love of the breast when he was little

corythatwas · 08/04/2018 02:47

Soon he is going to go onto solids and that may well change his whole feeding and sleeping pattern. He will grow a lot, and that will change his feeding and sleeping pattern. Nothing you do or don't do now is going to set up a precedent that you can never ever break.

comfortandjoy · 08/04/2018 02:54

Sounds normal. I found the thought of a night out too stressful when breast feeding. Pumping in advance , storing the milk just in case.
We planned a lovely lunch at an nice Italian, sitting in a courtyard and had the baby asleep , napping in her pushchair next to us. It was a special meal out but I wasn’t worried . Even had a couple of wines and walked home together.

teaandbiscuitsforme · 08/04/2018 07:34

5mo is still very early days! Be kind to yourself, stop the pressure!

I agree with others- a lunch date is far easier than going out with a EBF left at home at night. Having said that, if you want to, he'll be fine as an occasional treat.

Also, if he sleeps for 5-6 hours, why not put him to bed and go out for a drink then?

I've EBF my two and I didn't give them a bottle (could not be bothered with the faff of expressing!!) and it became a lot easier to leave them for longer chunks from about 9mo.

waterrat · 08/04/2018 08:16

aw OP - the time will fly. He is tiny - I remember getting my knickers in a twist trying to get to a yoga class at a similar stage - then I suddenly just calmed down and realised I have the rest of my life to do that and not to attempt it when it will be stressful.

THe first time I went out for drinks leaving EBF baby I only went to a restaurant 5 mins from my house - I actually ran back and gave him a feed at one point then went back to the bar!

He did wake up and cry - but I was near enough not to panic.

Little steps and remember the baby years are a tiny part of your life.

Why not practice by getting someone to do bedtime while you are nearby.

Original poster

Muse84 · 09/04/2018 07:57

Thanks everyone for support and advice. I've planned a dinner locally this week, will put ds to bed and leave him in my mum's capable hands. Excited as this is a place we used to go to lots, and can't possibly go with ds.... Won't be a very regular occurrence but good to get it over with so its not such a Big Thing....!

OP posts:

PasstheStarmix · 10/04/2018 11:15

I have a 1 year old and I’ve only been out one evening for a few hours since he was born. We don’t have a lot of capable or willing babysitters. I think it’s more common than you realise.

PasstheStarmix · 10/04/2018 11:17

Enjoy your time away, you’ve earned it and no need to feel guilty. You sound like an amazing Mummy

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