At the end of my tether with parenting. Any advice?

[Almostdefeated]

Hi, please can someone give me some advice?
I have two children, pre-teens. Husband left a few years ago for another woman after his mid-life crisis. He was sorry at first but as soon as he moved out he turned into some sort of over-entitled selfish a-hole and has been that way ever since. If anything, he's worse than ever. I have the children, he sees them once every two weeks. The usual set-up. He sees them when it suits him. When they are with him I am sure that there are no kind words said about me, or encouragement to respect their mother.
It has all been so hard to protect them from the unpleasant aspects of family break-ups, but they are both robust and seem to be simply going with the flow. Their behaviour is something that I struggle to understand......
I have been their lifeline all these years, and I have this idealised notion that my children should respect and care for their mother, knowing what I do for them, and partially what I have been through and am still going through. They just don't! They don't care......at all.

I can have a serious 'let's all sit down and talk about this' word with them about how their flippant, disrespectful behaviour affects me. How their inappropriate behaviour when we are out, or with friends, affects me........how their fighting and arguing affects me. They sit, they listen, then a heartbeat later they are laughing away as though nothing has happened.

I seem to daily want to just pick up my car keys, walk out the door, and never come back. My life is a disaster. I want to leave. Right now. To hell with all this. The sacrifice just isn't worth this. There is nothing for me here but disrespect and drudgery.

Am I the only one?

I am sorry I can't relate yet I am a FTM of a little baby but I do work every day with pre teens up to young adults from all sorts of background and family situation.
Absolutely none of them are ever grateful of what they have. Teens are notoriously hard to parent, it is heartbreaking to put this much effort into it and get no thanks and no respect.
Heck my mum gave me the best upbringing one could ever have - I had a pony, she took me wherever I wanted whenever I wanted, she worried sick when I was out and I wouldn't care or find it annoying, she paid for my education, supported me when I decided to change last minute... gosh the list goes on!
Did I ever thank her at the time? No, I pushed her away and growled at her whenever she tried to have me feel grateful.
Now I'm 30, and it wasn't until recently that I have realised how much she's done for me and I could never pay her back. But she aced it as a mum. She was always there when I needed it, and stepped back when I could go on on my own.

Parenting teens IS HELL. They are going through so much they will never acknowledge how much help you give them. All you can do is keep giving them the best chances to make the right choices in life, and get any little time you can for yourself so you don't go insane.

The will get there, it just take a long time.

Hops thag cheered you up a little bit.

I did not appreciate at all what my dm did for me as a teenager. I did just expect it. I loved her and generally we got on fine but I can see now I was a bit of a shit

However now that I am older and have my own dc I think my dm is bloody amazing and hope I can be half as good a parent as she is.

My df is lovely but it was my dm who worked FT, did school runs, cooked and cleaned and I can't ever really recall her complaining.

Try to hang in there, I'm sure they see your ex for who he is but at the moment he's just their df. When they're older they'll see what a twat he is and all you've done

Tell them again and again how it makes you feel. Let them know you are serious.

When they ask for something, (treat/day out) I would say not until things change.

I say all this, & my DC will do as they please, Ive cried, I've stopped treats, I'm strict but it still doesnt seem to work, but I know how hard it is, I really do.

Thank you for those comments....they do help in a way. I'm very grateful for the encouragement. I'm just not sure I can wait 20 years for them to realise what hell they are putting me through. I can't have a social life because they get incredibly boisterous when people come round. That has stopped. So no visitors, no fun gatherings. It's always me on my own with them now.
When we do go out, they can't seem to behave like all the other normal people out there. The escalator has to have its red button pushed, the car that honked its horn somewhere in the distance has to have some loud comment made in reply for all to hear, roofs have to be climbed, and everything is a goddamn climbing frame!
I see other children behaving so nicely and mine are out of control! I feel like such a useless mum.....as though others are looking at me thinking the same. I feel as though I am quite strict, though. We have rules, I don't tolerate anything without manners. Please and thank yous are mandatory or you get nothing....etc etc. I feel constantly undermined by my ex, and feel that there will be no escaping that because they have to see him.
I'm considering letting him have full custody, just so that I can have some peace because I feel like I'm being eaten alive by these vultures. Soon there will be nothing left.......

Do your children have any afterschool acitivities they go to? Some interets they would like to pursue? Sports they like?

How old are they?

You say you have rules, but what are the consequences for breaking the rules?

They're both pre-teens. They are simply delightful when they are one on one, it's just when they get together, they rile each other up and they become uncontrollable. I give them their consequences, such as if you do that we won't go out for dinner tonight etc. I follow through with it.
In terms of after school clubs they wax and wane about these things, and periodically do something, then have a period of not being that interested. I hate the thought of disciplining. Them physically but sometimes I'm left thinking, "what else is there?" In order to get them to rein it in, behaviour-wise
It's just impossible to go out like normal people do.........I'm waiting for them to grow up and realise that they are making me miserable.

Is it a case of they are struggling with the breakup of the family and taking it out on you as they feel safe and loved by you? I know that might not help but at least knowing why they are behaving like that might make it slightly easier. Mine are only little so not entered the pre teens yet but have a book love languages for kids (there is also a teen version)

I have DTs aged 6. I have just had this exact conversation with DH !! There is an expectation of instant gratification and constant casual disrespect of our home and us. I don't know we stick to rules and respect each other and older Dd isn't like it. Reading replies with interest !