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Parenting

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Original poster

Is it all that bad???

15 replies

Northernbeachbum · 04/04/2018 07:46

I've read so many threads lately where people have said having children ruined their relationships/marriages.......as a soon to be parent I'd love some more positive stories please

I know it's going to be tough, but I love DP to pieces and things are brilliant in our lives. I have no doubt he will pull his weight, he already does around the house. Its just made me feel so much less excited about the impending new arrival reading all these people say having a baby destroyed their relationships. So please tell me some good things????

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overmydeadbody · 04/04/2018 07:50

No of course it's not all that bad.

People like to moan.

Just look at all the older couple celebrating diamond and silver anniversaries, saying they are still in love and have a stronger marriage than ever. They mostly had children. So they made it work.

AuntLydia · 04/04/2018 07:50

I don't think having a baby ruins relationships that are already good. I think it finds out the faults in a relationship and a person. It also finds out the strengths. If he's a good man who you know will be an equal parent then you have nothing to fear. Nothing makes you fall in love all over again like watching your spouse be an amazing parent to your child.

It's also worth remembering that people use these boards to get advice or sound off when they're unhappy so they give you a disproportionate representation of relationships. Nobody comes on here to talk about how amazing their other half is!

Original poster

Northernbeachbum · 04/04/2018 07:59

He's brilliant and I know he will do everything he can to help out. Its true people do always come for support when down on here, it's just harder reading sometimes

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Arapaima · 04/04/2018 08:01

The first year or so is tough for many marriages, especially if your baby is a poor sleeper. If you can pull together through that, then it’s definitely possible to have a great relationship post-DC.

BringBiscuits · 04/04/2018 08:04

Of course it’s not that bad! The early days are hard and it’s difficult not to fall into the trap of arguing over who is the most tired but having children together can be a fantastic experience. Good luck!

Muse84 · 04/04/2018 08:31

Not at all.... I appreciate DH more than ever.

Naturally there are the "who is working hardest/who is the most tired" conversations/niggles but with a strong relationship it stays superficial and doesn't fester.

I think the thing I find hardest is the lack of time we have for each other. DS1 takes almost all of our time and attention (and love! ) but with some care, that balance will gradually shift so that we have time just for each other again. I make sure I thank him for doing certain things and show appreciation - ie ensuring we mostly treat each other with respect you would show other family members and friends. It's work, but a good kind of work

Luckystar1 · 04/04/2018 08:40

This isn’t necessarily positive but bear with me...!

I had 2 children close together (20 months apart). It massively took its toll on my marriage and I discovered 5 months ago that my husband was having an affair.

What having children did was expose just how immature my DH was (I thought he would be amazing), and just how unable to cope he was with pressure.

Although it all culminated in a complete nightmare for us, it actually let us be completely honest with each other (well me in particular really), for the first time since having children (3 years) and showed just how fragile relationships can become post children.

What I’m trying to say is that if you are mindful of the changes that occur and continue to communicate effectively and let go of resentments that you will feel towards each other then it will be ok.

Every single couple I know has changed since they have had children. It takes time and awareness to feel positive about those changes as they aren’t always easy or nice, but knowing it is normal is helpful.

Good luck, stay positive, keep talking.

Tilly35 · 04/04/2018 08:43

98 of the time totally blissfully happy, and my OH is useless round the house!

Mrscog · 04/04/2018 08:44

I think it’s more it pauses your relationship - things are good between us but we have 2DC (6 and 2), I work nearly FT, DH has his own business and works 60 hours a week and pulls his weight - some weeks we barely talk as we are just so busy. When we snatch time together things are still good though.

Yogagirl123 · 04/04/2018 09:02

Speaking as a mum of two DS’, undoubtedly having children will change your relationship with your partner. Not necessarily for the worse, but it will, there is a joint responsibility who’s needs have to come first.

Being as organised as you can and working as a team is the way to get through.

DH and I are still very in love, our gorgeous sons are now 16 & 15, the early days were hard, but they are only babies for a very short time and you get the time back to be a couple.

We have been lucky to have a very supportive MIL who has always babysat so we could have a date night once a week. And that has really helped our relationship over the years.

Congrats on your pregnancy and try not to worry. Relationships can split with or without the stresses of children.

Parenthood is awesome btw, I have loved it and so has DH, if we could do it all again we would.

user1488397844 · 04/04/2018 09:07

I was absolutely besotted by my partner before our DD arrived, but was totally unprepared for how it would change our relationship. He is no longer my priority and I now expect more of him than ever. I agree with a PP who said it shows faults that are already there in a relationship, we are still together but it's been a long,hard slog &at times it's nearly fallen apart. We were together for over 10years before I gave birth so I thought I knew him pretty well but I didn't account for the massive impact a baby has on you. I have friends who are more in love than ever after having kids & I'm so jealous of that,some days we barely even talk to eachother.

Original poster

Northernbeachbum · 04/04/2018 09:09

Thank you all for your messages it's much appreciated, feeling a lot happier now

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KatyN · 04/04/2018 09:27

I was talking to a friend about this the other day. The first 6 months for us (for both children) we hardly saw each other. If we were both at home one of us was asleep. I really missed my husband and it was tough.
But it didn’t last forever, it got us through the hard baby days and by pulling together we achieved two adorable children.
I know that we can work together, put our relationship on hold if necessary and come through the other side. We could conquer anything!!!!

Good luck kxx

Osopolar · 04/04/2018 12:31

I was very negative about being a parent for the first year as it was so much harder than I imagined. DS is now two and I love being a parent! He is funny and kind and loving and he makes me laugh harder than I have ever laughed before. My marriage is the strongest it has ever been and I couldn't be happier with my family. He is old enough to do fun things now like days out and he sleeps through the night. Being a parent is the best thing I have ever done and nothing brings more joy than the three of us snuggling in bed on a Sunday morning chatting about what to do with the day :)

GreeboIsMySpiritAnimal · 04/04/2018 12:45

Not at all, our relationship is stronger than ever and our kids are fantastic.

But...There can be very tough times, especially in the first few months as you struggle to adjust. Be kind to each other.

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