Guilt over splitting up my son's family

[PB78]

Hi, new here. I'm wondering if anyone has any tips on dealing with the guilt I feel for leaving my ex and therefore breaking up my son's family? It's been 3.5 years and that's almost half my son's life. Yet I still get these deep pangs of guilt for leaving his dad. We have almost 50/50 custody although it's me who does the majority of the actual parenting. He misses his dad when he's not there and I know he's more fun than me.

Leaving was the right thing and the relationship wasn't healthy. I know this intellectually but still....when will the guilt subside and is it normal to still feel it?

Sorry you’ve had no replies on this one PB78 and i haven’t really got any experience. The only thing I can suggest is writing down a list of the reasons why you left and another list on the ways your life has improved since the split.

Hopefully someone sensible will be along soon

I felt the same when I split from my ex, but in the long run I believe it's better for children to grow up in a home where the parents are happy with each other and committed to staying together. Children can feel burdened if one or both parents are unhappy and if the family splits anyway after they head off to university / leave home. My children are that age now and I know I definitely did the right thing.

Is there anything in particular that is troubling you about your current situation? Do you feel your son is missing out on anything?

Hi, I suppose I sometimes remember how things were when we were still together and feel awful because my son doesn't have that anymore. It feels like a different life. Then occasionally I get sort of flash backs to the few months after and the times he was upset. It was all my decision and about my happiness.

I think I wish I was better at being fun. Our time together is mostly about homework and school and he gets to do what he wants with his dad. I'm rambling somewhat. I think I'd just like to feel better about leaving!

I'll try the list thank you!

Don't beat yourself up. Yes, it's a different life but you must have had a reason to split and there is no guarantee that 'fun' dad would be doing as much fun stuff now if you lived together. It sounds like he does his share which is great and means that your son isn't missing out.

It wasn’t ‘all about your happiness’. It really wasn’t. You were in a bad relationship and that would have been impacting on your DS, kids aren’t stupid, they know.

If you have 50/50 care of DS then you need for his Dad to do 50/50 of the parenting. You need to tell DS that homework & reading needs to be done at Dad’s house too and you need to tell your ExH that he’s letting his DS down by not parenting him & not doing homework.

If the shared care is ExH having him every weekend, then that needs to change.

Try to do little things to make life a bit more ‘fun’ and less of a chore, but you don’t need to go overboard. Kids aren’t stupid. They know who is looking after them and they know who cares. They might have more ‘fun’ with one parent, but they know which one is always there for them, looking after them, making sure they have all the stuff they need etc.

It’s hard to know what to suggest as ‘more fun’ without knowing you or DS, but things like Friday nights are Movie & Popcorn nights, or in the summer Park & Picnic nights. Saturdays are pack a picnic & go for a bike ride, or breakfast in bed with cartoons. Or swimming or whatever. Kids even enjoy just doing regular stuff if they’re doing it with you. Teach him to cook, let him plan the weeks meals & go shopping together but with him ‘in charge’. Decorate a room. It was those things I loved & remember from my childhood, far less so the days out etc.

You did the right thing, TRY to stop feeling guilty. DS is better off with things like this. Truly 💐

Thanks for all the suggestions and support. Today I told him he could plan the menu for today then we had to go buy the ingredients and cook. That was a big hit :-)

Ah well done. Glad you had a good day.

Oops - pressed too soon.

It can be really bloody tough on your own day after day with all the pressure and expectation. Don't be too hard on yourself.

You sound like a lovely mum, honestly, you do.

I always tell my kids mum and dad would fight if they were together and that isnt fun or OK. I am hoping when they are older they will come to the realisation themselves that adults sometimes have to separate.

I am sorry that you have to do most of the parenting - its alot of pressure isnt it? If your child is only young dont worry if you only do small amounts of work each night . Cooking together sounds fun!