Can't agree on parenting style

[Lilybo7]

All my OH and I ever seem to do is argue over our parenting style. We both have full time busy demanding jobs and a 3yr old but we can't agree on anything from whether she should have a bottle at night / watching TV / ipad / what she should be eating & drinking, what her bedtime routine should be to name a very few. If I say no to something she throws a tantrum then goes to him. We can't agree on anything and it has caused some huge rows. How do others work through this?

You have to make a plan, and you have to back each other up. This is non negotiable. If she learns she can get different answers from you now, just imagine how she will be as a teenager.

FWIW I would pick your battles, some things are just too small to worry about. A bottle at bedtime? Nah not going to change the world either way. I’m pretty relaxed about screen time too.

K

I agree with Katy. Pick your battles. What things do you each feel most strongly about?

I'm fairly relaxed too.

I think you need to sit down with your OH when you're both feeling calm (i.e. not just after an argument) and decide on a joint approach to each of these issue that you can both get on board with. Most of the points you mention aren't right/wrong things but just differences of opinion, so you both need to be prepared to compromise. Decide on the things that you feel most strongly about and be prepared to explain why. Were your childhoods quite different? Many of us revert instinctively to our parents' style, as this seems 'right' to us in a fundamental way, but bear in mind that lots of parenting styles can succeed in producing balanced happy kids. It's more important that the two of you are on the same page than that the parenting follows a particular pattern.

Is this the only thing that's wrong with your relationship? If you're arguing all the time about these things, it makes me wonder if the relationship is going badly for other reasons and this is the way that the problems are manifesting themselves. Just something to think about. Would you consider counselling or a marriage course?

Why would you give a 3 year old a bottle at night? Just why?

Oh here we go, the judgy pants are out.

My two year old has a bedtime bottle.

I give my 2 year old a bottle at night, is it a problem?

The kids THREE not two - a 3 year old doesn't need a bottle at night so that's OPs first issue solved.

Kids don't "need" half the things we give them, does it really matter in the grand scheme of things presuming it's not doing any damage?

Thank you for all your suggestions and comments. I suppose our own parents are like chalk and cheese so I think there is something to be said for different upbringings but that is a tricky one to 'solve'.
We do need to sit down when calm and try to agree on some ground rules but when I try to mention parenting books or programmes I've watched he gets so angry and says he's not listening to anybody on how to bring up his own child . I'm just trying to look for practical advice with things like tantrums but he is very close to his mum and when we visit, she gives in to everything as she hates DD being upset or tantrumming.

Okay first it's good to agree that you both love her and want the best for her. Could you sit down and agree to listen to how he feels if he will listen to you? ie. with tantrums - I am a soft parent myself compared to my husband and I know I let my youngest particularly get away with being a bit of a diva at times - I can't bear to see her sad or upset.

However - my husband will say let's think ahead - do we want her to learn she can get her way by doing this, do we want her to learn self control?

Perhaps you both can come into the middle - I would forget parenting books for the moment and try to appeal to his reasoning.